Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Stupid Things Kids Do To Get High/Drunk


With authorities cracking down on the distribution of drugs and alcohol to minors, teens have found alternative ways to obtain the high they desire. Unfortunately, the methods of generating these highs are not only more dangerous than the drugs themselves but are hilariously stupid, as well. Below are just a few of the entertaining techniques these teens use:

The Choking Game

The title explains it all. This high is gained by cutting off the blood flow to one’s brain. Actually, the high comes from the simultaneous death of thousands of brain cells due to lack of oxygen. You know, those little, irreplaceable things in your head? Though, I suppose it doesn’t matter all that much considering you’ve got to have a pretty low brain cell count in order to try this in the first place. Unfortunately, a surplus of even more dumb people is not what this country needs right now.
 Pictures of teens choking each other seemed too graphic.
So, here's a puppy.

Hand Sanitizer

No, you’re not supposed to sterilize your hands with it; you’re supposed to drink it, you Silly Billy. Apparently, all you have to do it just add salt and the alcohol separates itself from the other components. A few swigs of this from the safety of a bathroom stall is enough to give you enough liquid courage to ask out your crush, invite your teacher to dinner, and expose your private parts to the janitor while promptly falling short of each of your expectations.
Not hand sanitizer. But, not smart either.

Purple Drank

Chugging a bottle of Robitussen will probably be the smartest thing you do all day. You’ll have hours of fun hanging out with your close friends in your car while you engage in a polite debate about whether the death of Mufasa lies more in the hands of Simba or Scar. Side effects may include: 1) Over-exaggerating the amount of hate in the world to the point where you weep in each other’s arms, 2) hugging a tree until a colony of fire ants becomes threatened enough to wage war with your entire body, or 3) reminiscing about the previous 40 times you’ve “robo-tripped” as if the other friend had not been there to experience it.
Sweet! I don't need a caption for this one.

Vodka Eyeballing

Pshh, what do you mean you’ve never poured vodka in your eye socket? The blood vessels in your eyes allow for quick passage to your blood stream, obviously. So what if it causes scarring and severe burning to your cornea? You’ll be supah hammah’d, dude. You have to be wary of complete and permanent blindness; though, what will you care when you’re mucho drunk-o, eh?
Not sure if she missed her mouth or if she's actually 
that intelligent.

Jenkem

This is a hallucinogen inhalant. It’s kind of like huffing paint or snorting bath salts, except you have to take long, exaggerated whiffs of fermented human shit. Well Chiz, what’s the difference between this and walking into a port-a-potty? I don’t know; I’m not a scientist. But, who would pass up the chance sniff a little bit of their sunbathed shit in ordered to see packs of wolves dancing amongst the stars?
Yeah, well, my dog eats his own shit, and he's
mellow as fuck.

So, Chiz, what do you propose we do?

In order to protect these children from their own stupidity, I propose we laced their cafeteria food with intense amount of hallucinogenic drugs to the point where they suffer an extremely horrific trip and never want to do drugs again. Who’s with me? Lace the cafeteria food with acid!

P.S. Don’t actually poison the cafeteria food with acid or any other hallucinogenic drug. And, most certainly DO NOT try any of these methods to get high/drunk. I feel like I need to include this because there are people who are that dumb. Fortunately, people like that don't read my garbage blog, anyway.


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40 comments:

  1. I'm actually with you. We need to make hallucinogenics much more easier to come by given some of the stupid lengths people will take to get high. Jenkem is just wrong and I don't want to know how it was "discovered".

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    1. Especially marijuana, if these kids haven't discovered that you can grow this stuff in the ground, then I have completely lost faith in humanity.

      And, apparently Jenkem was discovered in Africa. Kids would put the human waste into a soda bottle, put a balloon over the top, and inhale the contents of the balloon after the feces had fermented for a while.

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    2. that is just so wrong on so many levels, I can't even comment.

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    3. Yeah, there are some strange things in this world, but this may the strangest thing I've come across.

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  2. No... The classics are generally the best bet, best I can tell.

    If you ever sit there thinking, "Hey! I wonder why no one has ever thought of shooting up gasoline to get high?", you might be repeating the mistake of someone who never got to reproduce...

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    1. Indubitably. Unfortunately, there have been cases where children have died of these methods as well. But hey, if you can get a faux high out of it, it's well worth the risk. Right?

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  3. Smelling shit gets you high? Well, after I've had a particularly heavy curry, I imagine that Mrs Addman is probably one of the world's foremost drug users. Poor girl, she really does deserve better...

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    1. Curry farts are the worst. I swear, when you take a shit and then look down into the toilet and it's not there, it must be the hallucinogenics taking action.

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  4. Robitussen, Mmmmm, purplely goodness.

    You forgot the latest trend of guys sticking a vodka soaked tampon up their chocolate starfish, or the ladies inserting them into their felted mounds, where said alcohol gets directly to the bloodstream. All I can say to that is OUCH!

    And I believe the whole poo thing. Like inhaling narcotics, Spawn's poo brownies always end up making me pass out.

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    1. Wow, I've heard of people putting a funnel in their bum and a bottle of rum (look up "Willy Bum Bum" on YouTube). But a tampon? That's new to me.

      And, maybe you're not passing out from Spawn's kikis, but a split personality is taking control and fighting crime under the guise of PMT Woman.

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    2. lily! You stole my comment! I was thinking the same exact thing =PPP

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    3. Lilly...That's brilliant. It's a sorta like a portable butt funnel. Can't have alcohol on your breath, but know you're gonna need a drink to get through that boring business meeting? Have no fear, the liquor laced tampon is here!

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  5. Yeah ... I think I'll stick to high doses of caffeine and sugar for my highs.

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    1. Yeah, caffeine and beer is my main diet. I don't smoke all the often, anymore.

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  6. How come kids are smart enough to figure out how to separate the hand sanitizer to get high but to stupid to pass chemistry?

    (and how sad is it that you have to put a disclaimer? Wise that you did though!)

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    1. Better safe than sorry. I know some parents hard on cash would definitely sue me for everything I have (all 3 pennies and a roll of Mentos).

      And the sanitizer method surprised me too. If you're smart enough to figure that out, I'm sure you're smart enough to know it could kill you.

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  7. A picture of a dog really does make everything better. I have been telling people this for years. Look at enough pictures of those little suckers, and you may suffer a death by cute, which is better than being choked to death. Won't that ever go away? I remember my friends attempting to talk me into it when I was in high school.

    You can get high from sniffing poop? Oh no, my dog is a drug addict.

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    1. One of my friends let someone do it to him before and he passed out. It was more of a sleeper hold than choking, but it was scary nonetheless.

      Yeah, and my dog eats his own poop. I'm surprised he hasn't OD'd yet.

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  8. So let me get this straight, each time my dog drops a huge, foul smelling deuce on the wood floor, he's not messing up months of hard, agonizing potty training, he's just seeing that I'm stressed and he's trying to get me high?

    For the sake of my sanity, I'm gonna agree with that.

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    1. Wow, you've got a very generous dog. My dog ate his poop, let it ferment in his stomach, then threw it up just before I left for work. I was baked as fuck by the time I got to work what with cleaning it up and all.

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  9. I can't tell if Jenkem is real or if you've just made it up, and can't google it as I'm at work and DO NOT want them thinking I am interested in poo sniffing! Although just reading your blog would probably qualify me for immediately firing! And the vodka in the eyeball - ewwww horrible. But my dog does shit a lot ... and these PC Americans insist we pick it up in bags ... so I wouldn't even have to collect it, just empty the dog poop bins at the dog parks (yes, they have dog parks here!) ... cunning plan forming ...

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    1. Jenkem is real. It was discovered in Africa. Kids would put the human waste into a soda bottle, put a balloon over the top, and inhale the contents of the balloon after the feces had fermented for a while.

      And, I sure hope you don't get fired for reading my blog. I would feel horrible. Also, I've always wondered why they wanted us to pick up our dog's feces.

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  10. What the hell? What ever happened to good old fashioned Whip-its?

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    1. Those were a favorite at the last restaurant I worked at. One of the cooks passed out for a few seconds in the walk-in fridge from taking a giant hit.

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  11. I think the desire for intoxication might be hardwired into our DNA. I wonder what the evolutionary benefit might be.

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    1. I think you're right. I think its function, for me anyway, is to forget about my boring, dead-end job.

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  12. have you heard about nutmeg? nutmeg is supposed to be edible pot that gives you the hangover from HELL for two days after. but i'm thinking, why don't people just sprinkle it on their eyeballs??

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    1. I've heard of nutmeg, but I thought you were supposed to smoke it. Sprinkling spices in my eye sounds like a fast-track to a good time.

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  13. I got a wicked Jenkem high at a Montana rest stop. Those bathrooms haven't been cleaned for months!! After a 30-second piss, I was trippin balls, yo.

    TRIPPIN BALLS.

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    1. I can believe it, too. Those desert truck-stop stalls breed junkies. People will just take a shit on top of a clogged toilet which enhances the high, so I heard.

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  14. That was enlightening.

    And to quote Jimmy, I keep wondering 'where are the flashbacks they promised would come?'

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    1. I don't know, I suppose "we are the people they couldn't figure out." But, yeah, stange things people do to get a buzz on.

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  15. Everything I ever wanted to know about poo and then some, lmao...

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    1. "Poo... Is it in you?" That should be the slogan for Jenkem.

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  16. Wow. I had heard about the first three, and I thought that the last two were made-up by you, because they were so absurd and hilarious. Then I looked it up.

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    1. Yeah, I was interested in what other lengths people were going through to get a little freaky. Boy do I regret that.

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  17. If you are looking to get high off of shit, then let me tell you that I got some GOOOOD SHIT! My shit will make yer head spin!

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    1. If it's diluted with high alcohol content, then I'm most certainly in!

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  18. You guys are acting all surprised about the human shit but think about it...shrooms have been a long established favorite and grow in piles of cow shit. It was only a matter of time before someone (probably high as hell at the time) found themself thinking, "Dude, we're out of shrooms. Maybe we can make some when we drop one."

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    1. That is true. Though, I did some research on that a while back and you can just as easily grow the shrooms in your closet under the right temperatures. They sell spores online. Still shrooms are basically a form of food poisoning, so it's about the equivalent to eating a Wendy's burger that someone took a dump on.

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