Friday, July 6, 2012

One-Floor Elevator Riders

30 floors up, a man dispels leaky farts upon his irritating, encrusted cubicle chair. That poor sap is me, Chiz. I take a peek at the bottom of my moniter and see the time hasn't changed a minute since the last 40 glances. However, the hallucinogenic chemicals secreted from my anal glands have begun to take a toll. It looks like it's time for an early lunch.

You don't want to know what else showed up when I searched
"guy farting in cubicle."

I make my way to the elevators and press the arrow pointing down. Then, I press it again. Then, one more time. Then, I jab the button with my boney  knuckle. Finally, I ball my hand into a fist and punch the button as it decides to grace me with its warm glow.


After 5 minutes of murmuring obscenities to myself, the pleasant ding of the elevator chimed and the metallic doors creaked open. I motioned toward the elevator as the door quickly closed and jabbed my hipbone as it always so jokingly does. After wrestling the probing doors off my shattered body, I pressed the button labeled ‘G’ which stands for… “G’all the way down.”

The rickety grinding sound of the rusted gears was reassuring seeing as I was 30 stories above the very hard ground. Down the elevator went, until I heard another ding at floor 27. The doors slid open and two big-haired, bulbous women boarded. The elevator sunk a few inches and a few snapping noises emanated from the shaft.

Kind of like this, but substitute the 40-year-old with me.

The big-haired, bulbous women were talking; though, it was a conversation so mind-numbingly uninteresting that my brain almost killed itself. I had a strange sensation that something horrendous was about to occur. It wasn’t the fear of the elevator collapsing and plummeting 27 floors, ending all our lives; no, it was something far more sinister. And, as soon as the thought crossed my mind, the women took action. Both of them simultaneously reached for the rows of buttons and pressed their processed cheese-stained fingers upon the button marked ‘26’. They were actually getting on the elevator… to go down one floor.

Knowing that floors 23-27 have their own staircase conveniently running down the middle of everyone of their five floors, my mind immediately took control of my reflexes. My right arm cocked back and unleashed a fiery Falcon Punch to the soft cushiony back of the woman before me, flinging her through the closing doors and crashing through the wall of the foyer. The second woman, looking back, didn’t have time to react as I dropkicked her through the doors to join her friend embedded in the drywall. Before the doors completely shut, I threw a hot plate of macaroni all over them.

I shook off the hallucinogenic trip and snapped back to reality where the two women still stood before me, smelling of sardines and Cheetos.

I looked them up and down. They didn’t seem to have any noticeable medical conditions. I mean, if they didn’t have either of their legs I could understand them taking the elevator down one floor. Oh, wait. According to this article, that is no longer a viable excuse.

So, what could it be that prompted these women to take the elevator one floor rather than traversing the paltry 10 steps?

“Lucy, Bahaha, we’re so lazy aren’t we?” The woman’s nasally voice broke my concentration. Lazy aren’t we… Wait, surely she couldn’t mean—

“So true, Bridget-Anne! Look at us take the elevator down on floor. No wonder we’re so out of shape, Clahahblah!

So, there was absolutely nothing wrong with them? They were just lazy? Better yet, they recognized the downfall of their physical condition, but still chose to perform the action most detrimental to their health.
Upon realizing the details of their lethargic decision, it was impossible to hold it back. I dragged my hands over my face and began to weep.

The women stopped their conversation and looked at me hesitantly, Ding! The doors slid open and the women shrugged as they left the elevator. I managed to regain my composure and straightened out my noose and dress shirt.

At least I survived the traumatic experience. I didn’t know if I would be able to go through that situation again, but I can’t say I wasn’t relieved it was over. Ding! The elevator stopped on floor 25. The doors opened to a group of young, spiky haired businessmen.

“18 beers? That’s nothing, Frank. Grows some balls,” one scoffed as he punched the button labeled ‘24’. It was then that I lost all consciousness.

P.S. If you haven't done so already, check out my guest post on Muppets for Justice.


Furthermore, this is a submission for Dude Write #4.

42 comments:

  1. I actually really hate people that go down or up one floor. IT'S ONE FRICKIN FLOOR YOU LAZY BASTARDS. I'm out of shape and I'd rather walk it than declare to the world what a lazy thing I am. When I was at college they actually prohibited people from taking it one floor.

    Though I don't think anyone really listened.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds like an excellent college. But, I'm pretty out of shape myself and I, too, would rather take the stairs up one flight rather than pissing the people off in the elevator.

      Delete
  2. I have to go up and down one floor at work every day because the geniuses who built the place decided to put the stairwell from the underground parking garage to the first floor (where our office is) a long ways away and outside a security door. I mean until we moved into this building I always thought if you had an elevator you needed to have stairs close by in case of fire or something. It's an idiotic layout.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is a strange layout. At my old job, we had an elevator that one went up and down on floor, but at least there was a staircase directly next to it.

      Delete
  3. My sister does this all the time, but people think it's cute because she is so thin. There's a reason for her taking elevators to go down one floor, and it isn't just laziness. She smokes at least a pack a day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, at my old job, there was a cook who smoke 2 packs a day. In the time it took me to finish one cigarette, he'd already rifled through 3. Needless to say, he was a frequent one-floor elevator rider.

      Delete
  4. Haha are you kidding? I've never known people to do this? My parents pick my sister up from school in the car; it's literally, and I mean literally a two min walk away! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never really noticed it until I started work in a 32 story building. It wouldn't annoy me it I was on the 5th floor or something reasonable, but since I'm on the 30th floor, a constant flow of these one-floor elevator riders take a lot of time out of my lunch break.

      Delete
  5. I hate when I hear snapping noises from my shaft.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bazing! I had to look back to confirm I actually wrote that down.

      Delete
  6. I was seriously hoping you performed the Falcon Punch to the one-floor losers. Hey at least when you regained conciousness you were probably on the ground floor...right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, if only I was more violent. Perhaps I should get Jack Nicholson to perform the same majic as he did from that movie 'Anger Management'.

      And, when I regained conciousness, I was unfortunately in the underground parking lot with my pants around my ankles.

      Delete
  7. To save time and aggravation next time you should just climb out your office window and gently drop to the ground. That's what I alway do. Sometimes do. OK. I've only done it once.
    -formerly flip

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The amount of people that do that is staggering. Though, it's difficult to confirm whether they are try to cut down on wasted lunch time or get away from the loud cackling woman in our office.

      Delete
  8. hahaha story of my LIFE! i feel like elevator violence should be allowed!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know. It should be like international waters. Anything goes. If I could only find a way to get rid of the cameras...

      Delete
  9. Back when I was employed, I had a coworker who did this, and he did it because he was so fat that if he went down the one set of stairs he would break out in sweat and start wheezing. Not joking. And yet, funnily enough, it sounded like this guy needed nothing but stairs in his life. I wonder if he's dead of a heart attack yet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I suppose he was doing the office a favor by not clogging the starwell with his 40 minute trek. Also, I'm sure the smell of perspired Cheetos and wheezing was a good incentive to take the elevator. Fortunately for this guy, the unhealthier your lifestyle, the better treatment you get in hospitals.

      Delete
  10. I'm glad I don't have to deal with elevators! For a minute I thought you were going to drop the ol stink bomb in the elavator routine... turns out to just be a rant on lazy people!

    Hey, wait a minute! I'm lazy! So what are you saying? lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I'm lazy as a sac of farts, but I'm a respectable lazy person. My laziness only affects myself.

      I do have a post about farting on an elevator, though. It was written way back when I didn't know grammar existed.

      Delete
    2. I too thought at first the cubicle farting was going to continue into the elevator, with the final destination being a lobby level battle of the buttcheeks bathroom trip.

      Delete
    3. But, my farts would most likely trigger the fire alarm, and therefore, prolonging the company of these two women since the elevator stops during a fire alarm.

      Delete
  11. Great writing! I get that - when you are cranky already people taking one floor is massively annoying. The amount of time it takes to walk to the elevator, stop the elevator, wait for the doors to open, press the button, wait for the doors to close, they could have already been there. Very nice of you not to fart on them, I have to say.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. It was a challenge to say the least. The funny part is the staircase is in the center of their floor whereas the elevator is past the lobby. They need to card back in after taking the elevator. It's a lot more difficult than it needs to be.

      Delete
  12. Fantastic post! I'm more annoyed by the people who are going down one floor than those going up. I mean, control a fall and you've gone down one floor. You should lobby for some healthy signs in big letters that talk about how many calories are burned walking up a flight of stairs.

    I'm sure that pressing the magic button and hearing the even more magical ding is a Pavlovian response that will be hard to break. I can also recommend putting something really rancid in there... Sucks for you, but maybe you'll curb some behaviors.

    WG

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those are some pretty fantastic ideas. I'll probably just post bulletins all over the elevaors. Also, I may install mirrors on every elevator so the people can have a change to look at themselves as they glide down one floor.

      Delete
  13. People find great amusement in pressing every button just before they get out of the lift. Stopping at every floor when nobody is waiting is a pain. I prefer stairs.... within reason.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When the building works on the elevators, they will stop on every floor the way down for a while. I just have to keep pressing the 'close door' button until I reach the ground floor. It's a good 5 minute trip.

      Delete
  14. Duh, if you had just leaked one of your famous farts, they would have turned around before he elevator doors ever shut and taken the stairs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True, but I might have been caught in the crossfire of my own farts. They're extreme dangerous and highly toxic.

      Delete
  15. You should have let it rip, dude.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But, the hallucinogenic effects might have triggered a violent response from the very dangerous looking women.

      Delete
  16. Ha! We are a worthless population of fatty fat fat fats. Get with it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Never has there been a truer statement. I should stuff my face more so I don't seem so out of place.

      Delete
  17. Ha! We're all on the subject of farting! I know what you mean about lazy people - I work one floor up and the amount of people who take the elevator one floor is incredible. I like to use my creaky knees!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Because there's always so much to say about farting. Most lessons in my life have been learned from situations involving farts. And, if I could avoid using the elevator I would, but we don't have a staircase in our offiee since we only rent one floor.

      Delete
  18. My philosophy is that you should always take the stairs when going down, but going up, it's fine to take the elevator. Still, I only work in a 7 storey building.

    The lift has been broken all week though, so I've been hauling my arse all the way to 7th every morning. Pity me and my 1st world problems!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well that's permissable, you're going up 7 floors. But, 1st world problems, shmersh world problem, I have a lunch to eat, damn it! Sometimes it's a real drag living in a wealthy country with running water and a stable economy.

      Delete
  19. You should have just walked down the staircase. I use to live on the fourtenth floor on a building and once you get use to running down stairs you can get quite fast at it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really would have. I lived 8 flights up before and I got to the point where I could jump over a majority of the steps. However, being on the 30th floor, we don't have access to the staircase unless there's an emergency, so we're forced to used the elevator.

      Delete
    2. I think you should invest in a parashoot! Then you could just jump!

      Delete
    3. Now THAT is a million dollar idea! Or I could get those suction cup things that Tom Cruise uses in Mission Impossible.

      Delete