The following is a guest post from the insanely hilarious Addman from Muppets for Justice. If you are following me and, for some frighteningly odd reason, you are not following him, I
urge you demand you to visit his site. I guarantee the first thought in your mind will be, "Why on Earth am I reading the incessant, poorly written ramblings of a drugged out nerd who refers to himself as Chiz, when their are bloggers of this caliber out there?" In case none of that made sense, go to his blog now... well, after you read the following.
Have you ever heard of rap music before? Probably not. It seems to be a very low key genre of music that record companies haven’t discovered the potential of yet.
I hadn’t even heard of a Hip Hop until last week when I stumbled across some rappers delights on the Internet. My ears immediately grew to twice their usual size to accommodate this sonic experience. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. People were talking over music. Amazing! It’s like poetry, except a rapper would rather insist on a blowjob than sit around comparing thee to a summer’s day. It’s this direct communication that first caught my attention.
Despite enjoying the music, I find it difficult to understand the language behind it. I must admit, I’m not all that streetwise and I’ve never owned a “ghetto” to the best of my knowledge, so I struggled to comprehend the lyrics. Why did rappers often try to extort money from garden tools? Is a “shawty” a midget? After devising a rudimentary Rap Dictionary, I set about decoding these works and putting them in a readable format. As a little game, see if you can identify these famous rap songs from my very straightforward translations:
1. My mother has suggested that I render you unconscious.
2. Two impoverished young ladies dance suggestively around the perimeter, around the perimeter, around the perimeter.
3. The general populace has witnessed my casual driving style, many people profess to hate me for it, the police force hope to pay witness to my dirty riding.
4. In these modern times many members of the public attempt verbal communication, although they have nothing of interest to convey, so little of substance is put forward, excluding mentally deficient sentence structures, the reason behind this phenomenon is that they fail to recognise Dre.
5. I'm mentally inadequate in my cerebral mucus, mentally inadequate in my cerebral cortex.
6. I enjoy the company of ladies with rotund posteriors, and I must confess that this is the truth, I challenge other members of my gender to prove that this claim is not representative of a demographic trend.
7. Oh, my darling I enjoy our intercourse without any frills attached, I enjoy it without frills attaaaaached!
8. I require currency, currency, currency is what I require
9. The temperature of this room has dramatically increased, lest you perish in this inferno, I implore you to remove your garments.
10. If you are not a fan of my musical endeavours I invite you to perform fellatio on me, because I was under the influence of narcotics when I attempted this, so how about that fellatio?
11. Go vertically challenged lady, today is the anniversary of your birth, we're going to celebrate as if it is the anniversary of your birth.
12. My buttermilk drinks summon all those of male gender to an openly paved area, and they declare my produce to be of superior quality, damn right it’s of superior quality, I could educate you in exchange for currency.
13. I am the pinnacle of my social class, I have risen to a well respected status amongst my peers, I do not partake in the consumption of swine as that is slang for a police officer.
14. Sometimes people mistake me for being mentally retarded, but I just don't conform to standard social cues.
1) LL Cool J – Mama Said Knock You Out
2) Eminem – Without Me
3) Chamillionaire – Ridin Dirty
4) Dr Dre + Eminem – Forgot About Dre
5) Cypress Hill – Insane In The Brain
6) Sir Mix-A-Lot – I Like Big Butts
7) Ol’ Dirty Bastard – Shimmy Shimmy Ya
8) Aloe Blacc – I Need A Dollar
9) Nelly – Hot In Here
10) D12 – Suck My Dick
11) 50 Cent – In Da Club
12) Kelis – My Milkshake
13) House of Pain – Jump Around
14) Dizzee Rascal - Bonkers