Friday, July 27, 2012

Battering Ram Babies


Using babies as a weapon is an epidemic that is whittling away at the stilts of humanity. What I’m specifically referencing is the act of a mother or father using their baby or toddler as a blunt weapon to clear shortcuts through a large gathering of people in order to arrive at their desired destination in a speedy manner. There are varying types of ways to wield a baby as a weapon, a few of which I will describe in detail below.

The Steam-Stroller

You’re waiting to board your train amongst a throng of edgy opponents. We have the ticking time bomb, ready to unleash his months of pent up rage. We have the inconsiderate college student; his headphones dangling around his neck, only fueling the rage with his angry music. But, none is more dangerous than an impatient mother and her Steam-Stroller.

The crowd starts moving and soon everyone is approaching the platform at a steady pace. Everything is going better than anticipated… until you feel a tread tug on the heel of your shoe. You glance back just in time to catch a glimpse of a tiny tire burning rubber down the cement. “S’cuse me!’ cries the mother, drowning out the wails of her child as it’s unwillingly forced into a round of bumper cars. You hardly have time to dodge the unrelenting force of the stroller but not without losing your balance and teeter on the edge of the platform. A friendly gentleman tugs on your sleeve so that you may regain your footing. As the mother plows down the innocent, you thank God that today was not your day to fall victim to The Steam-Stroller.

The Wrecking Ball Baby

This is particular method is more efficient than the previous wielding technique as this is an all-terrain weapon. What this method entails is a leash with a toddler attached to the end of it. The mother has full control of the child. If she needs to cover her flank, she just yanks the child backward. An aerial assault? Nothing an over hand whip can’t handle. This Wrecking Ball Baby has the ability to cover all fronts.
To further accentuate its versatility, the Wrecking Ball Baby can also be used as a trip wire. Say a man is trying to walk along the outside of a crowded area. Wait for something to catch the child’s attention and secure the leash along the only clear walkway. When the man trips over the footing, you’ve just earned yourself and easy $1 million dollars and an excuse to unleash your boiling rage on an innocent man.





The Baby Breast Plate

You're standing in line for a movie. The line's getting longer and people are becoming restless, but there is still order. Well, that's what you are led to believe until you begin to feel something pressing against your spine. The unidentifiable object begins to squirm, so you move forward. Then, you feel it again. You finally gain the courage to turn toward the attacker, when you see a mother donning a baby chest carrier. Perhaps it was a mistake, you think to yourself. You turn back to the front of the line, and you feel the baby being squished against your spine. You decide to hold your ground, but the tension becomes stronger as you feel the baby being crushed between the two forces. It is at that point that you jump out of line in order to spare the poor child's life as you allow the mother to pass and eventually gain ground on the next unsuspecting victim.
______________


Although beneficial, these techniques have the capacity to seriously injure a child. Therefore, only experienced mothers and fathers are permitted to use their children as battering rams.

This is not a testament to the use of such methods; I am merely shedding light on a seriously annoying issue that I am constantly the victim of. Aside from a swinging mace baby, these accounts are somewhat realistic. I do not condone the act of using young children as medieval weapons.

If you can't tell, I proofread none of this. So spare me.


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53 comments:

  1. I think people should need a license to brandish a baby in public. Also, that picture of a baby coming out of the woman's jumper is like a scene from Alien.

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    1. There is actually a whole bunch of photoshopped versions of that picture, all of which are very hilarious.

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  2. Even though I hate these tactics, and find them beyond dirty play, when I'm with my sister and she uses the Steam-Stroller I'm forced to accept that it's pretty handy, and it actually works. The last one is definitely dangerous to a baby though.

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    1. I have no experience with strollers so perhaps I would use these tactics. Maybe I'll pick up one of those moldy strollers on the side of the road and put a cabbage patch kid in it. I'll give it a try at least.

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  3. I have a friend who used to use his son's stroller to stop lift doors from closing before he could get in. Needless to say, when his wife realised he was doing it she was less than impressed.

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    1. Good think he never encountered any malfunctioning doors. I try to hold a door open for a coworker once, but the doors weren't having it I suppose.

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  4. Ok I admit that I was once a fully paid up member of the ankle crusher buggy society. But I only rammed the ankles of those that would decide to stop right in the middle of the street and only after they had ignored my cries of "excuse me" after the 500th times.

    I took no pleasure in the agonized screams of those hit, nor did I relish the loud crunching of ankle bones caving in...honest.

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    1. Alright, that's permissable. The people who are okay to collide into are those who text and walk, those who aimlessly stare up at the sky, those who stop in the middle of a busy walkway for no reason, and teens who walk side-by-side without attempting to move out of your way in the least bit. I admit I do the flat-tire every once in a while when people don't knoe how to walk.

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  5. When my mom was ill, she had to be in a wheel chair. I fully confess that there were occasions when I used her wheel chair to clear the way! And whose going to complain? It's a sick lady with oxygen in a wheel chair for goodness sake!

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    1. My friend who's in a wheelchair bashes into people when he's drunk. We got kicked out of Dave & Buster's because he kept colliding into people. No one could really be mad though. Although the security guards were real dicks (rightfully so).

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  6. This isn't something I've paid attention to before, but now I'm going to be on the lookout for this. I'll rent a baby if I have to if I need to get people out of my way. Well...probably not.

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    1. It's really useful during the holiday season at the mall or during rush hour. I've fallen victim to it and I can say that it has effectively made me weary of where I walk.

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  7. This is hilarious. I'm a mom, and I've had the serious urge to chuck full cans of formula at moms who use their strollers to push through crowds and run me over - when I'm trying to push my own stroller like a normal person. Stop it you silly cows. Take a nice deep breath and behave like a normal person.

    The wrecking ball baby one was new to me, but funny as all hell to imagine. I did use one of those things for my kid, but I never trusted the kid enough to let them more than 4.2 inches away, so I don't think I ever tripped anyone.

    I've yet to see the chest plate used in action either, but I'm breaking out in a cold sweat here. I HATE people who have no concept of personal space in a line. Using your baby to push people forward/out of the way in line...I may have to stab you.

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    1. I've actually had the breast plate baby actually happen to me. The mother was so close that the baby's feet were kicking against my back. I was beyond words that that point. Even one of my infamous stare backs was not enough.

      Mostly it's just people with unnecessarily huge duffel bags bumping into me though.

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  8. If you tie two babies together at the ankles you can make a devastatingly effective pair of nunchucks out of them.

    (I've heard)

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    1. I certainly would not want to run into someone in an alley wielding those.

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  9. Those strollers can really clear a crowd, especially when I have my youngest yelling 'MOVE" - her inability to grasp socially acceptable tactics really comes in handy.

    I tried the leash thing once, and I hated the idea but it was black Friday and I was worried about losing the older one as she tends to wander. I felt so foolish the entire time. And the oldest was so excited and kept "pulling' on the leash like she was a dog in addition to crawling on the floor and barking. That would have been the first and last time I used the "leash" my mother bought for me.

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    1. As far as I'm concerned, 'MOVE' is the most acceptable thing you can say to some of these people. Anything less would be too subtle.

      And, I can see how a leash can come in handy. I'm paranoid as fuck, so give me a child and that'll pretty much guarantee me a heart attack. Just the other day I saw a woman with to leashed children. I face palmed so hard that I broke my nose, but as if clockwork, I saw another mother chasing her kid through the train station. So, my ignorance was fully apparent that day. Leashes aren't as bad as I thought.

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  10. Loved this post Chiz but let's not forget The Future Little League baby, the one that no matter where you sit in a restaurant can throw a bottle full of sticky juice and manage to land it in your plate every time. Mom gets up to retrieve the bottle and apologize profusely only to go back and give the bottle back to the baby who once again launches it in your direction.

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    1. Awesome that you mention this because it happened to me on the train a few weeks ago. I was hit by a water of bottle thrown by a baby, so I gave it back to the mother who proceeded to give it back to the baby. This happened 3 times before I kicked it down the aisle and pretended it rolled out of my reach.

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  11. This is actually a good thing. Darwinism at its finest!

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    1. Only the babies with advanced bone structure can survive and prosper.

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  12. The foulest act of using babies as weapons comes in the form of leverage in an argument or dispute, particularly between divorced parents. They hold the baby up in your face and use it as a deflector shield for the onslaught of abusive words heading their way. It sickens me! I would much rather witness the steam stroller than this God awful act!

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    1. I've never witnessed that myself, but I've seen movies portray that act so I know what you're talking about. Despicable to say the least.

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  13. Nice work...I see examples of children being used as all sorts of weapons every time I am in WalMart. I call the Hispanic family with 8 kids "Daisy Cutters" after the Vietnam era weaponry. Those kids will take you off at the knees without batting an eye!

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    1. That sounds horrifying; though, leave it up to WalMart to house these types of antics.

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  14. There is nothing worse than an ankle clipper. I've been kicked countless times in the shins in various soccer games throughout my life, it no longer hurts. Clip me right at the Achilles with a baby mobile and I'm limping for days.

    WG

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    1. Oh, I remember the days of having those ultra sensitive shins after almost having it cracked in half. Just you pant leg rubbing against it hurt.

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  15. I use my wife's wheelchair on the street like that. You'd be amazed how many people think they have to use the sidewalk ramp that goes down to the street. Step off the curb like everyone else you idiot, the ramp is there for a reason.

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    1. Bah, I know exactly what you're talking about. Crossing the road during rush hour sucks as everyone tries to file down the ramp. The curb is like 5 inches high, just walk over it.

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  16. Frankly, if this isn't a reason to have children, I don't know what is. BRB, impregnating wife, LOL.

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    1. Make sure when the baby comes out that you feed it enough to build up a protective layer of fat. You'll get more use out of it that way.

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  17. The only time we have ever "used" our Minions in public was at a restaurant, which has gone out of business at this point. The service was shitty, the food sucked so we made a ploy that one of them got sick and we had to leave abruptly, we asked for the check but they never brought it to us, hence the shitty service.

    Great post!

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    1. That's awesome. Hopefully they learned a valuable lesson after that. Maybe I just have something against waiters since I was a cook for a few years and basically constantly got berated by them.

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  18. For goodness sake, there have to be some advantages to having squeezed out a monster through somewhere that should never have to stretch that far ... and if using babies as battering rams isn't the reason for having them, then I don't know what is. It's certainly not the undying thanks you get once in a blue moon!

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    1. It's essentially like unsheathing a master weapon after it has been welded for 9 months. So, I suppose it is permissable

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  19. You know what else clears a crowd? The screaming baby. Nobody wants to be anywhere near that wailing kid in the jump seat of the shopping cart.

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    1. True. Wailing babies are my kryptonite. I can't stand the sound. Though, I guess that's how it's supposed to be. When you hear a baby crying you got to do whatever is in your power to make it stop, short of shaking it.

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  20. I once used my nieces to get to the front of the grocery line. Okay, I did it more than once, but then one day, a large woman actually tackled one of the little runts. I would have said something but she was scary looking. She had junk in the trunk and was not afraid to use it. Death by butt.

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    1. Oh what a horrible death that would be. Sometimes people take things a little too far. Grocery stores are dangerous place, but not as frightening as WalMart.

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  21. Ugh, there is nothing that annoys me more than kids on leashes. Is your child a pet?

    Funny stuff, Chiz.

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    1. Thanks, Youngman. I actually attempted to write a post on these types of people a while back, but it evolved into a rant about something completely different.

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  22. I'm glad my parents never resorted to leashes. My oldest brother now does it for his kids.

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    1. Did they even have human leashes that long ago? I thought the fad began in like 2000 or something. Then again, I suppose my parents could still resort to the leash if I were to get out of hand.

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  23. hahaha you know, i never thought of children as potential weapons. but I LIKE IT. totally justifies why people want kids: so you can get through malls quicker!

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    1. I know, right? I may have to adopt so I don't have to sit through the whole baby-making process.

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  24. You left out the baby bomb: http://dvice.com/archives/2008/10/bomb-baby-strol.php

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    1. Holy crap! That looks pretty lethal. Thank God I haven't ran into one of those.

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  25. I put my child on a chain outside in the backyard, but never in public on a leash. Pshhh...that is just tacky.

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    1. That's the right way to do it. There's leash laws in most neighborhoods. I'm glad someone follows them.

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