Using babies as a weapon is an epidemic that is whittling away at the stilts of humanity. What I’m specifically referencing is the act of a mother or father using their baby or toddler as a blunt weapon to clear shortcuts through a large gathering of people in order to arrive at their desired destination in a speedy manner. There are varying types of ways to wield a baby as a weapon, a few of which I will describe in detail below.
You’re waiting to board your train amongst a throng of edgy opponents. We have the ticking time bomb, ready to unleash his months of pent up rage. We have the inconsiderate college student; his headphones dangling around his neck, only fueling the rage with his angry music. But, none is more dangerous than an impatient mother and her Steam-Stroller.
The crowd starts moving and soon everyone is approaching the platform at a steady pace. Everything is going better than anticipated… until you feel a tread tug on the heel of your shoe. You glance back just in time to catch a glimpse of a tiny tire burning rubber down the cement. “S’cuse me!’ cries the mother, drowning out the wails of her child as it’s unwillingly forced into a round of bumper cars. You hardly have time to dodge the unrelenting force of the stroller but not without losing your balance and teeter on the edge of the platform. A friendly gentleman tugs on your sleeve so that you may regain your footing. As the mother plows down the innocent, you thank God that today was not your day to fall victim to The Steam-Stroller.
The Wrecking Ball Baby
This is particular method is more efficient than the previous wielding technique as this is an all-terrain weapon. What this method entails is a leash with a toddler attached to the end of it. The mother has full control of the child. If she needs to cover her flank, she just yanks the child backward. An aerial assault? Nothing an over hand whip can’t handle. This Wrecking Ball Baby has the ability to cover all fronts.
To further accentuate its versatility, the Wrecking Ball Baby can also be used as a trip wire. Say a man is trying to walk along the outside of a crowded area. Wait for something to catch the child’s attention and secure the leash along the only clear walkway. When the man trips over the footing, you’ve just earned yourself and easy $1 million dollars and an excuse to unleash your boiling rage on an innocent man.
The Baby Breast Plate
You're standing in line for a movie. The line's getting longer and people are becoming restless, but there is still order. Well, that's what you are led to believe until you begin to feel something pressing against your spine. The unidentifiable object begins to squirm, so you move forward. Then, you feel it again. You finally gain the courage to turn toward the attacker, when you see a mother donning a baby chest carrier. Perhaps it was a mistake, you think to yourself. You turn back to the front of the line, and you feel the baby being squished against your spine. You decide to hold your ground, but the tension becomes stronger as you feel the baby being crushed between the two forces. It is at that point that you jump out of line in order to spare the poor child's life as you allow the mother to pass and eventually gain ground on the next unsuspecting victim.
Although beneficial, these techniques have the capacity to seriously injure a child. Therefore, only experienced mothers and fathers are permitted to use their children as battering rams.
This is not a testament to the use of such methods; I am merely shedding light on a seriously annoying issue that I am constantly the victim of. Aside from a swinging mace baby, these accounts are somewhat realistic. I do not condone the act of using young children as medieval weapons.
If you can't tell, I proofread none of this. So spare me.
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