Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Who Needs a Time Machine?



Link Summary: Middleborough, MA has banned profanity, allowing authorities to issue a $20 citation for any caught using vulgar language in public.

I’m sure many of you are dumbfounded by this announcement, but I am bizarrely thrilled by the passing of this law. Before you place that 10 cent bounty on my head, give an opportunity to explain myself. By further setting limitations on our rights as citizens, we are reverting back to an era I forever wished to be a part of. Ladies and gentleman, we are venturing back into the Iron Age!

This excites me as I live within just a few miles of Middleborough. That means that my town is next in line for a good two-millennium rewind. I’ve already begun a petition to change Lake Assawompsett’s name to Lake “Buttawompsett”. I want to assist in the act of reversing culture and society.

I’ve already arranged a meeting with my town hall to erect a pillory in the town square. Public humiliation is the only way to get through to modern-day criminals. Once Project Pillory is at full throttle, I’ll move onto more revolutionary ideas such as tar and feathering and maybe even public executions.

I believe with my help, we’ll have Massachusetts running like 1600s England by the end of the decade.

Hopefully, when I still have a significant amount of life left in me, we’ll have replaced the town hall with a steadfast stronghold, capable of withstanding attacks from surrounding kingdoms. Certainly by this time, all guns will be banished from the land, making short ranged iron one of the most effective forms of combat.
When Sir Steve discovered that Sir Billy's passive aggressive Facebook
comment was about him, the Duel of Dorchester was immediately declared.

Even though I will have been the key component in this nationwide rewind, I don’t see myself fit to be King. I will certainly settle for a position on the King’s Guard. Oh, alright, I’ll be the King’s Hand if I must, but nothing of higher rank. I won’t be able to handle the stress.

Hell, with the help of the zombies down in Miami, we may even be able to make Game of Thrones a reality (Though, instead of White Walkers, we’ll have to settle for Beach Tan Walkers).

Anyway, with your help, we can rid ourselves of that false notion that we wish to be civilized.

 Make sure each and every one of you votes for every backtracking bylaw that’s suggested in your area.



-This post has been submitted to Dude Write. I am participating in this week's Dude Write Starting Lineup. Check out the other submissions while you're there.

40 comments:

  1. This is quite a good trip backwards. If anything a reversion to iron based short range weapons may help in the coming zombie apocalypse. The reason they survive gunfire so well is that it doesn't break them. A few slashes from a sword and they're fucked really. Wait, you want to fine me? Shit. God damn it. What, damn counts too? How much do I owe you now?

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    1. Dismembering the head of a zombie is the most effective way to stop them. Also, swords don't run out of ammo. Also, you owe me $60 and you get the privilege of having me follow you for the next 4 blocks.

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  2. Fuck all that shit...oops...what's my fine??

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  3. Can you get arrested for swearing an oath to the devil? If not, I'm safe.

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    1. I think you're safe. Unless the the phrase, "hell be thy domain" was audible enough for authorities to hear. I'm guessing they don't take kindly to the word "hell".

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  4. So much for freedom of speech! I would have to be a fucking billionaire to live there because I shout profanities like I have Tourette's syndrome!

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    1. As do I. So, when i go to visit my grandfather who resides in Middleboro, I'll have to bring a pillow to smother my face every time something doesn't go my way or I get too excited.

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  5. This post is brilliant. I wouldn't mind going back to a simpler time, but then I would miss modern conveniences too much (running water, most notably)

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    1. Thanks! As for modern conveniences, I'd certainly miss microwaves. I'd starve without one.

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  6. But I like being civilized. I'd die without my internet and technology. :(

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    1. Yeah, but just think of how cool it would be wear armor and duel foes with massive broad swords.

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  7. Oh boy. You've seen my blog. You KNOW how much I swear. I'm fairly sure I'd be broke after spending the day there!

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    1. I use the F-word as a place holder instead of "um" or "uh". I'm certain I'd be swimming in debt right beside you.

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  8. Oh God, does this fine extend to the Internet? Because I got really angry at someone on an Internet forum, and I don't want to go into the details, but let's just say I don't have $680 to pay for my disagreement over Michael Bay's treatment of the Ninja Turtles.

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    1. I hadn't heard about this. After having just looked up the details, I am horrified by this unorthodox treatment of the Ninja Turtles. Aliens? Seriously?! ALIENS?! Quickly, let's get this time warp rolling.

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  9. America land of the free! With freedom of speech! And liberty and justice for all! just don't cuss...

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    1. America: Defender of freedom and spanker of potty-mouthed meany-pants.

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  10. "spanker of potty-mouthed meany-pants." For some reason I just loved the sound of this, lmao.

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    1. A name that truly justifies the workings of our authoritative system! I'm tempted to go to this town and start yelling harmless obsenities. "Poopy, peepee, poop, fart!" I'm so mature.

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    2. You should do that! And hopefully many other Americans will desend apon the same town and join in! Can you imagian streets full of hoardes of people all yelling "poopoo peepee bumbum!"?

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    3. "Poop, fart, caca, booger, peepee." Oh it would be glorious. Either that, or buy a crappy radio, hide it somewhere in the middle of town, and play some extremely dirty rap song with tons of expletives really loudly.

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  11. Hey Chiz, not to sound like a spambot or anything, but would you be interested in doing a guest post over at Muppets For Justice? If so, could I speak to you via email? If you'd rather not post it here, you could always send me an email at: addman_00@hotmail.com

    Also, click here for free viagra and ipads!

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    1. I would be honored to do a guest post! I'll send you an email as I don't have a seperate email for my blogger account.

      Delete
  12. Simpler times...I remember those days. Oh, wait nothing was ever simple for me, but I do like my microwave! I would starve without that. I miss jousting, though...

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    1. The possibilities are endless. There's no better entertainment than what you can witness at a medieval tournament.

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  13. Oh, I see what you did there, but this is a serious issue. My grandmother told me about my mother's childhood friend. She used profanity often, and became possessed by a demon that manifested itself as depression. Within months, this girl was found dead in the cemetery. She ingested bleach. How considerate of her to kill herself in a cemetery. Fuck, what a fucking darling.

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    1. Oh man, that sounds pretty horrific. I could think of some better ways to go than to ingest bleach. I'm sorry to hear that.

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  14. Umm, cooking over fire...yeah.
    And putting quill to paper...ok!
    Wait, slapping the snot out of someone with an armored glove to indicate that you request their presence outside... OH YEAH! (expletive removed for fear of Tipper Gore)

    WG

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    1. I get even more excited with every comment! I can't wait until King Richard's Faire becomes more than just a traveling circus!

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  15. That's a stupid fucking law. Oops! I hope I don't get fined for that.

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    1. Only if you consider time travel a fine.

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  16. Hello good sir, I hope this raven finds you well. I am on my way to join your new kingdom post haste, which is to say in 5-6 months, or however long it takes my ship to get there!

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    1. I have been delivered your message by the Atlantic border patrol. They apparently shot down the raven as it was violating international protocol. But rest assured, your visit will be welcome, and hopfully this minor mishap does not negatively influence our truce.

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  17. Okay 1 - my husband just told me about the crazy man eater down south just the other day and Holy Fuck (see what I did there), is this going it be a new trend? Like when Twilight fans started biting the people they loved instead of kissing them? If we go back to a time where there is no swearing, i'd be the first to get flogged.

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    1. Well, unfortunately, eventhough I came up with the idea for the pillory, I am the one that's lock up in it most due to my incessant swearing. I'm forced to constantly wash vegetables and fruits from my hair as the townfolk find tossing produce to be the most effective form of hazing.

      But, I never heard of that Twilight biting fad. That's a bit strange to say the least.

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  18. Hi, would you be interested in participating in the blog tour for my award-winning humour novel Royal Flush, to be held in August? If so, email me at scott_t_bartlett@hotmail.com to discuss it further.

    (Feel free to delete this comment.)

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    1. I'll shoot you an email tomorrow. I've been a bit busy this weekend.

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