Link Summary: Middleborough, MA has banned profanity, allowing authorities to issue a $20 citation for any caught using vulgar language in public.
I’m sure many of you are dumbfounded by this announcement, but I am bizarrely thrilled by the passing of this law. Before you place that 10 cent bounty on my head, give an opportunity to explain myself. By further setting limitations on our rights as citizens, we are reverting back to an era I forever wished to be a part of. Ladies and gentleman, we are venturing back into the Iron Age!
This excites me as I live within just a few miles of Middleborough. That means that my town is next in line for a good two-millennium rewind. I’ve already begun a petition to change Lake Assawompsett’s name to Lake “Buttawompsett”. I want to assist in the act of reversing culture and society.
I’ve already arranged a meeting with my town hall to erect a pillory in the town square. Public humiliation is the only way to get through to modern-day criminals. Once Project Pillory is at full throttle, I’ll move onto more revolutionary ideas such as tar and feathering and maybe even public executions.
I believe with my help, we’ll have Massachusetts running like 1600s England by the end of the decade.
Hopefully, when I still have a significant amount of life left in me, we’ll have replaced the town hall with a steadfast stronghold, capable of withstanding attacks from surrounding kingdoms. Certainly by this time, all guns will be banished from the land, making short ranged iron one of the most effective forms of combat.
When Sir Steve discovered that Sir Billy's passive aggressive Facebook
comment was about him, the Duel of Dorchester was immediately declared.
Even though I will have been the key component in this nationwide rewind, I don’t see myself fit to be King. I will certainly settle for a position on the King’s Guard. Oh, alright, I’ll be the King’s Hand if I must, but nothing of higher rank. I won’t be able to handle the stress.
Hell, with the help of the zombies down in Miami, we may even be able to make Game of Thrones a reality (Though, instead of White Walkers, we’ll have to settle for Beach Tan Walkers).
Anyway, with your help, we can rid ourselves of that false notion that we wish to be civilized.