Friday, June 1, 2012

Sensitive Sallys


♪ *kick off the drum solo* It’s time! It’s time! It’s Tiyayime! Timeytimeytime! For another lame Chiz rant! ♪ (Figured I’d make a theme song to lead off another one of my shitty rants. It can serve as a warning every time you hear it.)

So, I was waiting in line at the grocery story with a friend of mine. We were about to check out with our basket full of cucumbers, squash, zucchini, and other phallic vegetables. Just before we reached the cashier, I had a strange craving for something hard and full of think juiciness, and so I said out loud, in the most neutral voice imaginable, “Man, I wish I had an apple.” The entire grocery store fell silent. Customers approached me in an intimidating manner, as if something I had said turned them sideways.
 “Excuse me, sir,” a portly woman spoke up, “did you just say you want an apple?!”
“I believe that’s right what he said, damn near I tell ‘ya,” a man hollered.
“My daughter is an apple, sir! She’s only but a day old.”
“That there is sick, ‘ya hear?”
I guess I had roused a mob of hillbilly northerners. None of them seemed the least bit pleased with me. “Is there a problem?” I inquired.
“You meaning to have your way with my daughter,” one of the overanalyzing retards shouted.
“No, I just want an apple, y’know, to eat and all,” I timidly replied. A gasp echoed through the crowd. The woman with the apparent apple for a daughter fainted and shit her pants.
“You’re sick, mister. Sick!” a man with a pitchfork cried.
The customers grew more restless and began crying for blood. Thank God a policeman was there to rescue me from the angry mob. “What did you say to tick them off, son?” asked the officer.
“I just wanted an apple to eat, that’s all.”
The officer’s fact went pale. “You think you’re funny, huh? Let’s see you crack that joke in a court of law!”
So, here I am, writing from a jail cell awaiting the verdict.

Ssss, damn. I'd like to carve that up into a pie. Oooo.
Now, why did I tell you that completely true and fabricated story? Because stories like these are smeared on the front page of every online news source. Below is an excerpt from a completely real, made-up news article:

Over-analytical, White non-Hispanic man sues Wendy’s for handing him crackers with his chili. “It’s hard being a White man in America,” the man quoted, “I know exactly the statement that cashier was trying to get make. Crackers, huh? Why don’t you just hand me a barrel of mayonnaise?” The man hopes to sue the fast-food giant for 40 trillion dollars.

If you hadn’t noticed by now, people are falling ill with a rapidly spreading virus known as Sensitivitus, scientifically known as being a sensitive Sally. In the last week, I’ve seen several real articles that basically mirror that fake one I made up a moment ago. People are scouring the streets nowadays in an attempt to find something that offends them.

Here’s another example: When I used to smoke, I would make sure I was significantly out of the way of everyone. Yet, people would go out of their way to walk through my plume of smoke. They would literally scale fences in an attempt to get close enough to me to let loose an exaggerated cough and wave their hand in front of their face. They were looking for something that they could take offense to, and I just couldn’t figure it out.

I worked with a waitress who volunteered at a school for mentally challenged children. Now, when you work as a cook in an extremely busy kitchen, it is common practice to have an arsenal of swears to let loose. It’s the only way to quell the steadfast rage that matures within your pitiful soul. Anyway, moving on, I once spewed out a random cuss, something along the lines of “sweltering retards” or something. Well, in comes the hero, Ms. Sensitive Sally, to point out my ignorance. She quickly worked in her world-altering volunteer service to assert her superiority, “Did you say retard?! I work for a school for the mentally challenged! I find that highly offensive!” To which I had a response, “The fact that you instantly relate that term to the mentally challenged children you work alongside proves your own ignorance. The forefront definition of ‘retard’ is to hinder, impede, or delay, but it instantly brought to mind ‘the children you so love’ as soon as it left my mouth. What does that say about you?” (Alright, my real response wasn’t that well thought out. I think my real response was more like, “Fuck you! You think fuckin’ retard means retard? Well, fuck, you are ignorant! Get out of the kitchen, you harlot!” or something).  

That fact of the matter is that people choose to be offended by words when in facts that’s all they are… words. The fact that you instantly relate yourself to a derogatory term says a lot about your self-esteem.
 Ah! Words! I think I see a few in there that I can take out of context!
Anyway, are any of you still following me because I’m pretty sure I have no idea what I’m talking about anymore. So, that’s my cue to end it here, then. I’m sure you guys will have an argument that will tear apart my biased rant. I’m a white man in America, so I don’t face too many injustices. Damn, I wish I had more to complain about! I’m such a hypocrite.

20 comments:

  1. I do get what you're saying, and I actually recently made a podcast on a similar subject. People are getting offended way too easily these days, and even going out of their way to be offended. Retard means slow, impeding, like you said. Bastard means a child born out of wedlock, and a faggot is a bundle of sticks or a strange foodstuff.

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    1. Exactly. I realize that there are some terms that are unmistakably aimed at one specific audience. However, if that targeted group keeps getting offended by that term, they are more likely to be called that. And, what's the name of the post that the podcast is under.

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  2. In summary...you're a fuckin' retard who wants to eat an apple??? Am I close or what? Did I miis the point? BTW, you're right.

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    1. This is Chiz's lawyer speaking. You have a hearing at 6:00am Sunday morning. If you do not have an attorney, one will be appointed to you.

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  3. I say that all the time. People spend too much time trying to find shit to be offended by and it must be so exhausting. I don't do that (unless it's with my husband than I am a complete mess). but neighboring the people desperate to be offended are the folks desperate to sue and get money. I mean it sucks we don't live in a time anymore where you can punch someone for being an ass and just leaving it at that, now there are restraining orders, pressing charges, etc. (which of course only reaffirms the point that the "victim" was an asshole and deserved it)

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    1. I always wished I grew up in the iron age or something. You have a problem, you settle it with a sword fight to the death. Good thing I've never been appointed at part of a jury because I'd let my own observations influence my decision. "Oh, he punched you in the face. Well that sucks and all, but you shouldn't have called him a whore for not breaking a 20."

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  4. This post reminds me of a girl who took offense to one of her friends being referred to as 'little bean' by his group of white friends. She got so angry that she literally made herself sick. This girl plans on driving to another state just to punch those people in the face. I am that girl. Call me Sally. :)

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    1. There are obviously unmistakable racial terms that are aimed at a specific group as I'd stated to Mark. But, violence is better than taking someone to court in my opinion. So, you can be offended all you want, just as long as you take the situation into your own hands and not those of a greedy lawyer. I will call you Surge the Destroyer, instead.

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  5. I'm a white guy in suburbia and I'm STILL oppressed. But that's because my wife is Mexican, so I'm oppressed-by-relation.

    People around here get offended when I drive. When I DRIVE. Seriously, they all wave and scream at me to stop, because their children are playing in the streets and apparently my driving 5 mph under the speed limit is interfering with that.

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    1. Bah, I hate when people tell me to slow down on my own street. It drives me nuts. I've been living here longer; I get to decide what speed I drive! Most of the time I'm well under the speed limit anyway because the amount of children littering the streets.

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  6. My favorite example of this is when some starlet had to apologize for referring to herself as a spaz, it was offensive to epileptics. Oh and also, Aardman had to drop a trailer showing pirates with leprosy having their limbs drop off.

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    1. I heard of the Aardman case, but someone had to apologize for spaz?! God, I don't want to live here anymore. SpazAttack used to be my gaming tag for a lot of online games too. Good thing I got rid of it.

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  7. Completely true that people are finding any way possible to sue for slander, though I do have to also take offense to the "R" word. Even though it does offend me, however, I have used it, myself, in times of extreme rage or frustration, so don't feel too bad.

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    1. Ah, I'm sorry for mentioning it, but I totally agree with the "search for slander" initiative that has come about. Why can't people just work for a living?

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  8. I used to work in legal and they are referred to as Professional Plaintiffs. I guess I missed my calling, hmmm? I just got through reading an article about Gwyneth Paltrov twittering the "N" word and how outraged some people were about that. She was talking about a song JayZ had written and the title had the "N" word in it. Now people want her head on a stake. Pssf, people need to get a life.

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    1. I love how rappers do that. They'll have an expletive in the title of the song so you can't say it out loud to anyone. It's detrimental to marketing the song. Then, when people actually say the name of the song, a podium falls fromt he sky and pretty soon they're explaining themselves to the masses for something that's not that big a deal.

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  9. You sick man, wanting an apple! I just got back from a trip to West Virginia, and I think I met all the people in your completely true fabricated story. The only one you left out was the man driving his lawn mower through town in his overals, no shirt or shoes and a dog in his lap.

    The way I look at all these people who get offended at every little thing is if they don't like something I say or do, get the fuck over it. It's a free country and I'm a grown ass woman. If you're easily offended I'm probably not the friend for you because I often lack a filter between my brain and my mouth, but I entertain myself so it works for me.

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    1. Exactly. Also, I'm sure it has a lot to do with people wanted hand-outs from settlements and such. I certainly don't have a filter either; so as this epidemic becomes more widespread, I think I'm may be coughing up some cash in the near future to some sensative Sally.

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  10. I don't actually get that. Is apple a derogatory term for a child?

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    1. Bah, it's just my failed attempt at showing how people get offended by the simplest words. There's no hidden meaning behind the word.

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