♪ *kick off the drum solo* It’s time! It’s time! It’s Tiyayime! Timeytimeytime! For another lame Chiz rant! ♪ (Figured I’d make a theme song to lead off another one of my shitty rants. It can serve as a warning every time you hear it.)
So, I was waiting in line at the grocery story with a friend of mine. We were about to check out with our basket full of cucumbers, squash, zucchini, and other phallic vegetables. Just before we reached the cashier, I had a strange craving for something hard and full of think juiciness, and so I said out loud, in the most neutral voice imaginable, “Man, I wish I had an apple.” The entire grocery store fell silent. Customers approached me in an intimidating manner, as if something I had said turned them sideways.
“Excuse me, sir,” a portly woman spoke up, “did you just say you want an apple?!”
“I believe that’s right what he said, damn near I tell ‘ya,” a man hollered.
“My daughter is an apple, sir! She’s only but a day old.”
“That there is sick, ‘ya hear?”
“That there is sick, ‘ya hear?”
I guess I had roused a mob of hillbilly northerners. None of them seemed the least bit pleased with me. “Is there a problem?” I inquired.
“You meaning to have your way with my daughter,” one of the overanalyzing retards shouted.
“No, I just want an apple, y’know, to eat and all,” I timidly replied. A gasp echoed through the crowd. The woman with the apparent apple for a daughter fainted and shit her pants.
“You’re sick, mister. Sick!” a man with a pitchfork cried.
The customers grew more restless and began crying for blood. Thank God a policeman was there to rescue me from the angry mob. “What did you say to tick them off, son?” asked the officer.
“I just wanted an apple to eat, that’s all.”
The officer’s fact went pale. “You think you’re funny, huh? Let’s see you crack that joke in a court of law!”
So, here I am, writing from a jail cell awaiting the verdict.
Ssss, damn. I'd like to carve that up into a pie. Oooo.
Now, why did I tell you that completely true and fabricated story? Because stories like these are smeared on the front page of every online news source. Below is an excerpt from a completely real, made-up news article:
Over-analytical, White non-Hispanic man sues Wendy’s for handing him crackers with his chili. “It’s hard being a White man in America,” the man quoted, “I know exactly the statement that cashier was trying to get make. Crackers, huh? Why don’t you just hand me a barrel of mayonnaise?” The man hopes to sue the fast-food giant for 40 trillion dollars.
If you hadn’t noticed by now, people are falling ill with a rapidly spreading virus known as Sensitivitus, scientifically known as being a sensitive Sally. In the last week, I’ve seen several real articles that basically mirror that fake one I made up a moment ago. People are scouring the streets nowadays in an attempt to find something that offends them.
Here’s another example: When I used to smoke, I would make sure I was significantly out of the way of everyone. Yet, people would go out of their way to walk through my plume of smoke. They would literally scale fences in an attempt to get close enough to me to let loose an exaggerated cough and wave their hand in front of their face. They were looking for something that they could take offense to, and I just couldn’t figure it out.
I worked with a waitress who volunteered at a school for mentally challenged children. Now, when you work as a cook in an extremely busy kitchen, it is common practice to have an arsenal of swears to let loose. It’s the only way to quell the steadfast rage that matures within your pitiful soul. Anyway, moving on, I once spewed out a random cuss, something along the lines of “sweltering retards” or something. Well, in comes the hero, Ms. Sensitive Sally, to point out my ignorance. She quickly worked in her world-altering volunteer service to assert her superiority, “Did you say retard?! I work for a school for the mentally challenged! I find that highly offensive!” To which I had a response, “The fact that you instantly relate that term to the mentally challenged children you work alongside proves your own ignorance. The forefront definition of ‘retard’ is to hinder, impede, or delay, but it instantly brought to mind ‘the children you so love’ as soon as it left my mouth. What does that say about you?” (Alright, my real response wasn’t that well thought out. I think my real response was more like, “Fuck you! You think fuckin’ retard means retard? Well, fuck, you are ignorant! Get out of the kitchen, you harlot!” or something).
That fact of the matter is that people choose to be offended by words when in facts that’s all they are… words. The fact that you instantly relate yourself to a derogatory term says a lot about your self-esteem.
Ah! Words! I think I see a few in there that I can take out of context!
Anyway, are any of you still following me because I’m pretty sure I have no idea what I’m talking about anymore. So, that’s my cue to end it here, then. I’m sure you guys will have an argument that will tear apart my biased rant. I’m a white man in America, so I don’t face too many injustices. Damn, I wish I had more to complain about! I’m such a hypocrite.