Friday, June 8, 2012

Fifty Bales of Hay


A 50 Shades of Grey fan fiction. If you don't know what 50 Shades of Grey is, read A Beer for the Shower's Fifty Shades of Terrible. That's where I learned the essential plot of the book.

He thrust the barn doors open.  He removed his straw hat and flung it on the hanger with fluidity, revealing the coarse patches of hair atop his flawlessly globular head. The straps of his jean overalls could barely withstand the might of his luscious man boobs. He’d bought me off a neighboring rancher once I had come of age. I was his to do as he pleased. So far, he’s been keeping me fenced in, forcing me to sift around in my own manure. I can’t say that I minded; it just made be reflect more upon the other sexual perversions he had in store.

I was plump and ready to explode, and he was certainly the man for the job. He dragged a strange piece of equipment over the dehydrated grass that littered the splintering floorboards. With each confident stride he made, a quiver reverberated through from my spine down to my overflowing udder. I was so distracted by thoughts of his forceful nature that I hadn’t noticed he was face to face with me, casting a looming shadow over my innocence. I was so overcome with surprise that a feeble moooo escaped me.

He knelt down behind me as I stared down at the forest of hair cultivating his perspiring back. I quickly averted my gaze lest the sexual tension should cause my udder to prematurely erupt. He reached for a pail of soapy water and began cleansing my virgin teats. I closed my eyes and thought of anything that would bar the flood gates just a little longer. He ditched the pail and reached for a tube of thick, lucid glaze. The letters ‘V-A-S-E-L-I-N-E’ were printed on the side. He grabbed a glob of the stuff and gently began lubing my tender teats. M-m-moo, I couldn’t hold back the ecstasy deluging from my mouth. Moooooo. After an intense struggle, I managed to maintain my sanctity. That’s when he reached for that strange apparatus.

He turned to me revealing four dangling hoses from his hand. With a flip of a switch, the hoses stiffened and started emitting a sucking sound. A perverse smile extended from cheek to cheek. That’s when the farmer planted the hoses to all four of my teats at once. Milk started draining from my comforted udder. It was finally happening, the seal had been broken. Mooooooo!

My elation lasted through the entire experience. The farmer removed the hoses and went on his way. I was left feeling empty but… ironically satisfied.


Alright, who's got a boner? You think you felt awkward reading this? Then imagine what the woman sitting next to me on the train witnessing me write this felt.

Anyway, here's a funny video to compensate:

-This post has been submitted to Dude Write. I am participating in this week's Dude Write II. Check out the other submissions while you're there.

46 comments:

  1. Exceptional work. At first I thought the farmer was going sex up the cow, but I'm pleased that you showed more restraint than I would have.

    Can I request another fanfiction called 50 Males Of Gay? I'll leave the content to you.

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    1. Well, this post is already bordering beastiality, so I tried to think of a way to not quite cross that line.

      As for your story idea, I think it'll work well as a Brokeback Mountain fan fiction.

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  2. I am now very disturbed by your mind. If this had been a sheep I probably could not have read the whole thing. Nevertheless I give you two teats-up for creativity.

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    1. Why thank you. The first thought that crossed my mind when writing this was to use a sheep, but I'm sure people wouldn't appreciate that very much.

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  3. Was I the only one turned on by this...? yeah, I thought so.
    Epic story Chiz and brilliantly funny.

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    1. Well the woman sitting next to me on the train was practically drooling on my computer she was so enticed by this erotic fan fiction.

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  4. Riveting, from start to finish! It's obviously destined for the NY Times Bestsellers List!

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    1. With the success of Fifty Shades of Grey, I don't know how the critics can look this over!

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  5. So was the farmer a cowboy astronaut millionaire? I sure hope so. This story was so erotic it made me wish I had udders.

    Oh, and thanks for the shout out, even if it's under such terrible circumstances as this book.

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    1. Wow, thanks to your comment I reread my post and realized I spelled 'udder' and 'pail' wrong. Sheesh I have to work on my writing.

      And you are most certainly welcome for the shoutout. That post of yours is where I learned the basic plot of the book.

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  6. Milking? Milking? Are you kidding me? I think I crossed the upchuck stage of 50 Shades a week or so ago, but this took it to new ahem, heights.

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    1. I know. It's so erotic that it almost made me puke with ecstacy as well.

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  7. I like milk less than ever, but Selena Gomez...I can tolerate her now.

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    1. I thought this would've enhanced everyone's milk drinking experience. Also, I've never heard any of her songs, so I didn't really have a reason to hate her except for the fact that she makes millions at the age of 12 or whatever she is.

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  8. Damn Chiz, I've tried twice to comment and I can't say anything without sounding like a pervert. This might just be one of those times I should keep my mouth shut, haha.
    Very vivid and well told story though, Yea that's good enough, lolol.

    Happy Trails
    Shiels

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    1. Bah, I'm not easily offended so write to your heart's content. Besides, the post itself isn't exactly short of perversion. But, thanks for the compliment!

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    2. I know, I could easily say things if only you were reading it but there are a hundred followers and I would hate to ruin my angelic reputation, RIIGHT!!! Depending on my company, I can be as proper or raunchy as the occasion calls for. I've been around it all. From the youngest to the oldest, proper to redneck, I pretty much fit in with them all. That's why my kids think i'm so cool. The only characteristics I don't like are bullying and obnoxious. I so love the diversity in people. BUT this blog is not about me, duh.

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    3. Haha, well that is very kind of you to look out for others in any case. And, that is a great talent to have as there are some groups that I just can't click with.

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  9. Wow! It all happens at your house :) Ileft a little somehting on my blog for you http://troghead.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/another-award-yay.html#axzz1xWDpPrnu

    Hope you like it.

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    1. I wish it happened at my house... I mean... never mind. And thanks for the award, Brian!

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  10. Holy Cow! My inner Goddess is swooning over your erotic tail, oops, tale, while my self conscious has strapped herself naked to the underside of your cow and is fervantly awaiting the farmer's next visit. Yeee haaawww!

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    1. It was difficult to write this in public as I was constantly forced to adjust my seating arrangement with all the train passengers sweating over my shoulder. Perhaps I should pitch this to a publisher?

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  11. I have now developed a strange cow fetish! I mean, I already liked cows for the steak and burgers, but now...man oh man!

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    1. If you're interesting in broadening your sexual desires, then feel free to pitch me the next animal you'd like to form an attraction to.

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  12. More of a sheep man myself, pig in a pinch, after reading kens post, the bigger ladies just don't do it for me. Awkward....

    WG

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    1. I read Ken's post, myself. Surely, he'd have more authority over me on the subject. Though, the bigger ladies give you something to hold on to.

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  13. This was very clever and fun and just a little bit disturbing :) Loved it!

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed my somewhat twisted tale. From reading reviews of 50 Shades of Grey, I'd say my version is slightly less twisted, unfortunately.

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  14. Replies
    1. Well, how 'bout you cool yourself down with a fresh glass of milk.

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  15. I'm speechless. And that's saying a lot since I never shut up. All I can do is applaud.

    *applauds*

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    1. Hahaha, thanks a lot! I'm speechless as well, realising how utterly insane I may be.

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  16. Replies
    1. Thanks a lot, Writer, Rinser, Repeater! Quite the name you have.

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  17. You don't even want to know how they semen test a bull! It involves a vibrator bigger than your arm. A sequel, maybe?

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    1. Maybe I'll do some research. That could be my next romantic short story.

      I know how they "milk" horses but not bulls. I can only imagine that it's more horrific.

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    2. As long as we're going *there* - check out semen collection of elephants on youtube lol

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    3. Oh, that'll definitely be the first thing I check out as soon as I get home.

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  18. Oh so glad there was no sexing up of the cow :) great story!!!!

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    1. Me too! Otherwise, I'd be forced to question my sexual orientation.

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  19. I'll never milk a cow the same way again....

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    1. I'm glad I've forever changed your outlook on milking cows!

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  20. Well, a logical next step is full blown erotic fiction!

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    1. I thought so, too. I better put a rush on it!

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  21. This was a lot of fun and so exciting! ;-) Great post - I loved it!

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed this enthralling, sexual thrill ride of wonderment!

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