Friday, June 29, 2012

Captain Post-It Reviews Applications

So, I've had a chance to review some of your applications listed below the previous post. Here's what I though of them:

I would totally be a side kick to Captain Post-It. My name would be the Post-It Kid and I would put Post-It notes back on the wall from whence they came. This would be a useful skill because it frees up the Captain to continue his glorious, and much needed heroic deeds.

Post-it Kid,
Interesting outlook, but I can’t risk having my following turn toward a cheaper alternative of sticking Post-Its back on varying surfaces. Unless you’re willing to forward 98% of the proceeds in my name, I simply can’t hire you.
I can see it now: 
-My Post-Its have been scattered by the forceful wind generated by the office ceiling fan! Call Captain Post-It immediately!
-Don’t bother! A conundrum such as this can easily be settled by the younger, and much cheaper, Post-It Kid!
-You’re right, Bill! Fuck Captain Post-It!
You see where this is heading?

You know mine already, PMT WOMAN!
Able to whinge in a pitch that only dolphins and canines can hear.
Able to wither away the gonads of any man with my "Oh no you didn't" stare.
Able to leap onto the most innocent of words and turn them into grounds for world war 3, for I am PMT WOMAN!
Not sure how all that would help as a side kick though.

PMT Woman,
I commend you on your extraordinary abilities. However, I’m afraid I must reject your application. There is too much of a chance that you’d take over the entire operation with your passive aggressive attitude and enriching vocabulary.
My abilities require me to be fervent and agile; however, one wrong move on my part has the prospect of triggering your uncontainable, and quite frankly, hazardous, superpowers.
It’s simply too risky for me. You’re far better suited to work on your own.

I would be Encouragement Boy! I have the ability to clap like a seal when I see something I approve of. I have a double-jointed neck which gives me a floppy head for excess nodding, and I have a very long tongue. Of course, I wouldn't do any actual fighting, but I'll always be on the sidelines, willing you on.

Encouragement Boy,
As astonishing as I find your supernatural abilities, I don’t like that you’re implying that I don’t already have a mass following of appreciative business men and women.
If you were around back in the winter of 1973 and you witnessed my unbelievable feat of preventing the unmentioned, unreported collapse of Post-It stock, you’d see just how popular I truly am.
My trailer home is nearly completely paid off! My child support is almost on time every month! I’m doing just fine!
Though, I might have a proposition for that tongue of yours.

I don't wanna be your side kick Captain Post-It but I do want to join the Captain Post-It club. I can dress up as a twelve year old boy and you could hang out with me! All famous Super-Heroes hang out with young children! (think Bibleman and Captain Tootsie!)

Don’t want to be my sidekick?! You must be out of your mind if you’re so willing to turn down the amazing feats of Captain Post-It!
But, that’s not to say that your idea is a bad one. Brilliant strategy to reach out to the young audiences, I must say. Plus, I have so much candy in my trailer that needs to be eaten before it goes bad.
As for Bibleman and Captain Tootsie, I think I’m far more relevant than a guy who wields a laser pointer and quotes Bible verses and that nerd who needs a variable-scoped rifle to take out an innocent bear.

A sidekick name? Uh, hm. How about... Femme Fountain Pen?
-Barb the French Bean

Femme Fountain Pen/Barb the French Bean,
I’m perplexed as to which name to address you by. Being a sidekick, you can only have one title. Only the hero can have multiple names (i.e. Batman, The Dark Knight).
Once you’ve figured out your identity, I need to know what your powers/abilities entail. I am assuming you carry around unlimited supplies of fountain pens? Or is it that you can secrete ink from your pores?
Though, you say you are French, which may increase my leverage with minorities.

Do you hire chimpanzees? I know one who might be perfect for the job.

Gorilla Bananas,
I am no good at changing poopy diapers or peeling bananas, so I’m not certain that this will work out. Plus, I am allergic to anything with opposable toes. Not so much allergic, as they freak me out. I can't afford to lose my lunch by sniffing poopy diapers and being touched be grabby feet while trying to right the wrongs in an office space.

So, I’ve weighed my options and the person I choose to be my sidekick is... *drum roll please*… Batman! Yes, Batman, you have read correctly. Though, you did not fill out an application, I feel that you are the most suitable to be by my side as I dispose of injustices one Post-It note at a time. If you read this, please report to my trailer park. My trailer is the one behind all the shrubberies, just before the second dumpster.

As for the rest of you, though you were not accepted as part of the Captain Post-It squad, I congratulate you on emitting a response from such a busy hero such as me. Perhaps you could put this on your future résumé?

Though, a shout-out is reserved for Addman who gave me this idea.


  1. I don't think you want Batman. He'll definitely take all the control away from you and he'll totally overshadow you. I couldn't restore power to the post-its or anything, I could only take them off, and put them back on. I would not be a cheap alternative. Though if I was I would cut you in on the profits.

    1. Ah, that Captain Post-It has got a few screws loose. I regret letting him take control of my blog for the week. I can never truly decipher what point he's trying to get across.

      I agree with your Batman statement, as well. Assuming he actually showed up to his trailer, he would completely take over the operation and unsuspectingly attract super villains.

  2. BATMAN?! He's a bigger girl than I am! No matter, I have joined forces with 'Tampon Woman' and 'Erectile Dysfunction man'. Together we shall RULE THE WORLD...or at least the toiletry counter at 'Boots.'

    1. You're probably better off with that trio. Captain Post-It was actually booked last night due to his involvement in a Ponzi scam.

      Though, Batman can be quite the woman at times. He can snap at the drop of a hat.

  3. I wold have just hired a rat. They look adorable when you dress them up.

    1. Perhaps you could be Madame Mammalian and her Rats in Rags.

  4. Whoever he is, this sidekick should be a raging alcoholic. It adds character. It adds a rich depth to the storyline. Also, people will be waiting for that brilliant moment when he sobers up and redeems himself. But he never does, and he slumps into a deep depression and drinks until his liver gives out. And the viewer is sad but understands, because life isn't fair.

    1. Hey do you want to write my novel for me?

  5. Cannot believe you turned down the services of PMT woman, Tampon Woman AND Erectile Dysfunction Man. Are you mad? Oh,yes you are, I forgot!
    Love this and can't believe I missed out on the previous blog. Damn! You are luring me back to your blog EVERY DAY!! I see your cunning plan now.

    1. Don't worry. A few people missed out on the last post. I probably should have posted it at a better hour.

      And, PMT Woman, Tampon Woman, and Erectile Dysfunction Man have powers that are too unstable for them to be present in a working environment. What if Erectile Dysfunction Man's boner pills initiative while I'm rescuing a preschool from a Post-It shortage? The child will never be able to wipe that image from their memory.

  6. I shall require a nice shrubbery...not too large. Sorry I missed all this gaiety at the time is was relevant...then again, was it ever??

    1. It was all over Trailer Park Weekly. Of course it was relevant.