We all have those conversation starters that shorten our breath and curse the gods for bequeathing this treacherous blight known as “speech” upon mankind. Here is a list of those conversation starters that set fire to my emotional fields of frolic:
5. What do you do for work?
It’s not that I’m ashamed of my job, but every time I answer this ridiculously redundant question, I get a variable of the same response: “Really? Your job shouldn’t exist.” Although, I completely agree, they usually express themselves in a passive aggressive tone. This starter came up frequently during the Occupy rallies. Since my company rents one, single floor of the Federal Reserve building, they automatically assume that I am a pawn in their conquest toward world domination; when in fact, we’re hardly affiliated with the bank. Anyway, before I get vastly off topic, onto the next starter.
4. About the money I owe you…
This one is likely on everyone’s list because they never have a clear-cut answer for you. Now, I let a lot of people borrow money because I believe in karma (It’s bound to come around to me someday, I know it). At any rate, it’s always the people who ironically have some source of income that start conversations this way, and to top it off, they always have the worst excuses: “Sorry bro, I spent it all at the strip-club last night.” “Sorry peppabroni, I’m saving up for the iPhone 37.” “Sorry brobalina, I accidentally dropped my wallet into the sun.”
3. Back in my day…
You can usually find this breed of starter swishing beneath the dentures of an ignorant, pissed off, 90 year old, fossil. “Back in my day, we didn’t complain about work. We just did what we needed to do.” Really, you old, decrepit skid mark? In your day, you could trip over a penny and put a down payment on a mansion. You also brushed your teeth with gasoline and polished your car with bundled up cigarette filters. Bah, just to be clear, there are only a select few who are actually this ignorant. Many elderly folk are really quite pleasant, respectful, and much smarter than I.
2. Can you stop by my office when you get a chance?
First off, whenever your boss says “when you get a chance,” it means right now. Why they never just come out and say it is beyond me. Secondly, they never actually tell you their motive. They never tell you what this private meeting is about. You could be getting a raise, or you could be getting shit-canned. Your boss could even be suggesting a sexual encounter which is why I believe this conversation starter should be considered grounds for a sexual harassment lawsuit. The worst part is when you ask them “what do you need to talk to me about?” they brush off the inquiry and simply reply, “I just need to talk to you in my office.” It’s like they’re trying to separate you from the safety of your co-workers that could easily interfere with the imminent rape that’s about to occur… or something.
1. Can you do me a favor?
This is by far the worst conversation starter because there is no way to escape this fate without looking like a bundle of douches. Furthermore, it’s never an easy task they have in store. You’d expect a “favor” to be along the lines of “can you grab me a pencil” or “do you have a tissue?” But, it’s never that simple. It’s more akin to “After you’ve finished toppling that third world terrorist organization with this spoon and toothpick, can you take that syringe filled with the souls of the damned and inject it into the core of the sun for me? Thanks, I’ll buy you some McDonalds tomorrow or something.” Although if they say, "can you do my a HUGE favor," you might as well kill yourself now because whatever awaits us in the afterlife is far less painful than the torture you are about to subject yourself to.
By the cock of Zeus, whatever happened to, “How are you doing today?”
Bonus convo starters:
Can you help me find my keys?
Does this look like Herpes?
Medium iced. 3 creams. 2 sugars.
I'm going to sound like a dick/ass/douche, but can you...