Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Traditional Children's Game Trials


How I ended up in the mess was beyond my comprehension. I was almost certain a majority of the LSD had left my system. Even so, I could've dismissed my current predicament as a post-hallucination if it weren't for the intense heat emitted by the lava that now coated the floors of my home. Somehow, the furniture in the house was unscathed, but I wasn't about the wait around to discover how long that would last. I looked over the rear of the couch and noticed that outside seemed safe enough. So, I began to plot out my exit strategy. I'll move from the couch to the coffee table; from there, I'll make a daring leap to the decorative couch by the mudroom. At that point I will formulate my next plan of action.
 Let the games begin.
I cautiously bridged the gap between myself and the coffee table. Beads of sweat perspired from my body leaving thick, sopping puddles in my socks and underpants, but I managed to secure myself upon the Ikea table. It was rickety as I had expected. I looked to the decorative couch near the entrance of the mudroom. Measuring the distance with my eyes, I'd say it was probably a good 700 yard leap, nothing I couldn't handle. I clawed the edge of the table and firmly planted my feet. 3... 2... 1... the stunt table Ikea coffee table exploded into 40 billion pieces or something as I careened through the hot, dense air. I crashed into the couch breaking one of the wooden legs. I held tight as the couch slowly began capsizing. Death seemed imminent, or so I thought when I saw an ottoman only 40 feet away. This was my only chance. Without a moment of hesitation (except for that second or so I thought about jumping), I pounced off the coach and grappled the ottoman with every single one of my limbs (I have 4 limbs). Luckily, the ottoman had wheels and it shot forward, leaving a small 45 miles gap between me and the door.

But, I had to act fast; it appeared as though the lava was rising. I looked about frantically for something to get me out of this jam. That’s when I noticed an umbrella hanging just within reach. Surely an umbrella could withstand the blazing, hot lava. I got a handle of the umbrella and began to use it as leverage to push the ottoman onward toward the front door. I appeared to be correct about the umbrella’s immunity to lava. I finally reach the door and fell forward onto my deck. It was finally over. I breathed a deep sigh of relief. I can’t believe I made it through that perilous situa—What’s that? It smells like something is… BURNING! I glanced backward and saw my shoe ablaze. I quickly batted the flame out and was instantly stricken with horror as I watched the lava seep beneath the doorway. I lifted myself up and sprinted for the street. I looked back over my shoulder and noticed the lava picking up speed. What was happening to me!? Quickly, I thought of my next plan. I’ll go to the water tower!

After sprinting for approximately 2 miles, I finally caught sight of the water tower. I began feeling a sense of relief as I was sure the water tower would be my safest bet. I looked back once more and noticed that I was keeping the lava at a safe distance. I focused my attention forward when I started to notice a gathering of children up ahead. Confused, I yelled for their assistance. Maybe they had some explanation about this apparent curse set upon me.  However, as I moved onward, the crowd of children began filing in a line. Interlinking their hands, they seemed to be forming some sort of barricade between me and the water tower. What on Earth were they doing?

“Red Rover!” I heard them shout. What were they talking abo—“RED ROVER!” they belted again. “Send that pale, scrawny kid over!” I look over my shoulder. Surely they couldn’t be talking to me, but to my dismay, they were. I had no choice; I had to press onward despite their attempts to prevent me from passing. I got closer and the shouts became louder “Red Rover! Red Rover! Send that pale, scrawny kid over!” This was it! All or nothing! I directed my entire chi into my chest, but it was to no avail, the sheer power of the children’s linked hands bested me. My ribs crashed against my lungs, forcing the life out of me. I lay on the ground gasping for air and helplessly watched the lava rapidly close the distance. That’s when world went black and I lost consciousness.
 To be continued…

34 comments:

  1. Damn that's tough luck. But what a way to go. Smothered in lava after being stopped by an army of children. I don't think I ever really played the game where the floor is lava myself.

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    1. But, is it the end for me? We'll see into the next installment of *echo* The Traditional Children's Game Trials-rials-ials-als.

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    2. Hey, you're the writer. You can have any ending you want, lol. Oh and I would so totally play the black-tiles-are-the-lava game at the mall. I like to be looney toons every so often. Its the ADD in me or that little devil that sits on my other shoulder.

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  2. Kids are so cruel...all that effort escaping death and the little idiots attempted to push you to the death!

    -Barb the French Bean

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    1. Indeed, don't they realize an old man like me can't take that sort of punishment anymore?

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  3. I can't tell you how much Red Rover injured me. It was an excuse for kids to "accidentally" rip my throat off.

    Now, I have to wait patiently for part two...

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    1. Yeah, I remember several instances of have the wind knocked out of me and spraining fingers. Definitely the most dangerous children's game out there.

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  4. Oh my god, stopped by the Children of the Corn!
    Will our hero regain consciousness and beat (quite literally) the spawns hell-bent on thwarting his escape? Will he ever reach the water tower, or be boiled alive by the hot molten lava?
    Find out and more, in the next adventure of 'The Traditional Children's Game Trials.'

    Can't bloody wait!

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    1. Haha, I read that whole comment in a goofy, exagerated, 1980s cartoon announcer voice complete with a trailing echo.

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    2. Wait, Lilly...aren't OUR children the newest "Children of the Corn"?

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  5. Oh boy, sounds deadly. Little kids are nightmares, you should've kicked them all in the teeth!

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    1. Why I never thought to bend the rules and fly in with a drop kick is beyond me. Maybe then I would've stood a chance.

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  6. I used to do this all the time as a kid. Stepping on the lava was instant death, so I'd throw coasters all over the floor and use them as stepping stones. I could go for a game of Lava Dash right about now...

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    1. I used the coasters too! You just have to be wary of slipping, you could easily catch your head on the corner of a table or, even worse, end up in the lava.

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  7. I used to looove playing don't-touch-the-lava. I still would if I wasn't now 6-foot, clumsy as fuck, ungainly, and stupid. I have further to fall now, and hit the ground - I mean, lava - much harder :(

    I know this, because I've tried.

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    1. I'm not beyond playing the black-tiles-are-lava game int he mall. Although, it's quite embarassing as my girlfriend trails about 40 feet behind me and I look like a looney toon.

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  8. I have an award for you on my blog!

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    1. Awesome! I'll go check it out right now. Thanks!

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  9. ROFLMAO, I don't think the LSD has left your system yet.
    To be continued? Really? How mean.... :)

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    1. I was fastly gaining on 1000 words, so I decided to leave you with a cliffhanger. Don't worry, the epic conclusion with be aired tomorrow... or Friday.

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  10. Man,I hate cliffhangers. Can't hardly wait wondering if you make it.

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    1. Haha, I'm sorry. The post was getting a bit long so I decided I'd just make it a 2-parter.

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  11. You don't want to direct your entire chi into one area. It's dangerous, mkay. That's how people levitate, and then go crazy. Damn, I am out of cookies. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, your heart cold have exploded. Before you try that again, tell me where I can get LSD. I thought they stopped making that in the 90s.

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    1. Bah, that's probably why I blacked out. Too much stress in one area. And, you can get LSD at a variety of places. Military testing compounds, trailer parks, and I'm pretty sure my elderly neighbor makes the stuff.

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  12. That's why I live in a magical fortress of couch cushions, couch cushions are allergic to lava.

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    1. I used to have 3 couches and a bowl shaped chair in my basement. Let's just say that there was never a time I felt safer.

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  13. I hate cliffhangers! I won't rest until I see you draw the blood of a child. What's a good payback for Red Rover? Atomic wedgies?

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    1. Hmm... Good question. I'll find out after work when I rush the ending. I think I have a vague idea.

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  14. I think you are completely mad and obviously still under the very dangerous influence of class A drugs. Lava? Red Rover? But am waiting for tomorrow's instalment with rather too much enthusiam ... hmm what does that say about me? Perhaps I should stop the little blue pills ...

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    1. You should have taken the red pill. Haha, but you'll be dismayed to discover that the next installment is to be continued as well.

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  15. Great post. As a first time reader, I must admit to wonder what type of madness this was, but then realizing that you were no more mad than the rest of us. Looking forward to reading the conclusion!

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    1. That is exactly why I feel safe posting my insanity on this blog, because I know my readers are just as crazy.

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  16. Such heartless children keeping you from the safety of the water tower!

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    1. The lava was just as unforgiving.

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