So I was babysitting my neighbor’s kid a while back. He was prancing around the room with his toy kaleidoscope, giggling like a little jerk. He was gazing into the device and mockingly waving it in my face. That son of a bitch knew I was curious about what wonderments bless the confines of that silly mechanism. Finally, I had enough. I darted from the coach and charged him at full force. I lowered my shoulder into him as he careened into a pile of toys I TOLD HIM TO PUT AWAY, and I snatched the kaleidoscope away to see what the big fuss was about.
I somehow find, you and I, kaleid...oscope.
It was so much better than I had imagined. The colors mirrored off one another and battled for dominion for which my eyes to gaze upon or something. Back and forth I twisted the kaleidoscope, revealing unexplainable wonder. If it wasn’t for the overcooked chicken potpie that was setting the house ablaze, I would’ve never averted my attention from this curious contraption. After I stomped out the fired and threw away the charred curtains, I returned and continued my adventure.
After approximately three more hours, I started to notice the colors and triangular shapes were forming what appeared to be some sort of map. I slightly adjusted the filter until it couldn’t be any clearer… it was a map of the house.
I drew out the map on a piece of notebook paper and studied it for a moment. It first led me to the parents’ room. Inside the closet, the map depicted what appeared to be a small door and man standing before it donning lingerie. I assumed the figure was meant to be me. So without hesitation, I scoured the room in order to find the most appealing lingerie. After I had dressed myself in the most slimming lingerie, I approached the door. There was a cliff note on the map that said I must knock in rhythm with the Brady Bunch theme song. Upon doing so, a stout man with a great, big, bushy beard unhinged the door. He looked me up and down and nodded in approval. With a flick of his wrist, he urged me to follow.
Every once of heterosexuality I had is now gone.
Down a cramped corridor I crawled. At the end of the tunnel glowed a yellow hue. My curiosity was aroused and apparently my penis too. Closer and closer we got to the warm glow of the mysterious beyond. Finally, I emerged into a room larger than any I’d ever seen. Every ounce of floor space was covered in gold doubloons and TGI Friday’s gift cards. I couldn’t hold back the tears that flooded forth. Saying it was beautiful would be an understatement. That’s when I heard the footsteps. I furiously looked about but saw nothing. I decided to leave the riches to return to later, when the coast was clear.
I reached the top of the tunnel. I could hear voices just outside the closet. I fastened my lingerie for what I assumed to be an epic battle of even epic-er proportions. I started the countdown. 3…2…1… I burst forth from the closet in a fit of rage. I tackled the two intruders to the floor. What is it you’re after? I shouted. I think this was about the time the LSD started to wear off as the intruders started to look more and more like my neighbors.
It took some time for them to calm me down, but after the hallucinogenic drugs wore off, they allowed me to leave. They even let me keep the lingerie! Unfortunately, they never hired me to babysit again.
P.S. I am out of creativeness. Work is getting the better of me at the moment. I'll try harder in the future.