Tuesday, May 8, 2012

The Secret Kaleidoscope


So I was babysitting my neighbor’s kid a while back. He was prancing around the room with his toy kaleidoscope, giggling like a little jerk. He was gazing into the device and mockingly waving it in my face. That son of a bitch knew I was curious about what wonderments bless the confines of that silly mechanism. Finally, I had enough. I darted from the coach and charged him at full force. I lowered my shoulder into him as he careened into a pile of toys I TOLD HIM TO PUT AWAY, and I snatched the kaleidoscope away to see what the big fuss was about.
I somehow find, you and I, kaleid...oscope.
It was so much better than I had imagined. The colors mirrored off one another and battled for dominion for which my eyes to gaze upon or something. Back and forth I twisted the kaleidoscope, revealing unexplainable wonder. If it wasn’t for the overcooked chicken potpie that was setting the house ablaze, I would’ve never averted my attention from this curious contraption. After I stomped out the fired and threw away the charred curtains, I returned and continued my adventure.

 After approximately three more hours, I started to notice the colors and triangular shapes were forming what appeared to be some sort of map. I slightly adjusted the filter until it couldn’t be any clearer… it was a map of the house.

I drew out the map on a piece of notebook paper and studied it for a moment. It first led me to the parents’ room. Inside the closet, the map depicted what appeared to be a small door and man standing before it donning lingerie. I assumed the figure was meant to be me. So without hesitation, I scoured the room in order to find the most appealing lingerie. After I had dressed myself in the most slimming lingerie, I approached the door. There was a cliff note on the map that said I must knock in rhythm with the Brady Bunch theme song. Upon doing so, a stout man with a great, big, bushy beard unhinged the door. He looked me up and down and nodded in approval. With a flick of his wrist, he urged me to follow.
Every once of heterosexuality I had is now gone.
Down a cramped corridor I crawled. At the end of the tunnel glowed a yellow hue. My curiosity was aroused and apparently my penis too. Closer and closer we got to the warm glow of the mysterious beyond. Finally, I emerged into a room larger than any I’d ever seen. Every ounce of floor space was covered in gold doubloons and TGI Friday’s gift cards. I couldn’t hold back the tears that flooded forth. Saying it was beautiful would be an understatement. That’s when I heard the footsteps. I furiously looked about but saw nothing. I decided to leave the riches to return to later, when the coast was clear.

I reached the top of the tunnel. I could hear voices just outside the closet. I fastened my lingerie for what I assumed to be an epic battle of even epic-er proportions. I started the countdown. 3…2…1… I burst forth from the closet in a fit of rage. I tackled the two intruders to the floor. What is it you’re after? I shouted. I think this was about the time the LSD started to wear off as the intruders started to look more and more like my neighbors.

It took some time for them to calm me down, but after the hallucinogenic drugs wore off, they allowed me to leave. They even let me keep the lingerie! Unfortunately, they never hired me to babysit again.

P.S. I am out of creativeness. Work is getting the better of me at the moment. I'll try harder in the future.

40 comments:

  1. I told you that LSD was responsible for your A-Z posts...and apparently much more that even I could not conceive. Did you take the lead from my last comment?? If so I will only take a quarter credit...since you took it waaaay out there. I give it two thumbs up though.

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    1. I actually had no idea where I was going with this post (as is usually the case). I wrestled between shrooms and acid, but did a 180 and landed on LSD. You may have 2 quarters of the credit which I think is like a third or something.

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  2. I thought this was still very creative. I do now wonder what it would be like to look through a kaleidoscope while on drugs. It's trippy enough to do it while sober. I miss kaleidoscopes.

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    1. I wish I could find one. The only ones I stumble upon are the ones made of cardboard and Elmer's paste and disintegrate on contact.

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    2. I have seen them from time to time still in Memphis in some novelty stores. Some are made of hard cardboard (meaning they don't disintegrate) and pretty nice and another one made of gold plated metal. I wasn't looking for them but stumbled across while shopping for something else. I actually do think they are pretty awesome to look through even while not tripping on something.

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    3. Gold plated? Damn, that sounds fancy. Is the inside made up of diamonds reflecting off one another?

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    4. Haha, funny. Possibly because i think it was in a novelty store for the person that has everything. jk it was probably just colored stones reflecting off each other. Same difference though,lol. You're so twisted.

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    5. I must find this kaleidoscope. If any kaleidoscope can unlock hidden treasures, it is surely this man's.

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  3. Wasn't there a girl with kaleidoscope eyes that the fab 4 talked about?! So many people, incorrectly, thought that song referred to LSD. But still. Funny you should mention kaleidoscope and LSD in the same post. Sorry. I often see Beatles references where none really exist. Entertaining story. :)

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    1. Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds? I didn't even think of that. Great catch! Now I feel like I'm somewhat clever even though that was not the intention.

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    2. Your cleverness seeps out without even willing it! :)

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    3. Yes, maybe there is some remnants of creativity lodged somewhere in the depths of my mind.

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  4. TGI FRIDAY'S GIFT CARDS??!!

    this is the sexiest story i have ever read! damn. i'm going to have to take about three cold showers tonight to cool off...

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    1. Yep, it was pretty much a lifetime supply of green bean fries and those funky dumpling things. Ah, I must stop; I'm torturing myself.

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  5. Dammit man! Whatever you're on, I want some!!
    Though Chiz in lingerie, hmmmm...I'm I the only one who finds the image strangely erotic?...okay, just me then...

    And this was still a creative and funny post.

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    1. I could've totally been the poster man for Victor's Secret. It's not out of the question to be somewhat aroused by that mental image.

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  6. This is exactly why I stuck to meth, and am glad my parents were to poor to buy me toys. White people are so weird.

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    1. Ya meth is more internal and relies less on visual aid...? I just made that up. And, white people are strange creatures indeed.

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  7. OMG, I'm so LMAO at this. Although the thought of you in ANY underwear is strangely erotic, I'm glad to know it was just a figment of your drug-induced imagination. Where is the LSD when you need it? As an aside, I think meth is good for anything that ails you, except sleep. baahaha

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    1. Well my hair really bothers me sometimes, so I'm thinking meth is the best solution. And, although I can't fill out a bra very well, I can wear the shit out of a thong.

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    2. Gel the hair, stuff tissue in the cup and wear that thong proudly, lol.

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    3. Oh, nice. I'll gladly carry out that input.

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  8. As for the kaleidoscope, when you got to the secret map I was thinking "I've never seen one of those in any Kaleidoscopes I've looked into" so I continued to read. *still lmao*

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    1. I think around the time I launched the child into a pile of sharp-edged toys is when the LSD started kicking in.

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  9. wait, you were on drugs? so that stuff isn't normal if your not on drugs? I'm screwed...

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    1. Hmm... Maybe if you take drugs you'll be able to get rid of these hallucinations. I wonder...

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  10. I just knew that cross dressing would unlock the path to a secret kingdom! Nobody would believe me!

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    1. I've equipped my wardorbe with all of the necessities if you are ready to explore the unknown with me.

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  11. You are going to make such a good parent. In this story alone, the kid learned to put away his toys, to share, and the joys of exploration. Or something like that.

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    1. The key is to teach them these lessons while they are young. That way they can compose themselves as well as I.

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  12. Oh my God, every time I come to your blog I need to put my incontinence panties on! Do you know how dangerous it is to laugh uncontrollably when you've had TWO KIDS?! No, I thought not. Damned selfish of you. Now I have to change clothes at work ... they already think I'm weird with giggling all the time to myself. Thanks Chiz - I may get the sack and it will all be your fault!

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    1. Just show your boss my blog and surely he'll understa--Ah, maybe you ought not. Anyway, I'm glad you found it funny because I literally just winged this one (which what I normally do anyway).

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  13. Oh let me count the ways in which I LOVE this wildly creative post! It was like reading a modern-day version of Alice in Wonderland. Chiz in Wonderland! :D You managed to create some fabulous visuals here. I could picture each scenario so easily...although some I tried really hard not to. :-o

    I'll admit that it concerns me that I can so readily understand this post. It's so damn nice to learn I'm not the only blogger out there who's blissfully looney tunes. LOL

    Thanks for the great entertainment!

    --Susan

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    1. Awesome, I'm learning that more and more bloggers are just as bonkers as I. I'm glad you enjoyed my scantily clad venture through my neighbor's house.

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  14. Haha at first I was gonna say "shrooms" but LSD makes more sense.

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    1. I was thinking 'shrooms, but I decided to go with something a bit more extreme.

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  15. hahahHAHAHAHAH. oh god, oh god. This was hilarious. I'm so glad that theres another person out there who is genuienly bonkers!! Cross dressing show be an art, in my opinion. And you seemed to pull it off pretty well!

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    1. Yeah, I had a lot of mobility in the lingerie too, surprisingly. If I ever enter the show Ninja Warrior, I'm no doubt wearing lingerie.

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  16. I have grabbed many a kaleidoscope out of a child's hands but it is so much funnier when you do it!

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    1. All you need is imagination and maybe a little LSD, and you can have the same experience.

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