Friday, May 11, 2012

The Problem with Business Attire

I've already touched upon the inhumane ritual of tie-wearing: Origin of the Tie. However, today I'm going to address business attire as a whole and discuss the damaging social effects it has on the wearer.

If you’ve ever been to an industrial area in the city, have you ever noticed that not every person in business attire is a dick, but everyone’s who’s a dick is dressed in business attire? No? Well, that’s how I feel anyway.
"I'm a unique individual." "Me too!" "Yeah, what he said."
Moving on; why is it that company’s force us to dress in attire that emits an aura of copious bags of douche? It’s not even a fact of what I prefer anymore; this style of clothing has a reflection on the company. Say I become a business man one day, when I walk into the office as a potential client, what part about strangulating shirt collars and fashionable nooses is supposed to be appealing to me? Who was the guy who decided this is the model of success? Because I for one think it’s a perfect model for self-mutilation. I’d rather see everyone in comfortable attire: something that will allow them more mobility to wrestle the bullshit flying at them day in and day out.

More so, when someone bumps in to me on the street whilst donning normal, loose-fitting clothes, I let it fly. They’re probably touring the city and are too preoccupied with admiring the skyscrapers to notice me in front of them. I can’t get mad at them for that. But, say a man in business attire does so much as graze my shirt sleeve, it’s: “Oh, it figures it would be a snooty business man! Ooo, look at me! I have important things to do like send faxes and arrange bagels in the break room! Was I walking too slow for you, you fuck?!” When the reality of the situation is that the man probably had to rush to the store before work to buy his daughter a stuffed animal or something. But, that doesn’t dawn on me as I’m already charging him on all-fours in a blind fit of rage.
This is Chad. He donates 10% of every check to charity.
That doesn't alter the fact that you want to punch him square in the face.

Admit it. You see a man in a business suit in the city getting his shoes shined while reading a newspaper; don’t you just get this intense urge to rip the newspaper out of his hands with your teeth and tear it to shreds like a rabid platypus? No? So, it’s just me again I see. Anyway, that’s how I feel. I see a man in business attire and automatically assume he’s a dick. That’s why I feel I never get thanked for holding a door open; people automatically think I’m going to slam the door behind me. They don’t have time to work a “thanks” through their lungs in time.

I suppose none of this makes sense since I’m not a businessman, but I’m forced to wear the same snobby clothing. I don’t think there’s a point to this post, but then again, I’m writing this while having the shakes and cold sweats due to lack of nutrition or something stupid and unimportant. Man, I hate being employed!

P.S. Sorry. Still suffering for writer’s block. I’m just pulling this out of my ass as if it wasn’t noticeable enough.

And, since this post wasn't really funny:

23 comments:

  1. Well you're right that I do want to punch Chad in the face. He seems like a huge dick. So do most people in business attire. However if I had a suit I think I would wear it as every day clothes.

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    1. They're nice to wear at certain fanciful affairs, but I just can't stand the feeling of not being able to freely move. I basically just want to wipe my dirty hands on some jeans or something.

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  2. I'm trying very hard not to laugh at that last picture. And yes, I do want to punch Chad in the face. Smug much?

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    1. Nice, that's why I included the picture. My post needs some comedy. And, Chad is a dick despite his charitable donations.

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    2. I was kind of picturing David Boreanz saying that to me, LOL. Yes, I have an active imagination ;)

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  3. First, I thought I recognized that smell and second, no worries about being a business man...not gonna happen.

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    1. Yeah, I definitely don't have a businessman mentality. My dickiness can only stretch so far...?

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  4. I see a man in a business suit, and I think of power. This lady likes power. This lady also spends a long time getting dressed every morning. If I put that much effort into my appearance, so should a man.

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    1. Bah, I don't care about power. I just want a job that I'm comfortable with and enjoy.

      Also, I suppose it does make sense to dress up, but I'd rather everyone just stop caring so we can all dress confortably.

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  5. I used to dress like a noose-monkey. Now I get to wear what I want to work!

    No, I'm not a stripper. I work in the charity sector. No, that's not a euphemism for a non-fee stripper. You guys disgust me!

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    1. Noose-monkey. I'm going to use that from now on.

      And, does your "company" delivery internationally?

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  6. I'm not a big fan of business attire either. I always think of someone with a complete lack of humor. And sadly, it's often true. I can't say I ever want a job where a full suit is required. I don't even want a job where pants are required, but hey, I realize that one might not happen.

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    1. Uh there ARE jobs where no pants are required...just sayin, lol.

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    2. Bah, I'll discover a way to work from home someday... someday.

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  7. I love a man in jeans and a shirt, unbuttoned at top with rolled up sleeves to the elbows. Now that's sexy. I also like to see a man in nice slacks and shirt with a tie (no jacket). Thats sexy. I'm sorry you were talking about business attire weren't you? oops.

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    1. Haha, any attire is up for discussion at this point. I don't mind wearing the button down shirt. It's the bladder crushing pants and noose that really get to me.

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    2. LOL, NO attire and no noose required, haha.

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  8. Chiz, I ALWAYS say thank you when someone holds the door for me cuz I'm a southern lady.

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    1. That's good. That is probably my biggest pet peeve next to basically every aspect of driving.

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  9. And this is another reason why I love my job - no sodding suits! Love the 'Casual Homer' dress attire at work in the States. Chad looks like such a smug bastard!

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    1. Exactly, I did have to look hard to pick that photo our of google search. Also, I someday aspire to have a 'Casual Homer' dress code.

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  10. "copius amounts of douche"! I just call it "douchery" but your phrase is so much better. You are hilarious!

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    1. Haha, I've heard various forms of the word douche so I was nervous that I might be plagiarizing someone.

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