The following are awards I received from bloggers that are way better writers than I:
Jeremy at Geeky Tendencies and
Chuck at Apocalypse Now:
Awarded by Laura at My Baffling Brain:
I was challenged by Blondie McBaffled to complete a set of 11 questions she provided me. Since I don't take well to defeat, I decided to complete her challenge.
1. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
I would be a golden retriever for sure because every house a golden retriever resides in is pristine and lavish. I've never met a poor, hillbilly bumpkin who owns a retriever. Retriever owners are usually rich and arrogant, but most important of all, they have a pool. Also, with the arrogance that accompanies their wealth, they're going to make sure I outshine the other peasant dogs in the neighborhood. That means baths and brushes every day. Oh, and I don't have to work, and I can sleep all day.
2. If you could have any super power you wanted, what would it be and how would you use it?
I want to control time. Say some hot stranger is talking to me. Moments after she leaves, my friend comes over to me and says, "That girl was hitting on you. Are you a fucking retard?" Instead of wallowing in regret, I can simply reverse time and pick up on her obscure form of flirting. Then again, if I could control time, I'd be the wealthiest man alive and wouldn't need to worry about such things.
3. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life but you could chose what it would be, what food would you choose?
Bacon. Without a doubt. You can feed me some dude's dick, and as long as it's wrapped in bacon, I'll gladly wrap my mouth around it. Wow, that just got weird. It sucks because no one ever cooks enough bacon for me to be satisfied. They always ask the stupid question, "Do you want bacon?" and when I nod my head; they slap two slivers on my plate because they only cooked like ten pieces for five people. Amateurs.
4. What's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten or put in your mouth?
Funny that this question came up right after I was talking about sucking dick. But truthfully, the strangest thing I used to do when I was younger was chew on tinfoil and tiny pebbles. I liked the taste of tinfoil and enjoyed crushing the pebbles between my teeth. Dentists always blame my cavities on my lack of flossing, but I know the real reason.
5. If a movie was made about your life, which actor/actress would play you?
Although Paul Giamatti is my favorite actor, I'd say the characters that Michael Cera plays would be a perfect representation of my younger self. As I am now, basically any character can capture my personality, but Michael Cera can probably represent my extreme awkwardness as a child the best. I was very soft spoken and oblivious.
6. Name at least three of your pet peeves or quirks.
a) I lose consciousness every time I witness someone not use their blinker, whether they cut me off or are 40 miles ahead of me.
b) This usually occurs in sitcoms, but I dislike when a show/movie drags on a joke for an awkwardly long time. They say, "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah," when it should have ended at "blah blah blah." Know what I mean?
c) TMZ Magazine and how it has a show.
7. What was your first kiss experience? (How old, where, open or close mouthed, etc.)
Well I don't know if it should count because she was passed out from the roofies I slipped into her drink. So, my real first kiss was outside a Middle School basketball game in the parking lot. No tongue was used, I was somewhat loose-lipped, and I'm pretty sure I had a chubby. It was surprisingly lame.
8. If you could have a get out of jail free card to beat the shit out of anyone in the world, who would you use it on and why?
Without a doubt, Bill Maher. Besides none of his jokes being funny and having a ridiculously punchable face, I despise this man for his lackadaisical, half-hearted attempts at racy, political jokes that actually make news headlines. "But Mitt, we have a picture of you giving money to a homeless person... I did NOT give a bum money! I was paying him to blow me!" Sorry if you find this guy funny, but I just don't see it.
9. What's the naughtiest thing you ever did as a kid and do your parents know you did it?
I live near a junk lot, and when I was younger, my friends and I would always sneak onto the property and steal the car ornaments and decals. The owners had some very unfriendly Rottweilers and would release them if they spotted us. Luckily the dogs were loud enough for us to tell when they were released, giving us enough time to hop back over the rock wall. Once in a while they would chase us in a truck if they were bored enough, but by the time they reached us, we were already close enough to the woods for them to not give a fuck anymore.
10. What's the worst pickup line you've ever heard or used?
"Hi, my name is Chiz."
11. What's the best pickup line you've ever heard or used, and did it work?
"Hi, my name is Steve." It didn't work nearly as well as I'd hoped. I've never actually used a pickup line. I usually just engage the other in conversation.
And, now for 11 random things about myself:
1. My favorite band is The Dear Hunter, and I’m a big fan of concept albums. My biggest guilty pleasure is the album Razia’s Shadow by Forgive Durden (sounds like a Disney musical). My favorite genres consist of all varieties of rock and metal, but I can tolerate all music, as long as it’s not country.
2. I watch a handful of anime usually consisting of action, psychological thrillers, or comedies (it’s difficult to find any that are actually funny, though). If I had to list some of my favorites, they would be Paranoia Agent, Golden Boy, Cromartie High, Samurai Champloo, and Bleach (too lazy to think of more). I am currently reading the Bleach manga at the moment since the series ended.
3. I managed to write, direct, and perform in a one-act play entitled Cinnamon Toaster Strudel that had a massive audience of like 20 people or something.
4. When I use a porta-potty, I like to unravel a little toilet paper, roll it into a ball, toss it in the toilet, and pee all over it.
5. I’ve got about 40 minutes of a Screenplay written, but decided to stop when I noticed that it had the same exact plot as the movie, 21 Jump Street. It had the genius title of Under Wraps.
6. I’m actually not too bad at drawing despite the pictures you’ve seen on my blog. I’m no Picasso, but I can draw the shit out of a goofy looking bird.
7. I’m in the process of writing a novel. It’s going horrible, but I think it’s a unique concept as long as I can finish the damn thing before I die. It’s somewhat of a sci-fi/dystopian future novel. I figure the dystopian genre will be the trend following vampires, so why not jump on that bandwagon? I don’t want to reveal too much, but it contains aliens, reanimated minions, and war. That give you a hard-on or what?
8. I didn’t learn how to efficiently wipe my ass until I saw Tenacious D and The Pick of Destiny.
9. I once gave $20 to a homeless dude. He wanted to know my address so he could hopefully pay me back some day. I didn’t give him my address.
10. I was big into urban exploration when I was younger. I covered everything from abandoned insane asylums (my favorite) and hospitals to theme parks and schools.
11. I once had sex outside… on a rock… with a very promiscuous girl… without wearing protection. I was later covered in an itchy, red breakout around my private area. I got tested later to find out it was poison ivy and that I was STD free. Wear protection, kids.
12. BONUS: No one will sit next to me on the train because the sunburn on my face makes it look like I have leprosy.
Wow, that was actually difficult. Who the hell am I?!
Alright. If you couldn't tell by all the ignorant comments I leave about myself on your blogs, I love to talk about myself. So, now that this is out of the way, I'll hopefully be back tomorrow with a regular post.