Monday, April 30, 2012

Z is for Zodiac Horoscopes


Aries (March 21 – April 21)

Do not go swimming today; there’s a man-eating shark on the coast. Do not go to work today; a disgruntled employee is still pissed at you for taking a dump on his keyboard. Do not mow the lawn; there are snakes and spiders out there. In fact, it is better that you stay inside and play video games while munching on Cheetos.

Taurus (April 22 – May 21)

Today you will befriend a stranger. His name will be Chiz, and it is vital that you hand this man two thousand dollars in cash. Neither check nor credit will be acceptable. Failure to do so will result in the cancelation of you Good Housekeeping subscription.

Gemini (May 22 – June 22)

Your day will be filled with lively wonderment as the Discovery channel allows you to intake precious knowledge that you would otherwise let pass should you vacate the couch and venture out into the wilderness. It is important that you immediately go to the corner store and purchase a bag of Doritos in preparation.

Cancer (June 22 – July 21/22)
You will lock yourself out of your home, but fear not. The locksmith who will come to your aid will be super hot, and although you’ll stand no chance with him or her, you will be able to gaze upon his or her bodacious booty. Unfortunately, you may be discovered through carelessness and slapped with a restraining order, $350 fine, and sexual predator documentation or something.

Leo (July 22 – August 22)
You’re just plain awesome. Awesome stuff will happen to you all day as you bask in the awesomeness of your awesome. Everyone will want to hang out with you because you’re so awesome, but they won’t because they’re jealous of your awesomeness. That’s the only explanation.

Virgo (August 23 – September 21)      
          
You will receive the grade of the chemistry test you handed in last week. Seeing as you were still drunk from the night before, you will have failed the test and offer sexual favors in exchange for a higher grade. Unfortunately, your professor is a eunuch and will report your lewd suggestions to authorities leading to a restraining order and F in the course.

Libra (September 21 – October 21)

By the time you read this, you will have already discovered the dead hooker in your bed. It is important not to panic and to take the day in strides. Consult Google for further assistance as you are the only one left that you can trust. Good luck.

Scorpio (October 21 – November 22)

It was not the man you accuse. Chiz did not eat the remainder of your Hot Pockets. He also did not clog the toilet. The man you seek is that other friend of yours, Billy. He is the one that is lying to you, not Chiz. Please forgive Chiz for all the hurtful things you said to him, and give him $20 for pizza and beer.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)

You’re thinking of writing a Facebook status made up purely of country music lyrics. I suggest it a bad idea that you plague your friend’s otherwise useless news feed with further filth. In fact, updating your status with anything other than something funny or life changing is a crime against humanity.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Bah! Bah, Bah-eh-eh. Bah baaah bah baaaah. Bah-eh-eh-eh. Phhh. Bah baaah bah bah bah bah. Bah! Baaah baah beh beh beh, buh bah bah! Bah baaah bah baaaah. Phh. Bah bleh bahahahah. Beh-eh-eh-eh-eh. Bah baaaah! Bah bah bah. Also, your Christmas and birthday presents will be combined. I’m sorry.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Stand at the corner of 8th and Burrow, and give the man that shows up at promptly 4:23pm a back massage. He will not pay you for your services. However, he will bestow upon you good luck with his magic fairy dust that will look like dandruff, but rest assured, it’s fairy dust.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

I’m out of steam. Here’s a cute puppy:

MISSION: COMPLETE

26 comments:

  1. So I'm guessing you're a Leo? LOL

    I am a Sagittarius and I post funny stuff to my status almost exclusively. It was the comments I received that actually fueled me to write my blog. No crying in your beer about your wife leavin' and dog running away from THIS gal!

    Great post. I particularly like the Libra and Pisces horoscopes and OMG the Capricorn one is SO true.LOL Congrats on finishing this damn challenge! Woo-HOO, we're done!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Finally! I'm glad I can resume my lazy lifestyle without having to worry about getting my posts out in time.

      Also, funny statuses are the only ones worth reading.

      Delete
  2. EGAD MAN, YOU REALLY ARE PSYCHIC!

    Why just this evening, I purchased not one but two bags of Doritos for such an event as you have predicted.
    You truly are a God!
    (The Capricorn prediction cracked me up)

    Well Chiz, we are finished! Done and dusted. Th mission is indeed complete and I for one, have enjoyed each and everyone of your A-Z posts! They have been absolutely hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have thoroughly enjoyed your posts as well! Congrats on finishing, and we are finally free!

      Delete
  3. I think I'm actually an Aquarius, but my horoscope was lame, so I am now a Awesome Leo, because I am awesome. Awesome job on getting throughout the alphabet without forgetting any letters.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry, my psychic abilities started to wear off by the time I got to Aquarius. And, thanks! We are finally finished!

      Delete
  4. The dead hooker ended up not being dead at all, so I had sex with her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bah, my psychic abilities aren't what they used to be, but hopefully she doesn't charge you for the hours she was sleeping in your bed.

      Delete
  5. Well done on completing the A-Z challenge. We need to have some sort of celebration. I'd invite you over to mine for a party, but apparently, I'm locked out of my house and need to wait for the bootilicious locksmith to arrive.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well we can hang out and stare at the locksmith until the door's fixed.

      Delete
  6. That damn billy! I'll pop the £20 in the mail :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! Yeah, Billy is quite deceiving. Never trust him.

      Delete
  7. I take it you are a Leo. :)Great way to finish the challenge. Thanks for the laughs! Congrats!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks a lot! And, I am most certainly a Leo, but the horoscope is based off what the zodiac tells me.

      Delete
  8. That was an awesome post .
    Well, congrats for doing that challenge.
    Have a good day :).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks a lot! Happy blogging to you!

      Delete
  9. I guess my comment got deleted my mistake? or not

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's on my Y post. I figured you made a mistake.

      Delete
  10. You should have made Leo and Aries but I'll take staying at home, watching my favorite movies while munching on Cheetos as a REALLLYY close 2nd. You're awesome (although I think a little twisted, lol). Way to finish the A-Z challenge. Oh and that cute little puppy was a nice touch. ;o)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! It's been fun, but I'm sure glad it's over. Also, I'd like to stay home and watch some Game of Thrones while munching on Cheetos. You should count yourself as lucky.

      Delete
  11. Wow you go me down! Those were my Gemini plans for the day! I never knew theses could be so acurite!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My psychic abilities stretch accross realms... or something.

      Delete
  12. Awww, a puppy! That's the best horoscope I've read in a while, puppies are always good news!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can never fail with a puppy.

      Delete
  13. Well, I'm a leo so I'll just go right ahead and say spot on, chiz, spot-the fuck-on

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right on! At least I got someone's horoscope correct.

      Delete