I’m here to teach you the proper procedure of xeroxing your buttocks. Why, you ask? Because I am literally at my wit’s end and have absolutely no idea of what to write about for ‘X’.
If you’re stuck in a dead-end job like me, there isn’t anything in the world more satisfying than planting your firm behind on a Xerox machine and watching the hilarity ensue as pages file out the printer showcasing your meaty goods. Don’t call me a depraved maniac until you’ve tried it! It’s essentially immortalizing your butt!
Anyway, with every lewd act, there are rules that you must abide by. Follow these simple laws of the Xerox to ensure you aren’t supervised out of the office and slapped on a black list.
Do not let your butt hole show.
Apparently this is the point where it’s considered crossing the line into indecent exposure. You can find me on a sex offender list in Zimbabwe as I was on a business trip when I discovered this interesting tidbit. To prevent such exposure, firmly clench your butt cheeks before you lift yourself upon the Xerox machine. This will ensure properly coverage of the butt hole.
Do not completely remove your pants.
Another lesson well taught when the 70-year-old secretary entered the copy room unannounced. When she promptly had a stroke, I finally realized that it was not kosher to completely remove my pants while in the confines of the office. To prevent injury to others, spare them the eye-level view of your genitalia.
Do not put your John Hancock on the printouts.
This was the camel that broke the boss’s back. Before, he could at least pretend it wasn’t my buttocks that littered the floors of every cubicle in the office. Also, the secretary had a select memory after being unintentionally flashed by me rendering her unable to pinpoint the culprit. But, my signature finally gave it away.
So, for the sake of job security, follow these laws of the Xerox, and you will be that much safer. Also, please refrain from xeroxing other private parts. Unless they’re boobies; boobies are always acceptable.
P.S. I am not actually a sex offender anywhere in the world. Also, I apologize for breaking the sacred rule of writing about butts on a blog. At least it wasn’t about poop and farts, right?