Friday, April 27, 2012

X is for Xeroxing Your Buttocks

Yes, I am breaking the Law of Blogging and writing about butts. It’s the A-Z Challenge, give me a break.

I’m here to teach you the proper procedure of xeroxing your buttocks. Why, you ask? Because I am literally at my wit’s end and have absolutely no idea of what to write about for ‘X’.

If you’re stuck in a dead-end job like me, there isn’t anything in the world more satisfying than planting your firm behind on a Xerox machine and watching the hilarity ensue as pages file out the printer showcasing your meaty goods. Don’t call me a depraved maniac until you’ve tried it! It’s essentially immortalizing your butt!
Anyway, with every lewd act, there are rules that you must abide by. Follow these simple laws of the Xerox to ensure you aren’t supervised out of the office and slapped on a black list.

Do not let your butt hole show.

Apparently this is the point where it’s considered crossing the line into indecent exposure. You can find me on a sex offender list in Zimbabwe as I was on a business trip when I discovered this interesting tidbit. To prevent such exposure, firmly clench your butt cheeks before you lift yourself upon the Xerox machine. This will ensure properly coverage of the butt hole.

Do not completely remove your pants.

Another lesson well taught when the 70-year-old secretary entered the copy room unannounced. When she promptly had a stroke, I finally realized that it was not kosher to completely remove my pants while in the confines of the office. To prevent injury to others, spare them the eye-level view of your genitalia.

Do not put your John Hancock on the printouts.

This was the camel that broke the boss’s back. Before, he could at least pretend it wasn’t my buttocks that littered the floors of every cubicle in the office. Also, the secretary had a select memory after being unintentionally flashed by me rendering her unable to pinpoint the culprit. But, my signature finally gave it away.


So, for the sake of job security, follow these laws of the Xerox, and you will be that much safer. Also, please refrain from xeroxing other private parts. Unless they’re boobies; boobies are always acceptable.

P.S. I am not actually a sex offender anywhere in the world. Also, I apologize for breaking the sacred rule of writing about butts on a blog. At least it wasn’t about poop and farts, right?

27 comments:

  1. OK where does it say that you cannot write about butts in a blog?!? I was never told any such thing and I refuse to abide by that.

    I have been told my ass belongs on a stamp, but never a Xerox machine!LOL The trick to signing your name to the Xerox is to give it out on Valentine's Day. The "heart" was modeled after a human heart. It was created based on what a woman looks like when she bends over. You could tell them you are celebrating the time honored tradition of butt-cards;)
    And don't be embare-assed by this post. I found it funny and informative!

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    1. So that's why they shaped hearts like that. And, I was talking about butt holes and stuff which I figured is the closest you can get to talking about poop and farts. But, I'm glad it's acceptable.

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  2. Thank God you said boobies were acceptable...I have managed to get girls in the office to do THAT before.

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    1. You must be a very persuasive gentleman. Can you come to my office please?

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  3. Hahahaha! I can always rely on you to make me laugh out loud.
    Though you did fail to mention that it's probably NOT okay to Xerox your buttocks using the machine at the public library...especially after school...when kids are present.

    Still, the restraining order is only for 5 years.

    Great post as always.

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    1. Ah, I'm going to have to add that to the updated list when I get around to it. And, I'm happy you enjoyed it!

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  4. Some good information. FACTS, I did not know, but then I work from home. What's the fun in that?

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    1. That's even better! You can break all these rules when xeroxing in the safety of your home.

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  5. You can't write about butts in your blog? What about Jimmy fungus, who wrote about a butt pinching ghost? does that count?

    great post, as usual!

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    1. I was talking about butt holes and stuff which I figured is the closest you can get to talking about poop and farts. But, like I said to Shay, I'm glad it's acceptable. I don't know why I was worried seeing as all my posts are childish. And, although I cannot find that post on his blog, it sounds hilarious.

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  6. There's a rule about writing blogs on butts? Clearly I did not get the memo.

    But letting the butt hole show . . . not yummy.

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    1. Bah, I was just paranoid. Before I started my blog, I read a little guide on how to blog, and it told me never to blog about butts, boobs, or bowel movements.

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  7. OMG!!! You made my day again. I so like variety when reading blogs and you always provide the surprise that makes me laugh. I have to be careful not to be drinking something while reading.
    As to the butt rule, I didn't get that memo either but then I don't like to follow rules anyway. Only when legally necessary. Even though I have boobs and butt worthy or xeroxing (lol) I never did that in the office. Other things maybe but that was one thing I considered sacred and not for public viewing. Only with a significant other.
    True story: my ex and I were in the middle of the French Quarter during Mardi Gras and he told me to show my boobs for some beads. I told him to show his boobs, mine were worth some green to see. Aaah those were the days. I do have some stories. I had forgotten all about that.
    Caio for now...

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    1. Before I started my blog, I read a little guide on how to blog, and it told me never to blog about butts, boobs, or bowel movements. And, I'm glad you enjoyed to post! Be sure to record some of those stories, too.

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    2. OK well, then so much for the rules. *throws book out the window*

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  8. I copy my boobs sometimes.
    Also, I don't have boobs.

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    1. Mind if I take a gander at them?

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  9. One day, I will do this. My bum isn't quite ready for this, but soon. Very soon. Let me do a few more lunges.

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    1. Anyone's bum is suitable for xeroxing!

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  10. Had to head over from Seriously WTH to see what your x word was. Love the advice. I don't work in an office these days, but in case I feel crazy at the post office or library, I definitely feel more prepared!

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    1. Absolutely, don't be afraid to try this at any place with a Xerox machine. As long as you follow these rules, nothing can go wrong.

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  11. I'm glad you told me about this. I was going to grab my next door neighbour, John Hancock, and photocopy him. I assume I'm not allowed to because he's so ugly? Seriously, he looks like Rocky Dennis spliced with a packet of McCoys crisps.

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    1. I can't bear the sight of the cheeks on his face; nevermind what he's got going on down below.

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  12. Well - I did do a call out for xeroxed bums so where were you?!

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  13. I've Xeroxed by boobs before. By mistake, I scanned it in and saved it on our network at work for all to see for days on end. No one ever said a word but I did get some sideways glances from our IT guy. Stoopid mistake... I have tons of embarrassing stories...

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    1. That's awesome. That ridiculous that it even made it as far as to be saved on the network! You should write a blog about it.

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