Thursday, April 26, 2012

W is for Well Equipped Wallet


I was examining the contents of my wallet today and notice how well equipped it was. Aside from my credit card, debit card, ID, and money, I have quite the array of unusual articles in it. Since I’m at a loss of what to write about for ‘W,’ I will entertain you with the stuffing inside my wallet.
Not my wallet.

Scuba Diving License

I find this form of identification extremely useful. Say a comrade of mine loses a very valuable item in the ocean such as a ring of keys, expensive jewelry, or a crystal Indiana Jones figurine. Well, all it would take me was a quick trip to the nearest scuba diving rental, a good $120 minimum, and a good 40 minute dive to come to the conclusion that my friend will never see his prized possessions again. It’s a good way to initiate the healing process.
Damn, I thought for sure I'd find that bobby pin.

Lobster License

Suppose I happen upon a gigantic lobster roaming the streets. He’s escaped from the local seafood restaurant and could fetch a good 20 bucks for his return. Without this form of identification, I would not be able to approach the fugitive; he would essentially have a government-protected restraining order against me. He may even cross the Mexican border before he encounters anyone with a lobster license. Unfortunately for him though, I have the requirements necessary to bring him to justice.
Honey, let's turn around. I don't like this neighborhood.

An American Express Gift Card with a Balance of $0

I’m walking my dog down the extremely low crime rate streets of my suburban town when all of a sudden, a masked burglar pounces out of a tanning salon/spa. He shouts for me to give him my money, but with a little persuading, I convince him that this American Express gift card with a balance of $0 actually contains $40 billion. What’s he going to take: my $4 and a piece of lint or a gift card worth $40 billion? Exactly.
Please, just take my credit card.

A Jack-O-Lantern Temporary Tattoo

For all those times that you happen upon a Halloween party. You never know when you’re going to run into a Halloween party.
Sweet tat! Come on in. The beers in the fridge.

13 Hooter’s Coupons, Good for 20 Wings for $10

This one speaks for itself. AM I RIGHT, GUYS! Yeahahahah! I’m such a loser.
That's cool and all, but where the fuck are my wings.

34 comments:

  1. I'll go with you and be a loser while we are eating those wings...yeahahahah, I'm a loser glomer oner.

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    1. My ex loved mine so I understand the fascination. lol
      Tits and Ass(you know that WAS from a song from a musical)

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    2. Well their wings are amazing. I tried their new Spicy Garlic wings and almost had a seizure they were so damn good.

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    3. LMAO, whatever. I'm on to you guys. I've been around. But I do love me some wings.

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    4. I swear, I just go for the wings.

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    5. I have NEVER known a man to go to Hooters JUST for the wings. But for the sake of more argument and a new found blog friend, I'll say "I believe"!!!! ;)

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  2. Hi Chiz - without a doubt this has been the BEST "W" post I've read all day. And trust me...I've read billions about four billion to be exact...hmmm...odd how we came up with this exact number in both your post and my comment - what were the odds of that...4 billion to one - you think!!

    I'm tickled with your cleverness - and how helpful you would be in the event of a sunken treasure, loose lobster, tattooing, or chicken wings lost in big boobies crisis. Very resourceful!

    Great post!

    Jenny @ Pearson Report
    Co-Host of the Blogging from A to Z Challenge.

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    1. Wow, excellent! I'm glad you enjoyed it. And, I am most certainly going to make up a medal claiming I was your 40 billionth visit.

      Thanks for the encouraging words.

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  3. That lobster license is all well and good, but what if you come across a crab? A big crab scuttling along with a million dollars in a briefcase. And an owl! What are you going to do then?

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    1. I will have to turn the other cheek in that case. Leave that one to the authorities. Also, I'd have no chance in hell catching an owl. I don't have the proper training. Unfortunately, my expertise only goes so far as fugitive lobsters.

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  4. I seriously have an American Express Gift card with like 0.41 left on it--or some riduculous low amount I will never remember to use--UNLESS a burglar jumps out a me. Thanks for giving me an excuse to save it!! HA HA! The lobster license--well--now there is something I don't have!!

    Cheers, Jenn
    http://www.wine-n-chat.com

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    1. Now you have a use for it! It's amazing the things people throw away.

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    2. I use mine to scrape the ice off my windows in the winter, haha

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    3. It's also good if you lock yourself out of your house. Just shimmy it in the door well the lock is and jiggle the handle.

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    4. I usually lock myself out of my car. It doesn't work on cars. Nothing does, I know I've tried, except a locksmith and your next week's pay to unlock it.

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    5. Maybe you could carve the card into the shape of a key?

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  5. A lobster license? Seriously? Never heard of such a ting.

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    1. Yeah, you need one in order to lay down lobster traps or capture them while scuba diving.

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  6. Great post! Might not find any keys, jewelry or any treasure but the view down under is truly awesome.

    Oh and in case you don't read your comments from prior posts, I forgot to mention yesterday that Gilby looks like something from the Gremlins *shudders*.

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    1. Yeah, I live in Massachusetts so the clarity isn't what it is down South, but there are plenty of cool things to see up here too.

      Also, I comment back on every comment despite the post. I left a response for your's in my 'V' post. The only time I do not comment back on a post is when it's obvious the person didn't read my post, and they are shamelessly promoting their own blog (i.e. "Good post! Visit my blog at I-Have-No-Shame.com). I encourage people to leave a link to their page, but let me know that you actually read my post first.

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    2. Never been to Massachusetts. You'll have to let me know what cool things to see should I get a chance to visit. As the the promoting, hehe, I've seen that on occasion and I don't blame you. Konichiwa, its Friday!!!!

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    3. Bah, nothing spectacular here. Boston's not too bad, but it's no New York or Los Angeles. Cape Cod or Martha's Vineyard is definitely the place to go. Glouster's pretty interesting too.

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  7. Those pesky lawless lobsters - thank god we have you to the rescue! And I shall now know who to call when I drop my priceless hair-band into the deep sea off the coast of Cuba. Phew, that had been worrying me.

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    1. Yep, all it will take is a quick phone call, a flight to wherever it is you live, $120 dollars for the rental, and a 40 minute dive, and soon you'll be on the fast-track to recovery.

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  8. Oh and glad Google Images is being a little more cooperative today!

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    1. Defintely. Granted I was searching some pretty strange things for my last post. Also, just a tip, never search ugly Hooter's girls. Hairy naked men will be Google's response.

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  9. Makes me think I need to add a few things to my wallet.


    ScribblesFromJenn
    Happy A to Z-ing!

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    1. You can never have too many things in your wallet.

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  10. Hooters is real? And they sell wings? Owl wings? Why not juicy chicken breasts?

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    1. I'm not sure, but I think the owl meat kills brains cells.

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  11. if that was your wallet, girls wouldn't be able to resist throwing themselves at you. you'd be as awesome as Knight Rider or Macgyver

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    1. I know. I bet I could find one of these at the local flea market.

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  12. Moths fly outta my wallet when I open it.

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    1. Moths would fly out of my wallet would there be room for them to escape.

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