Wednesday, April 25, 2012

V is for Ventriloquism


In my never-ending quest for shiny, golden, diamond-shaped rubies, I was scouring eBay in attempt to find tools that would prove as useful vehicles on the road to riches. However, some of the things people sell on this website baffle me. Some guy tried to convince me to buy a never-before seen screenplay written by some dude named Woody Allen for $10. Yeah, right! I'd rather spend that money on something I know will make me millions over a screenplay by some no-name.

That's when I saw it. This obviously flawed and dimwitted business man was selling a box full of ventriloquist dummies for only $499! What a sure-fire way to get rich! I've seen that comedian guy who does those things on stage with the dummies and stuff, and it doesn't seem at all difficult. I thought for a fact I could pull it off, but since I'm still writing on this blog, you already know the outcome.

I learned from a friend of mine who's a children’s performer/drug dealer that the best way to hone my skills in the way of ventriloquism is to start with a younger audience as they are too distracted by the dummies to notice that my mouth is actually the one talking. So, I ventured on down to the nearest kindergarten with my new box of dummies and offered my services for a fair price of $1,000. The kindergarten eventually talked me down to a $10 gift card to Applebee's which I graciously accepted.

I started off the performance with a goofy character I aptly named Sneezy the Clown as I aimed to interrupt the dialogue every once in a while with an over exaggerated ACHOO! I figured the children would get a good laugh at his uncontrollable sneeze spasms.
It's silly because puppets don't sneeze.
However, the children didn't react as I'd assumed. Every time I had Sneezy the Clown let out a violent sneeze, the children would burst out in tears. Damn, kids these days scare way too easily.

Moving on, I switched to Griddy the Grump. I aimed to portray him as a disgruntled, crabby old man. Equipped with a soft, plushy baseball bat, he would flail around screaming at children to get off his property.
The mustache is commonly associated with innocence.
Again, I misjudged the children's sense of humor as they cowered in fear every time Griddy the Grump moved in for a swing. Did they not realize that the bat wasn't real?

As to brighten up the teary-eyed children, I brought out my next dummy: Gilby from Planet Gigglebum. I can only describe this cute little critter as loving, cuddly, and gullible as fuck. As him any question and he'll respond with an outrageous answer.
Giwby wants a wovable hug.
I would substitute his 'L's and 'R's with 'W's as to further influence the children of his innocence. But, yet again, the children screamed and bolted for the door whenever Gilby came in for a hug.

I just don't understand today's youth. If I can't amuse kindergarteners, there's no way I'm going to draw in an audience of epic proportions. If the children were frightened of the other puppets, then good thing I didn't bring this guy into the picture. Bah, they would've shit their pants at the sight of Billy the Hedgehog.
I thought him quite dull anyway.

Yep, I managed to bang this out with 30 minutes to spare. Sorry, for the messy formatting and crap. I was busy watching the Bruins unfortunately get KO'd.

23 comments:

  1. I suppose the wee ones did get your creepy humour?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought the cast of dummies was a lovable bunch.

      Delete
  2. Come perform in my bedroom. Wait, that's not right. The point is that I think my nieces would appreciate this. They love creepy things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well they will surely be disappointed once I show up with tese bunch of adorable puppets. Except for Billy; he's pretty creepy.

      Delete
  3. Kids these days. Who can figure 'em out? You would have to be a Rocket Surgeon to raise kids these days.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I known what you mean. Completing a procedural engine transplant is easier to understand.

      Delete
  4. What is it with kids these days? You'd think that Griddy the Grump would be a cuddly bunny compared to all the Abduct 'em, Torture 'em, Kill 'em stuff they see on kiddie cartoons now! Can't believe your little business venture didn't work though, sounds as if you had it down pat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They've become desensitized to violence and sensitized to harmless jokes. What has come of this planet?

      Delete
  5. Such bias. People are afraid of Griddy yelling at kids to get the hell off his lawn, but they laugh their asses off when Jeff Dunham makes a dead skeleton terrorist puppet scream "I keel you!" I'm not sure what to tell you. Have you tried swearing more?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's probably it. These kids need something edgy. Time to revise my performance to include more racism and cussing!

      Delete
  6. Haha so much for that plan! I would have cried, too, though. I scare easily.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope you mean tears caused by an overload of laughter and fright caused by the ridiculously well-times jokes.

      Delete
  7. Maybe it was the clothes you were wearing that were bothering the children, try dressing in dirty smelly clothes covered in blood and wear clown make up! Everyone loves clowns! right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, my business suit probably bored them to tears. I heard childrn love zombie clowns; so I think you've got the right idea.

      Delete
  8. OMG you're fucking hilarious. I KNOW you didn't do that to those poor kids. I would have cried too. I hate those dummies anyways. Reminds me of Chucky. Great story though. Now you can come over with the hedgehog if you wanna. I'm game for something creepy, lol. NOT!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But, this cast of silly billies is the wackiest bunch I know. They are guaranteed to bring laughs.

      Delete
  9. Thanks for your post. Those dummies would make me cry, apart from Billy :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are most certainly welcome! And, Billy's sort of an outcast.

      Delete
  10. Ah, poor Billy didn't get his turn in the lime light. Thirty minutes, huh?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, according to my time anyway. I posted it at 11:30pm.

      Delete
  11. Forgot to mention that Gilby reminds me of something from the Gremlins, *shudders*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Either that or something from "A Nightmare Before Chirstmas." I immediately though of gremlins when I saw it, though.

      Delete
  12. May favorite parts were the mini captions under the pictures. They made me laugh. This was way entertaining Chiz.

    ReplyDelete