In my never-ending quest for shiny, golden, diamond-shaped rubies, I was scouring eBay in attempt to find tools that would prove as useful vehicles on the road to riches. However, some of the things people sell on this website baffle me. Some guy tried to convince me to buy a never-before seen screenplay written by some dude named Woody Allen for $10. Yeah, right! I'd rather spend that money on something I know will make me millions over a screenplay by some no-name.
That's when I saw it. This obviously flawed and dimwitted business man was selling a box full of ventriloquist dummies for only $499! What a sure-fire way to get rich! I've seen that comedian guy who does those things on stage with the dummies and stuff, and it doesn't seem at all difficult. I thought for a fact I could pull it off, but since I'm still writing on this blog, you already know the outcome.
I learned from a friend of mine who's a children’s performer/drug dealer that the best way to hone my skills in the way of ventriloquism is to start with a younger audience as they are too distracted by the dummies to notice that my mouth is actually the one talking. So, I ventured on down to the nearest kindergarten with my new box of dummies and offered my services for a fair price of $1,000. The kindergarten eventually talked me down to a $10 gift card to Applebee's which I graciously accepted.
I started off the performance with a goofy character I aptly named Sneezy the Clown as I aimed to interrupt the dialogue every once in a while with an over exaggerated ACHOO! I figured the children would get a good laugh at his uncontrollable sneeze spasms.
It's silly because puppets don't sneeze.
However, the children didn't react as I'd assumed. Every time I had Sneezy the Clown let out a violent sneeze, the children would burst out in tears. Damn, kids these days scare way too easily.
Moving on, I switched to Griddy the Grump. I aimed to portray him as a disgruntled, crabby old man. Equipped with a soft, plushy baseball bat, he would flail around screaming at children to get off his property.
The mustache is commonly associated with innocence.
Again, I misjudged the children's sense of humor as they cowered in fear every time Griddy the Grump moved in for a swing. Did they not realize that the bat wasn't real?
As to brighten up the teary-eyed children, I brought out my next dummy: Gilby from Planet Gigglebum. I can only describe this cute little critter as loving, cuddly, and gullible as fuck. As him any question and he'll respond with an outrageous answer.
Giwby wants a wovable hug.
I would substitute his 'L's and 'R's with 'W's as to further influence the children of his innocence. But, yet again, the children screamed and bolted for the door whenever Gilby came in for a hug.
I just don't understand today's youth. If I can't amuse kindergarteners, there's no way I'm going to draw in an audience of epic proportions. If the children were frightened of the other puppets, then good thing I didn't bring this guy into the picture. Bah, they would've shit their pants at the sight of Billy the Hedgehog.
I thought him quite dull anyway.
Yep, I managed to bang this out with 30 minutes to spare. Sorry, for the messy formatting and crap. I was busy watching the Bruins unfortunately get KO'd.