Tuesday, April 24, 2012

U is for Urinal Chatter Deterrent


The pleasant resonance of a steady stream echoes throughout the acoustic alleviation station. You tilt your head back in relief as the pressure begins to subside. All of a sudden the bathroom door flings open, and a man takes the position left of you. No matter, just as long as he doesn’t— “Hey, buddy! What’s hangin’?”... Shit. Your stable torrent is cut short.

“Nothing”, you leave him nothing to work with. There’s no way he could ignite a conversa—

“Nothing’s better than something, right?” he punches your shoulder and boisterously laughs.

Oh you mother fucker. “Yeah, I suppose.” Keep giving him nothing. He can’t keep this up for too—

“Bugh,” a strange noise discharges from his face hole. “I was afraid that game was going to be postponed due to the rain last night.”

You are finally forced to give up all hope. You abscond the premises, unrelieved and unsatisfied. You’ll have to try again later.

We’ve all had these unfortunate run-ins with “Urinal Chatters.” Your body is expunging itself of harmful waste, and all it asks of you is to avoid awkward confrontation with other restroom-goers. But, even that is not easy to obtain with Urinal Chatters running amok.

However, these days of frustration and unwanted company are over. No longer will you be forced into conversation with your manhood functioning in your hand. May I introduce to you, Forced Urinal Chat Counter Operational Frighten and Flee deterrent. With FUCCOFF, you can finally enjoy a constant flow without out worry of distraction.

FUCCOFF comes in an easily concealable spray can that can fit in your pant’s pocket, shirt pocket, arm pocket, and pocket pocket. All that is required is that you remove the cap, aim the nozzle directly at the Urinal Chatter, and press down unleashing a scientific combination of habaneras, ground pepper, red peppers, bell peppers, jalapeños, and mercury into the eyes, throat, and nasal cavity rendering the perpetrator unable to speak, let alone breath.
This is a horrible example.
FUCCOFF works against such extreme cases as Urinal Weather Chatters, Urinal News Chatters, and Urinal Political Chatters. Find yourself playing therapist with an Insecure Urinal Chatter? FUCCOFF! Trying to fake laughter at the Lame Joke Chatter? FUCCOFF! Struggling to angle yourself away from the Unwavering Gaze Chatter? FUCCOFF! FUCCOFF! FUCCOFF!

Order now and you’ll receive a complimentary t-shirt:
Only one easy payment of $1 billiondy dillion! Act now!

24 comments:

  1. So, that's how it is in the boy's room. Thankfully, us ladies have little cubicles! A chatty Ken would be a really annoying phenom. I'm over from A to saying hi. Catheriine

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    1. I heard you guys have a couch and a television in every stall.

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  2. What a great concept...I prefer just putting a plastic dry cleaner bag over their head until they expire and then place them head first in the next urinal...guaranteed to a)keep the next urinal free and B)stop ALL conversation. But your idea is good too. But be honest, you spray that shit in their face and all you get is more noise...am I right?

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    1. Well, if you spray enough of FUCCOFF in their face, hopefully it'll block the air passage enough to prevent any further sound emission. I'm pretty sure that's how science works.

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  3. I just lick the wall and the conversation normally stops.

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    Replies
    1. Wow, I never thought the effect that would have should someone actually be there to witness it.

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  4. I think I love this. It's brilliant, really!

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    1. Excellent. If you wire the money to me, I'll forward the can of FUCCOFF to your address.

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  5. The best I find to break off conversation is to stare the person in the eye, then begin shaking the last drops out, but continue doing this until they shut up.

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    Replies
    1. I bet if you shake their's it would have a quicker result.

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  6. Ha ha love this ... still chuckling. FUCCOFF! At last - an advantage to being a girlie. Separate stalls (although we've had to wait half a lifetime to get one and then it's all splattery with other people's wee and mess) but hey, no crap-talk!

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    1. Yeah, I'd rather deal with Urinal Chatters over the infinitely long line for the girl's bathroom.

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  7. Haha :) laughing to myself over here :) Hilarious and true.

    Sarah Allen
    (my creative writing blog)

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    1. Excellent! Shall I mark you down for 2 cans?

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  8. So does this shit work on anything else beside Urinal chatter? First time reading your post. Good writer and I see you are doing the A-Z challenge. There's another way to keep you guys from finishing that I used to use on my ex but I guess it could be considered x-rated? Kudos to you and congratulations in almost completing your challenge.

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    1. Thank you! Fortunately, FUCCOFF works on all situations involving unwanted company!

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  9. I don't need FUCCOFF spray, I use the pattented FUCCOFF look! It makes people avoid talking to me at all times, not just in the washroom! No pesky conversations in line ups at the bank or in the grocery store!

    Fantastic post! This one is one of your best! Had me laughing over and over again!

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    Replies
    1. Some people are born with a natural FUCCOFF emission. And, thanks for the kind words, good sir.

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  10. Being a girl, I always wondered if that was something guys encountered. To me, it is almost the equivalent of someone talking during a massage (whether it's the person giving or getting). It is like they are SO uncomfortable with silence they have to say something.

    I think FUCCOFF is a great idea. Although, I have experience with Habanero peppers and I have to warn you not to get any of that on your hands or your junk (aka manhood). Just trust me on this one;)

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    1. I've never had a massage, but I'd imagine it'd be just as awkward. And, I remember reading your habanero post. Ah, I never want to experience that. Although, I did touch my genitalia after eatting a jar of jalepenos which was no fun.

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  11. I've never had anyone attempt to start a conversation with me in a public bathroom. However, every time I try to get some alone time in my own bathroom my nieces, without fail, just have to talk to me.

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    1. At least family's not so awkward, but that's pretty hilarious.

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  12. Just don't eat the mints in the urinals.

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    Replies
    1. But those urinal cakes are oh so delicious!

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