Monday, April 23, 2012

T is for Train Etiquette


I wrote this post back in March. Apparently I was none too pleased with the commuter rail this particular evening. Pardon the rage.

We’ve all rode the commuter rail before and witnessed atrocities that would make even Satan shed a tear for humanity. So, in an attempt to deter these injustices, I present to you Chiz’s Train Etiquette List of Stuff Not to Do List Or Something.

When I’m obviously struggling to reach from my train pass because your tiny frame is somehow consuming an abnormal amount of space, please do something to help.
 Dogs are notorious for this... I guess. I don't know, Google gave this to me.
I was in the seat first, so you’re actually the imposition on me. So, close your damn legs, tuck in that purse, fold in your arms, and take a deep breath for crying out loud. Let out a fart if it will lessen your body mass. The reason I’m making these over exaggerated flailing motions in attempt to grab my train pass is because you won’t move your pretentious ass an inch to allow me to do so. The 900 pound walrus that sat next to me yesterday took up less room than you.

Don’t talk on your phone in the quiet car.
There's a reason he's wearing that glove.
I just don’t want to hear it. There’s a reason I have subjected myself to this frequently overcrowded car, and it’s not to listen to another horrible day in the life of Cindy of Winchester. I don’t care if Billy forgot to pick up the caviar for the merrymaking revelry your throwing tonight; if I hear you on the phone, I’m going to throw something at you. I won’t have control over what it is either. If a culinary apprentice happens to be sitting next to me, that fresh pot of scolding hot potato soup is going to be air-Jordan’d at your yapper.

If the train breaks down (which is a weekly occurrence) don’t you dare crack a joke out loud.
I hope Cindy's there to hear my hilarious joke.
I swear to batman that if I hear one funny man blurt out, “we must be out of gas” or “do we got a flat tire?” I am going to rip the seats to shreds while tossing innocent people aside in an attempt to reach you and pull all your stupid hair out of your stupid head. Or, at the very least I’ll tell you to not be so desperate. We’ve all heard the jokes before, and despite popular belief, when jokes aren’t funny the first time, they unfortunately aren’t funnier the next 40 billion times. Shit jokes will forever be shit jokes. If you ever happen to hear a chuckle after one of these horrible jokes, don’t throw out your shoulder trying to pat yourself on the back; it’s just Large Marge trying to get a piece of that ass. Anyway, refrain from those types of jokes for the safety of innocent bystanders because their death will be on your hands.

Don’t look at what I’m typing on my computer.
Why? Because that's what Google gave me!
YEAH GUY I’M TALKING TO YOU, GUY. I DON’T APPRECIATE THE NOSINESS (Oh, he’s reading a Chinese newspaper and probably doesn’t understand this. Ah, well you get the point).

Alright, this is just a portion of a list that’s pretty gosh darn long. So, I’m going to spare you guys my frustrations with public transportation because I’m fairly certain you’ve all had to deal with this multiple times in your life. *Calming guitar theme to close out rant*

22 comments:

  1. Wow! You were really annoyed with everyone that day. lol! I had the very same thought when I was on a train in NYC, that the smaller the person the more room they take up!

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    1. I'm glad I'm not the only one who recognizes this.

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  2. One time our train was delayed because a horse was walking on track. A horse, for Christ's sake. It took them an hour to walk the horse down the tracks to an appropriate place where the train could pass.

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    1. Damn, they should've just rode the horse down the tracks.

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  3. I love a rant, especially when it's somebody else. I also hope to never have to see public transportation again.

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    1. That's good! I always think people get annoyed by my rants.

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  4. I used to take the train to London every day for 2 years when I was working there - bloody hell, what a lot of annoying people there are. And the tubes! Argh! I think you were very restrained. A polite rant! Love the piccies - sooo random!

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    1. Why thank you! And, yeah, Google wasn't cooperating; so I just stuck with what it gave me.

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  5. I have honestly never ridden on a real train before (apart from the Hogwarts express in my imagination and the zoo train - which just takes you in a circle around the zoo - but it does have a whistle so it still kinda counts) - I appreciate the lesson in etiquette. If and when I ever board one, I would prefer not to have violent thoughts shankin' me.

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    1. Sorry, I didn't mean to ruin the experience before you even board a train. As long as you don't hop on a train at rush hour, you should be safe from the hoards of selfish cacaheads.

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  6. Deep breaths chiz! What annoys me the most is people who sit next to me even though the bus isn't full, I don't even look friendly, why do they do that! And those damn people who play their ringtone selection over and over, flipping hell! :)

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    1. Bah, that happened to me the other day. There's a guy on my train that carries around a bottle of sanitizer and coats the seat in it, and despite the train being empty, he sat next to me and slathered that shit all over the seat.

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  7. Now I'm glad I've never been on a train! You better work on portal technology!

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    1. I'll get started immediately. All I required is 40 billion dollars to start off with.

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  8. I don't ride the bus. But when I'm driving, I punch people in the face when they annoy me.

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    1. A guy ran out of his car at a stop light and punched my friend for some unknown reason. Quite hilarious. I wasn't there unfortunately.

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  9. I am a very nosey person, so I don't mind the cell phone conversations. Most of the time, they are extremely dull, but if you're patient, you'll get a good one. Sally gave Jim herpes. Jim got it from Bob. That sort of stuff.

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    1. Ah, I wouldn't complain if I listen to calls like that, but the cell phone users I encounter have shrilly voices. All their calls are similar: "He did?... Why?... Well who drove?... Well, that was stupid... That's what I said... Blugargh... BLUGARGH!" (That's the point that I start strangling them).

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  10. I think you have hit the nail on the head about trains here. The biggest issues with public transport its the public and the companies that own these 'services'.

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    1. Exactly. I pay a hefty amount each month. I deserve some room to breathe and a little bit of quiet at least.

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  11. Just play Kevin Bloody Wilson YouTube videos on yer laptop and everyone will exit stage left.

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    1. I will have to research this Kevin Wilson. He sounds as if he works miracles.

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