I wrote this post back in March. Apparently I was none too pleased with the commuter rail this particular evening. Pardon the rage.
We’ve all rode the commuter rail before and witnessed atrocities that would make even Satan shed a tear for humanity. So, in an attempt to deter these injustices, I present to you Chiz’s Train Etiquette List of Stuff Not to Do List Or Something.
When I’m obviously struggling to reach from my train pass because your tiny frame is somehow consuming an abnormal amount of space, please do something to help.
Dogs are notorious for this... I guess. I don't know, Google gave this to me.
I was in the seat first, so you’re actually the imposition on me. So, close your damn legs, tuck in that purse, fold in your arms, and take a deep breath for crying out loud. Let out a fart if it will lessen your body mass. The reason I’m making these over exaggerated flailing motions in attempt to grab my train pass is because you won’t move your pretentious ass an inch to allow me to do so. The 900 pound walrus that sat next to me yesterday took up less room than you.
Don’t talk on your phone in the quiet car.
There's a reason he's wearing that glove.
I just don’t want to hear it. There’s a reason I have subjected myself to this frequently overcrowded car, and it’s not to listen to another horrible day in the life of Cindy of Winchester. I don’t care if Billy forgot to pick up the caviar for the merrymaking revelry your throwing tonight; if I hear you on the phone, I’m going to throw something at you. I won’t have control over what it is either. If a culinary apprentice happens to be sitting next to me, that fresh pot of scolding hot potato soup is going to be air-Jordan’d at your yapper.
If the train breaks down (which is a weekly occurrence) don’t you dare crack a joke out loud.
I hope Cindy's there to hear my hilarious joke.
I swear to batman that if I hear one funny man blurt out, “we must be out of gas” or “do we got a flat tire?” I am going to rip the seats to shreds while tossing innocent people aside in an attempt to reach you and pull all your stupid hair out of your stupid head. Or, at the very least I’ll tell you to not be so desperate. We’ve all heard the jokes before, and despite popular belief, when jokes aren’t funny the first time, they unfortunately aren’t funnier the next 40 billion times. Shit jokes will forever be shit jokes. If you ever happen to hear a chuckle after one of these horrible jokes, don’t throw out your shoulder trying to pat yourself on the back; it’s just Large Marge trying to get a piece of that ass. Anyway, refrain from those types of jokes for the safety of innocent bystanders because their death will be on your hands.
Don’t look at what I’m typing on my computer.
Why? Because that's what Google gave me!
YEAH GUY I’M TALKING TO YOU, GUY. I DON’T APPRECIATE THE NOSINESS (Oh, he’s reading a Chinese newspaper and probably doesn’t understand this. Ah, well you get the point).
Alright, this is just a portion of a list that’s pretty gosh darn long. So, I’m going to spare you guys my frustrations with public transportation because I’m fairly certain you’ve all had to deal with this multiple times in your life. *Calming guitar theme to close out rant*