Saturday, April 21, 2012

S is for Sleepovers and Epic Conclusions


If you’ve been wondering where I’ve been for the past few days, I’ve been having a sleepover with a new pal of mine, John Smith.

I awoke in his basement tied to a chair. I had no idea where I was so I shouted for help. That’s when I heard the door open, and a burly gentleman sauntered down the cellar stairs. After a brief discussion, I learned that Mr. Smith had happened upon my bloodied carcass shortly after being mauled by a throng of fugitive zoo animals. Being hard up on cash, he decided to what he called “kidnap” me. However, John must’ve assumed I was a kid when in fact I was an adult, even my mommy told me so. Also, I’d been unconscious for over a day, what makes him think I would want a ‘kidnap’? I did find it very kind of him to take me in and tie me to this chair to avoid further injuries unto myself, though.

After some deliberation John decided to untie me under the condition that I stay indoors and out of sight, which was perfectly reasonable as I was in pretty rough shape. Also, can you believe this jokester said he’d put a bullet in my head if I tried to leave? What a wisenheimer! Though, I know he was only concerned about my safety.

We finally got to know one another through the days. He enjoyed mapping out escape routes and conversing anonymously with strangers over the phone, and alternatively, he became accustomed to my chronic nudity complex and love of 16 and Pregnant. We eventually got to that point of palling around with each other. I would dump Cheetos on the carpet and mush them within the fibers as a practical joke. Then, John would run out of the kitchen screaming how he was going to shoot me in the head, but then I would just give it right back to him: Oh, yeah! Good luck because I’m wearing my Invisible Helmet of Arnock lvl 23! I always won the arguments that way.

Day in and day out we would frolic around the house: me causing playful mischief, and John waving a realistic-looking water gun at me. I swear to God I’m going to shoot you dead!

Then it happened just yesterday; there was a knock at the front door. John opened the door at an angle so that I could not see. What a freakin’ silly billy, but I wasn’t going to have it. I pried the door from John’s fingers, and a man who looked suspiciously similar to me stood at the front door.

“Chiz! You’re coming with me buddy!” the stranger hollered.

I motioned towards John, “who is this man?”

“Just go with him, you retard!” John snapped.

“Stop kidding around, John. This is serious!” Just then, the stranger grabbed my armed. “John! Help me! This man is trying to steal me in ofference of money or something!” But John did nothing. He just tossed a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos to the stranger and closed the door. Was he that scared of this man?

The strange man who kept referring to himself as Choz continued to drag me down the street. “Let’s go,” he yelled, “I need you to complete this challenge so I can build a time machine, blah, blah, blah.”

What in the fuck was he talking about? All I knew is that I had to escape. As Choz dragged me down the street, I noticed an approaching couple walking a dog. Immediately I had devised a plan.

I waited until we were next to the frightened couple, and I reached over, grabbed their poodle, and bludgeoned this Choz character until he was bloodied on the sidewalk.

And, that’s how I ended up here at my house! Apparently, he had been posing as me, filling my blog with lies about how “I didn’t want to complete the A to Z Challenge” or something. Of course I want to finish the challenge! Or else I wouldn’t have started it, right? Right? Right?!

Besides, you guys could immediately tell the posts weren’t coming from me due to his poor writing skills. I mean look! He didn’t even proofread any of his posts! 

*UPDATE*

Look what I came across this morning on my doorstep:
Dun, Dun, Duuuun.

20 comments:

  1. Dun, dun, dun, indeed. Did he keep your pooch alive? 'Cause I told him about needing to feed it Purina or Alpo!

    -Barb the French Bean

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    1. He actually cryogenically froze my dog. I'm in the process of thawing him out.

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  2. Do you want to complete the A-Z challenge? Really? :P I can't decide if I like Choz or not! :)

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    1. Nah, he's a jerk. Spreading lies about me to everyone.

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  3. Go to Lowes and buy some new door locks...and...you may need some drugs for that split personality thingy you got going on. Frankly I could tell no difference in the writing...does that tell you something??

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    1. Pshh, his writing is far inferior to mine, and I think I'm just going to go the easy route and booby trap my entire house.

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  4. John seems like a super keen guy. I see why you liked him so much.

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    1. He isn't afraid to tell it how it is. Plus, he has a great sense of humor.

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  5. Great post, I'm glad I found your blog. Good luck with the rest of the challenge!

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    1. Thanks! You arrived just in time for my triumphant return!

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  6. Woo hoo, welcome back Chiz! That John Smith guy sounds like a genuine, upstanding gentleman. Glad he took good care of you until you were well enough to bludgeon your future self with a dog.

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    1. He's certainly a swell guy. As for that "futuristic space man," he deserved what became of him.

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  7. Like, does he really think you'll run out of things to say. I mean seriously, dude.

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    1. Really, I never run out of things to--

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  8. Suddenly, my wife's poodle has a new use: as a bludgeon. Thank you for that. I was beginning to think he was completely useless to me, as a straight male.

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    1. According to science, poodles have a vastly superior bone structure when compared to other K-9 species.

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  9. Cool Ranch Doritos? Doesn't he know that the Cheese ones are the best?? Jeez what a chump Choz is. No wonder the writing was so completely and utterly different. Phew, glad you're back to sort him out and get the rest of the Challenge on track. I know you lovin' it and it was just horrible nasty rumours. As are we all ... !

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    1. I know! What a terrible writer and filthy liar he is! I love this challenge! I may continue it through May if I haven't off'd myself by then.

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  10. Suicide over homicide! Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me. I am the only person allowed to kill.

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    1. I think all John's actions were in good intentions.

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