Tuesday, April 17, 2012

O is for Obituary


Chiz
(1988 AD – 62 BC)
May we mourn this fine day as a beloved member of our community has passed. Chiz was tragically killed this weekend while attempting to scale what he believed to be a rock wall but unfortunately turned out to be a throng of fugitive zoo animals.

But let us never forget the man he was. When Chiz wasn’t smoking heaps of crack and reciting Harry Frankfurt in a loud, monotone voice to baby strollers at the mall, he enjoyed reenacting Civil War battles with carrots, celery, highly flammable substances, and live ammunition. It seems like only yesterday that Chiz accidentally remodeled his home due to a poorly placed explosive and half-eaten celery stick.

He even enjoyed donating his time at the local soup kitchen. If it weren’t for the discovery of his obsession with adding black market sloth meat to the soups, he would probably still be contributing his time to the kitchen and the many people he helped become homeless.

With his multiple personalities, he would often have many memorable exchanges with the townsfolk. We all had a hearty laugh when Chiz offered to escort Ol’ Man Diddledink across the street and then spontaneously burst into a fit of rage using his retard strength to hurl Diddledink into a mailbox. It’s like he used to say, “I put the Chiz in schizophrenic!”

His final days were most memorable when he managed to infiltrate a local prostitution ring. Although he failed to report the criminal activity, he made it easier for the police to bust the organization by bringing prostitutes to town meetings and county fairs while drunkenly shouting, “Make prostitution taxable! Will it then be legal?!”

So, we say farewell to Chiz and the many lasting memories he’s grace our community with including an uncontrollable outbreak of herpes and a radioactive, uninhabitable section of town.

P.S. I’m not really dead.

21 comments:

  1. I was actually expecting a picture. And will it be legal if it is taxed?? Prostitution that is.

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    1. And, by popular demand, there is a picture (a pretty old one at that). I'm not really a skinhead; it was just a botched haircut.

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    2. And, I believe that if prostitution is taxed, it will become legal by law. Probably. I think.

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  2. Carrots and celery, huh? Which vegetable represented which side?

    -Barb the French Bean

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    1. Well it depends on which battle. I usually make the carrots the losing army because I eat the dead and I like carrots better. Although, celery and peanut butter is pretty damn good too. It all depends on what I'm in the mood for.

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  3. Black market sloth meat? Where does one get in on that... Hypothetically?

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    1. Meet me at the corner of 10th and Reach at 0500.

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  4. You're not dead? You made me cry for nothing! (I'm actually laughing but that's not the point!):)

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    1. I'm sorry. I'm just prepping my own obituary. Nothing wrong with that right?

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  5. I went to the funeral. I'd never thought of having "baby got back" as my funeral march, but after hearing it at yours, I think I may have to change my mind. It's a shame those prostitutes dropped the coffin though.

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    1. Funerals are supposed to be a time of celebration and awkward sexual encounters.

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  6. Ugh! Celery is the food of the devil. No wonder you died while eating it. Although glad you rose from the dead to carry on this dratted A-Z (how exhausting is it??).

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    1. Oh, it is horrifically exhausting. I ran out of reserve post a while ago. Although, I have 'T' done; so once I reach that point I'll have a little breather.

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  7. RIP (Rite Ing Posts) Its sad to hear that your dead! I too understand how easy it is to confuse a group of animals with a rock, it almost got me once! Glad to see that you lived through to the end of time and all the way through the begining of time but till 62bc! The dinosaur years are some of the coolest times! But it saddens me to think you'll never get to live through the reign of Calugula or the dark ages, or even the cowboy days! But I take comfort that you at least got to experience the end of time itself.

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    1. Yeah, it's strange. It wasn't a meteor that killed the dinosaurs, but rather a rough fallout after a risky game of poker that resulted in a war amongst all species.

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  8. Traveling through the A-Z challenge and stopping here to say hi :)Happy alphabet! Glad you are still alive and kicking =)

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    1. Thanks! I checked out your blog and really enjoyed it! I'm following it now.

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  9. Will sloth meat be made available at the funeral? If the answer is 'yes', I'll be there, but only for the meat, and to nail any hot men in attendance.

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    1. I can promise you some grade-A sloth meat. I can't do anything about the attendance of men thought.

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  10. Farewell Chiz. We hardly knew ye.

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    1. Thank you, kind sir. I hardly knew me. *cue depressing piano music*

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