Saturday, April 14, 2012

M is for Monkeys of the Finger Variety


If When I become rich, I’m not going to squander my wealth in frivolous things such as cars, houses, reconstructive penis surgery, or charity. No, I’m going to invest in an army of finger monkeys (a.k.a. pygmy marmosets). Why finger monkeys? Well, I’m going to construct a bit of a social experiment with said finger monkeys.
For science!
In my newly acquired gigantic pool purchased with straight-up cash, I will build an artificial island. I will fill the island with bonsai trees and create a self-sustaining environment complete with minnows swimming around in the pool (Those things will look like great whites to the finger monkeys. Am I right? Haha! I’m right, aren’t I? Yeah). I’ll then surround the pool in an artificial sky (You know, so the finger monkeys don’t know they’re in a pool).

Once the island of Chizopolotopialand is complete, I will herd the finger monkeys into a box and secure little bags, blindfolds, or thimbles over their heads. I will then dress in a ceremonial gown and headdress (this part will make sense in a bit). Entering Chizopolotopialand, I will release the monkeys onto the island whilst I remove their bags/blindfolds/thimbles. The first thing they will see is me in all my lavish glory donning beautiful garments and granting them the gift of sight. I will then bestow upon them sumptuous delicacies such as mushy bananas and Oreos. I will return everyday and bequeath them these bountiful nourishments, and they will build monuments in favor to my magnificence.

After a few days, I will return to the finger monkeys with miniature sweater vests. However, I will only gift these sweater vests to half of the finger monkeys and disappear into the artificial sky. They will be glorious sweater vests with shiny faux jewels. The monkeys will gratefully accept my endowment. Yet, the sweater vestless monkeys will be overcome with jealousy and begin to hate the sweater vest finger monkeys.

I’m assuming the rise in tensions will result in the creation of two separate factions. The island will be divided down the middle. After an allotted time, the monkeys will grow to respect their boarders; this is when I will bestow upon them one more gift. In the cover of night, I will deliver miniature swords and shields along their beaches. When the monkeys arise in the morning, they will discover the foreign weaponry littering their beaches and will learn the true destructive power of steel.

The finger monkeys now have the resources to protect themselves… and retaliate. Tensions will once again rise as the monkeys flaunt their newfound weaponry from opposite sides of the boarder. Further and further the finger monkeys intimidate each other, until one monkey decides to finally lash out. With the first clang of metal on metal, I will rush to the island and view the commencement of The Sweater Vest Finger Monkey War. While the battle rages on, I will have a boom box blaring this song:
Once the war is over and only a few finger monkeys remain, I will build a fulsome paradise for the finger monkeys to live on for eternity (or like 2 years or however long they live).
Yeah, something like this.

Also, I will record the results or something.

I should be banned from Blogger.

30 comments:

  1. Or at least from ever owing finger monkeys. Poor little guys. LOL

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    1. I only have the power of influence. What they choose to do with their gifts is not in my control.

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  2. That's as good a reason to get rich as I've ever heard. Godspeed sir.

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    1. Thanks! It is for science, after all.

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  3. (guffaws like a prize twat) I'm getting a little bit scared of what's going on in your head!

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    1. Besides all the alcohol sloshing around, there's really not too much up there.

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  4. This is your best idea yet! It will be a war of cuteness :)

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    1. I thought it would be an educating experience to say the least.

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  5. I so want to see this! It sounds amazing.

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    1. It absolutely sounds awesome. I'll record the experiment and make it into a reality show.

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  6. OH WOW! I didn't know they made monkeys for my FINGERS! You have just changed my life. All of my goals are now being revised to include finger monkeys.

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    1. I know! I almost puked due to the unwavering cuteness of these things!

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  7. I never even knew those monkeys existed. I think your plan is perfect. Who wouldn't want to be lord of all the finger monkeys?

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    1. Thanks! It will certainly be exciting to say the least... the very least.

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  8. Actually you should just be banned from monkeys...like a restraining order-type ban. That was just, just a, very creative! How your mind works should be studied by science. Did you believe the Lord Of The Flies was a true story??

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    1. You mean it's not?! I bought what I thought was the real conch shell from the book from a gentleman in a back alley.

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  9. Watching "Diego" is never going to be the same for me after reading this post. (I'm not saying that's a bad thing.)

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    1. Maybe instead of sweater vests, I should give them boots. If I've learned anything from that show. It's that monkeys love boots.

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  10. I've heard of spider monkeys before, but never finger monkeys. Such a creative story for the little guys....lots of fun:)

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed my twisted experimental draft... thing.

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  11. And to think that it will all succumb to a bunch of sweater vests. Good thing you didn't give them oil and Apple products. :P

    -Barb the French Bean

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    1. Well I'm pretty sure the next iPad comes in finger monkey size. So, maybe you're on to something

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  12. I am not sure I like them. Those things look like mold.
    If you get the finger monkeys, can you have them ride beetles?

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    1. It'll be like Fern Gully! That is an excellent idea!

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  13. I'm glad to see that finger monkeys exist. Why, only a few days ago I was looking at my hands and I thought "you know, my fingers could really use some simian-based accessories".

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    1. I think you can customize the monkeys to be diamond encrusted too.

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  14. Fun - I've never heard of finger monkeys before.

    Michelle :)
    www.michelle-pickett.com/blog

    From A to Z Challenge

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    1. Thanks! I'm glad you now know the epicness of miniature primates.

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  15. Fun,
    I also have never heard this monkey before..
    Until I find some info on this site
    fingermonkey.org

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    1. Thanks for linking the site. I feel so much more informed!

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