Wednesday, April 11, 2012

J is for Job Interview


Good work! You landed an interview for your dream job! However, you’re not quite prepared for the onslaught of perspiration-inducing questions that are about to be blasted at your face, are you? Relax. Relax. That’s what you’ve got my blog for. May I introduce to you, Chiz’s List of Job Interview Tips! Below are some tips that will help you make a brilliant first impression on your soon-to-be boss.

Grow a Mustache
So phresh.
Nothing says experience like a big ol’ bushy mustache. When you walk into the office, everyone’s going to be looking at your healthy mustache and admire your sense of style. I guarantee your future boss will be foaming at the mouth as he/she attempts to withhold his/her passionate desire to dive face first into that luscious, upper-lip mane. You will undoubtedly be receiving your desired salary as the boss is unwavering hypnotized by your manly/womanly mustache and its constant flow. 

Skip the Suit and Tie

Yes, you read correctly. Suits and ties are about as overdone as flame-broiled toast. All you got to do is show up in one of these bad boys:
I don't know, but there's something about this guy.
It says, I like to party, but I’m also all about business. Your boss will be screeching Eureka! as he/she finally gets a break from the ordinary, dreary looking interviewees that frequent his/her office. Who knows, maybe the boss will grant you blessing to wed his/her offspring. Jimmy, give that man my daughter’s number and home address.

Wear a Watch

Well, you’ll have to do more than just wear a watch. During the interview, constantly check your watch. The boss will cut the interview short thinking that you have somewhere important to go limiting the time you need to talk. Remember, the less you talk, the smarter you sound. Also, the watch will put the boss at the mercy of your time. Make him believe he comes second. That way he/she will strive for your attention and possibly even hire you on the spot.
Let's speed this up, I got an arm waxing appointment at noon.

Bring along a Joke Book
"What do you call a bee that's having a bad hair day? A Frisbee!"
This tip is necessary in case the first three steps fail to deliver (which is highly unlikely). At the first sign of disinterest, whip this baby out and unleash a tidal wave of knock-knock and yo’ momma jokes. Your future boss will be rendered speechless as he attempts to cling to life due to the utterly hilarious one-liners. 
If you believe these simple steps have helped you tremendously, feel free to send me 10% of your paycheck. Your generous donations will go towards the Chiz Foundation.
The Chiz Foundation is a non-profit organization that helps Chiz move out of his parent’s basement.

30 comments:

  1. Hey there Chiz :0)

    Loved you post for J day and had to add your blog to today's A.D.'s FAV 5! http://adduling.wordpress.com/

    A.D.

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    1. Excellent! I'm glad you enjoyed my advice, and thanks for adding me to your FAV 5!

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  2. Loved your post. :) I had someone ask me once, "you do those?" That day I probably could have answered a lot of ways, but she made it easier to not select her. :) Another job where I was assistant, the manager would hire anyone who showed up- breathing which made my job training them harder.

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    1. I had a boss like that. He would literally hire bums to work alongside me. They were always asking for cash.

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  3. The guy in the first pic, it's like he's peering into my soul. Give that man a job!

    Also: would it be a fashion faux pas to sport the suit-and-tie t-shirt while having one's hair styled in a mullet? That would bring the business-party 'tude to come to a full circle.

    -Barb the French Bean

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    1. That would be an absolutely incredible idea! The shirt says, 'I like to party while also being about business', and the mullet would tie it all together by saying, 'I'm partying while I'm doing business with you.'

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  4. That tuxedo shirt is at once both amazing and awful. Hilarious post.

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    1. It is sexually disturbing you might say? Thanks!

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  5. Funny. But in the future, if you use my picture you should at least ask my permission. Professional courtesy and all that.

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    1. I am truly sorry. Can I keep it up for the time being?

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  6. I did a double take when I first saw that picture of the guy. He looks just like my brother. No wonder he has trouble finding a job.

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    1. Well, he sure as hell better have that mustache or he doesn't stand a chance at a job.

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  7. Excellent tips and right on track for today's market! *giggle*
    I'm stopping by from the A to Z Challenge. I'm looking forward to reading your posts.
    Giggle, Laugh, Cry

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    1. Thanks! And, yeah, it was through arduous market analysis that I came up with these foolproof tips.

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  8. The last promotion I received, was entirely down to the hairs above my upper lip...or it might be because I slept with the boss, I forget which.

    A joy as always!

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    1. I am most certain that the mustache play a key role.

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  9. I find that when I grow out my sweet 'stache, people give me anything I ask for.

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  10. You know somebody somewhere is going to try this out thinking it is real proven advice. God would THAT be hilarious to watch and post on youtube!!!

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    1. I really do hope someone's trying this, and maybe it'll work and I'll be hired as some sort of job interview specialist.

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  11. what a great "J"! I actually had a job interview today (a short phone interview) and it went well--too bad my mustache wasn't visible through the phone, but I did get a joke or two in. ;)

    I'm also reading the book Spin by Catherine McKenzie, where the heroine shows up to her dream job interview drunk! Yikes.

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    1. Good work including the jokes! Phone interviews can be tough.

      Oh, and I should have included that tip! Being drunk at an interview limbers you up and reveals that you are just a normal person who like the occasional drink or 7.

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  12. Hah! I love it.

    My best interview was for a job I didn't particularly want or need... I loved feeling like I was being pursued by the employer, and I think it gave me a confidence that I wouldn't have had otherwise. In the end, they offered the job, a full $7,000 higher than they'd wanted to, AND a 3k signing bonus. Unfortunately it was still lower than what I was making by a few grand.

    I bet if I had that joke book, I'd have gotten them higher.

    =]V[=
    The Brew Newb

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    1. Well, I'd be will to lower my salary for a more entertaining job also. Also, that's a great feeling when the employer is pursuing you, and not the other way around..

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  13. I've done all of these, works every time, and they love my tache! :)

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    1. The mustache is the most important part. I'm glad you were able to don one for every interview.

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  14. Someone I once worked with was so perplexed when she didn't get a job she had recently had an interview for. She looked at me and said "well I took a coffee with me into the interview, do you think that was wrong?". I was speechless.
    Another great post Mr. Chiz. Your blog is amazing! Someone should be paying you to do this stuff! Looking forward to future posts!

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    1. Haha, yeah, I usually overdress for low paying job interviews. I wore a suit to a Dunkin' Donuts interview once.

      And, thanks for the encouraging words!

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