Good work! You landed an interview for your dream job! However, you’re not quite prepared for the onslaught of perspiration-inducing questions that are about to be blasted at your face, are you? Relax. Relax. That’s what you’ve got my blog for. May I introduce to you, Chiz’s List of Job Interview Tips! Below are some tips that will help you make a brilliant first impression on your soon-to-be boss.
Grow a Mustache
Nothing says experience like a big ol’ bushy mustache. When you walk into the office, everyone’s going to be looking at your healthy mustache and admire your sense of style. I guarantee your future boss will be foaming at the mouth as he/she attempts to withhold his/her passionate desire to dive face first into that luscious, upper-lip mane. You will undoubtedly be receiving your desired salary as the boss is unwavering hypnotized by your manly/womanly mustache and its constant flow.
Skip the Suit and Tie
Yes, you read correctly. Suits and ties are about as overdone as flame-broiled toast. All you got to do is show up in one of these bad boys:
I don't know, but there's something about this guy.
It says, I like to party, but I’m also all about business. Your boss will be screeching Eureka! as he/she finally gets a break from the ordinary, dreary looking interviewees that frequent his/her office. Who knows, maybe the boss will grant you blessing to wed his/her offspring. Jimmy, give that man my daughter’s number and home address.
Wear a Watch
Well, you’ll have to do more than just wear a watch. During the interview, constantly check your watch. The boss will cut the interview short thinking that you have somewhere important to go limiting the time you need to talk. Remember, the less you talk, the smarter you sound. Also, the watch will put the boss at the mercy of your time. Make him believe he comes second. That way he/she will strive for your attention and possibly even hire you on the spot.
Let's speed this up, I got an arm waxing appointment at noon.
Bring along a Joke Book
"What do you call a bee that's having a bad hair day? A Frisbee!"
This tip is necessary in case the first three steps fail to deliver (which is highly unlikely). At the first sign of disinterest, whip this baby out and unleash a tidal wave of knock-knock and yo’ momma jokes. Your future boss will be rendered speechless as he attempts to cling to life due to the utterly hilarious one-liners.
If you believe these simple steps have helped you tremendously, feel free to send me 10% of your paycheck. Your generous donations will go towards the Chiz Foundation.
The Chiz Foundation is a non-profit organization that helps Chiz move out of his parent’s basement.