Monday, April 9, 2012

H is for Hooker


I occasionally go fishing, but it seems that every time I go, I have trouble hooking my line.

One day, I finally decided to see someone about my issue. I consulted a friend of mine, Billy, who seemed to have no problem hooking up seeing as he was constantly bragging about it. When I visited him, he seemed to be preoccupied with watching lewd videos on the internet; so as to not waste his time, I skipped the small talk and flat-out told him: “I’m having problems with hooking up.”

He stared at me for a brief moment, then handed me a card. It read Chet’s Brothel. I assumed ‘brothel’ was a fishing term of some sort. “Excellent,” I added. “Just as a heads up, should I be using any specific line?”  I asked Billy.

“No need for a line,” he replied. “Just tell him I sent you.”

No line? I guess Chet will provide me with one. “And, I’m assuming I should bring my rod along?” Billy just stared at me and chuckled. I thought it was a silly question to begin with. Of course I should bring my rod. How else would I learn to hook my line?

Billy resumed watching his erotic films, and I headed over to the corner of 13th and Catch with my rod. I wandered back and forth along the sidewalk, but for the life of me, I could not find the place. I finally caved in and asked the kind-looking gentleman smoking a Pez dispenser next to an alleyway where I could find the brothel. The gentleman looked around, and then pointed over his shoulder, down the alleyway. I should’ve expected a fishing shop to be low-key. There can’t be a high demand for fishing supplies in the city.

I ventured down the alleyway and walked down a corridor to my right. The place probably didn’t get a lot of business because it appeared that they were barely affording their electricity with all the flickering lights.
I finally reached the end of the corridor and opened the door. A heavy stench wafted through. It smelled like fish; this must be the place. 

I walked up to the man at the front desk and requested help with hooking up. For some strange reason he was eyeing my rod in a curious fashion. The man told me he had a variety of hookers. They all had strange names: Lola Lickletter, Scarlett Buhdamn, Portia the Portly Praying Mantis. However, there was one that bore the name of a true hooker, Wendy The Wide-Mouthed Trout. If any of them knew much about fishing, it was sure as hell her.

He showed me to her office, and I walked in. She was sitting on a bed in the middle of the room in a bathing suit, as is custom with fisherwomen I presume. I inquired about hooking up, and without warning, she pounced off the bed and attacked me. She tried tearing off my clothes! I reacted quickly and whipped her with my fishing rod. She finally backed down, and I bolted out of the brothel.

To this day I don’t know what set this crazy woman off. Perhaps she was so insulted that a rookie fisherman such as I disgraced her brothel with such an embarrassing inquiry as hooking up.
I don't know. Just go with it. Everyone gets one... or two.

38 comments:

  1. I'm randomly visiting a to z challengers that catch my eye. You turned down a free Hooker?!

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    Replies
    1. Well, she seemed intent on doing much more than helping me with my fishing problem.

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  2. A hooker with an office? What kind of fancy, high-class brothels are you frequenting?

    Also, that mermaid is horrifying, but at least she has the right parts. How useless is the typical mermaid with a hot face, a huge rack, and... a fish vagina? Ewww.

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    1. Well, the office had a fairly decent bed and a beautiful few of a brick wall. It was quite the fanciful brothel.

      And, I agree. They finally got the bottom half correct. Things can only get better from here on out.

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  3. Clever very clever, or stupid.LMAO.

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    Replies
    1. Definitely got some characteristics of stupid in there.

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  4. LOL, very funny! But it smelled like fish? Ewwwwwwwwe! LOL

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    1. That's what most of the brothels I go to smell like.

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  5. oh, those hookers!

    it took me a long time to learn how to hook on my own. did you know that you can hook up with your bare hands?!

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    1. Wow, you can hook with your bare hands? No protection needed?

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  6. o_O This certainly gives a new meaning to the term "playing fishy"...

    http://twobeansornottwobeans.blogspot.com/2012/04/playing-fishy-on-poisson-davril.html

    -Barb the French Bean

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    Replies
    1. I took 7 years of French in school. Although, I can't actually speak French, I am somewhat familiar with Poisson d'Avril.

      And, wow, I haven't seen a Costco in ages. Didn't know they were still around.

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  7. Replies
    1. Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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  8. Arrrrgh! I could scream at your geniusness...genii...geniousity...cleverness.

    Admit it, you had these posts written 6 months ago, because you're A-Z are brilliant. I seriously cannot praise you enough!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Lily!

      And, I had this post done last week. Unfortunately, I only have up to J completed so far. I'm going to need to pick up the pace a bit.

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  9. I think you should have asked her if she had worms.

    Funny!

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    1. Ah, why didn't I think of that! That would be perfect! You have bested me, Deathwriter.

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  10. She attacked you because you clearly knew more about hooking then she did, and she felt threatened! :)

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    1. Oh, so the student surpassed the teacher is what you're saying?

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  11. There's a bait and tackle shop a few blocks from where I live. It used to be a porn shop. True story.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, really? Who owns it? I might know them.

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  12. Sounds like a typical bait-and-switch story. So reel that hookah in and fill the pipe again!

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    Replies
    1. I tell it to all my pals down at the docks.

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  13. Okay, I know I can be slower from time to time, but I'm left wondering did you really do this? I imagine it wouldn't have been such a "dense" experience, but something similar? I was highly entertained, but I need to know how close to truth this is (I feel like a gullible, confused dope right now). Save me! And if its not true, I demand an equally embarrassing story about yourself.

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    Replies
    1. It's unfortunately not true. However, I did hug a strange man thinking it was my father. Twice.

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    2. That is funny, especially because you were that confused twice. I feel better.

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  14. Sounds like you had a reel problem here.

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    1. If only I could figure out what she attacked me a-boat... Nevermind. Yours was better.

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  15. Fish is gross! I only eat meat. Unless that's a Euphemism. 'Cause I'm not gay. Unless sleeping with men makes you gay.

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    1. No, I don't think so. The Romans did it and they did gladitorial stuff. That was pretty manly.

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  16. Love this! It was fun to read. Sounds like an angler's story to me...

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    Replies
    1. You should hear the stories now that I know how to hook up.

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  17. Very funny post! But I'm still confused, I assume (like you) she attacked you with her half naked body cause of your lame question, but I'm kinda suspisious that she may have actually attacked you to steal your rod! Never go back to that place! There probably theives who pretend to know fishing stuff just to steal peoples equiptment!

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    1. There's no telling what she was trying to do. The only thought running through my head was tightening the grip on my rod and jerking it away from her grasp.

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    2. If only your rod could shoot something out of it! That would scare her away!

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