Saturday, April 7, 2012

G is for Gum Control


We’ve all been there: sliding our hand along a wall or reaching under a desk and feeling that solidified wad of spit-absorbent known as chewing gum. Needless to say, this horrific event oftentimes unleashes a ferocious flood of regret and despair as we contemplate amputating our hand to cease the spread of perhaps damaging germs.

I believe strict laws should be implemented to deter run-ins with these monstrous injustices. I demand some Gum Control!

Why can’t we all chew gum to counteract the assaults over other’s landmines? Because that will obviously increase the chances of endangerment. The more people chewing gum, the more prone we are to gum violence. Pretty soon the streets will be littered with landmines; you won’t be able to take a step without someone putting a wad of gum between the treads of your shoes. You’ll probably have to buy tread-less shoes or something.

That’s why I stand behind the banishment of all gum and such related violent chewing materials. If there’s no gum to be chewed, then gum on shoe violence will be extremely rare (statistics say even less so for gum on hand violence).
We must protest! Bring the children along!
*UPDATE*

We’ve succeeded in outlawing gum and related chewing materials from the U.S. We are victorious! No longer will we have to live with the fear that a piece of gum is awaiting us around every corner, door, and back alley. Let the treaded shoe market reign supreme!

*UPDATE*

Unfortunately, due to the banishment of gum and related chewing material, children and teens have resorted to illegally purchasing homemade gum. This homemade gum (known as Glum on the streets) has claimed the lives of several American citizens due to the ingredients it’s processed with. Glum’s three main ingredients are cat feces, poison, and gum. I am deeply sorry for the loss of any family members or friends due to this heinous illegal substance.

The Gum Control Initiative is hereby abolished. Gum and related chewing materials are now free to be sold in stores with the proper licensing.

Don't hurt yourself trying to read into this. It's not a political statement.

28 comments:

  1. Funny! At the movie theater here on island, the owner stands and takes tickets. If your are chewing gum he makes you pit it in the trash can. He has his own form of 'gum control'.

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    1. What an inspirational gentleman!

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  2. I had no idea people still chewed up. That is so 1990s.

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    1. It's making a comeback like skinny jeans and Raybans.

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  3. Hahaha I too have been the victim of gum violence. The most offensive, in my opinion is a full on gum in hair assault. Maybe people pass a test before they get gum. Question: you have been chewing a piece of gum for an hour (or a minute if it is Fruit Striped gum). It is now has no taste and feels like you are chewing a BB. What do you do?

    Great post! Very funny.

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    1. Well, usually when delinquents don't have the funds to afford another pack, they will often chew the same piece of gum to fight back the withdrawals.

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  4. You Sir, are a genius! That is all...

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    1. Some call it that. But, your are the genius realistically.

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  5. Never thought to use gum as a weapon before, ooh... :)

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    1. Oh, I better not have started an epidemic.

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  6. That's a really funny post. Happy blogging!! Visit my blog http://up-n-downs-of-life.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thanks for the visit and the feedback!

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  7. Hahahahahahah! Great G post! Gum control!

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  8. Maybe not politcial but funny as hell! Nice one dude...I had flashbacks of the WalMart parking lot in the hot Texas summer.

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    1. Oh, goodness. Not WalMart. That place is the hub for gum violence.

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  9. I just found several packs of glum in my kid's dresser drawer! This has gotten out of control

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    1. Ah, that's a toughie. Confronting him/her is half the battle.

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  10. Hahahaha this is hilarious! The underneath of desks at my school are covered with gum

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    1. School desks have the highest percentage of gum violence.

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  11. The danger is not in the gum itself. It's people that are the problem. Gum doesn't just stick to the bottom of desks on it's own, people have to chew it up, spit it out and stick it there. Gum control is just going to punish the responsible gum owners instead of focusing on the real criminals.

    Haha--sorry, I just couldn't resist playing devil's advocate in the case against gum control. Hilarious post.

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    1. Don't worry. I completely understand.

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  12. Ugh... I hate when that happens... ><

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    1. It's the worst violence there is.

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  13. Will these gum laws also extend to the fleshy pink stuff surrounding teeth?

    -Barb the French Bean

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    1. If people somehow discover how to dispose of it on public sidewalks, then yes.

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  14. Putting you hand on someone's previously chewed gum is one of the most horrendous sensations you can experience. It's almost as bad as catching a brown football in the park, or accidentally calling the teacher "mum".

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    1. Ah, I used to call my teachers "mum" on a regular basis. Horrible childhood demons have come back to haunt me. LEAVE ME BE!

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