We’ve all been there: sliding our hand along a wall or reaching under a desk and feeling that solidified wad of spit-absorbent known as chewing gum. Needless to say, this horrific event oftentimes unleashes a ferocious flood of regret and despair as we contemplate amputating our hand to cease the spread of perhaps damaging germs.
I believe strict laws should be implemented to deter run-ins with these monstrous injustices. I demand some Gum Control!
Why can’t we all chew gum to counteract the assaults over other’s landmines? Because that will obviously increase the chances of endangerment. The more people chewing gum, the more prone we are to gum violence. Pretty soon the streets will be littered with landmines; you won’t be able to take a step without someone putting a wad of gum between the treads of your shoes. You’ll probably have to buy tread-less shoes or something.
That’s why I stand behind the banishment of all gum and such related violent chewing materials. If there’s no gum to be chewed, then gum on shoe violence will be extremely rare (statistics say even less so for gum on hand violence).
We must protest! Bring the children along!
We’ve succeeded in outlawing gum and related chewing materials from the U.S. We are victorious! No longer will we have to live with the fear that a piece of gum is awaiting us around every corner, door, and back alley. Let the treaded shoe market reign supreme!
Unfortunately, due to the banishment of gum and related chewing material, children and teens have resorted to illegally purchasing homemade gum. This homemade gum (known as Glum on the streets) has claimed the lives of several American citizens due to the ingredients it’s processed with. Glum’s three main ingredients are cat feces, poison, and gum. I am deeply sorry for the loss of any family members or friends due to this heinous illegal substance.
The Gum Control Initiative is hereby abolished. Gum and related chewing materials are now free to be sold in stores with the proper licensing.
Don't hurt yourself trying to read into this. It's not a political statement.