The judge began counting down. 5… 4… My heart felt as if it were bursting through my chest. 3… 2… The sounds of children being crushed by the overwhelming crowd made me shutter. 1! …And so began the 74th Annual County Egg Hunt.
I was frozen in fear, but the flood of edgy children forced me onward. I advanced at a steady sprint. The battlefield erupted in violence as children were nearly decapitated by flailing egg baskets. I found myself leaping over trampled opponents barely clinging to life. The numbers were growing thin as I moved farther away from the pack.
It wasn’t long before I spotted the first objective: a shiny gold egg approximately 25 feet northeast. I adjusted my course in line with the dormant egg. I reached the egg and leaned over to collect the prize. I hadn’t lifted the ball of plastic an inch off the ground when a rival child pounced on my arm. I shrieked in pain as my opponent was visible attempting to amputate my appendage. It must have been through sheer adrenaline that aloud me to lift the child up and smashed him into a tree. I nearly vomited when I heard the horrific snap of his spine fracturing, but there was no time to wallow in regret.
Before long, I had gathered a hearty bunch of eggs. I took a moment to study the landscape. Children lay bloodied on the tear soaked soil. I saw a mother attempt to aid her child whose head was lodged in the handle of his basket.
Another hour passed, and I heard the gun shot signaling the end of the hunt. I bolted back to the finish line with my hefty collection of eggs. I was almost home free, when I heard footsteps approaching from my flank. Bam! I saw stars as I collapsed to the ground. It took me moments to recuperate. That’s when I saw a child pilfering my scattered eggs.
“NO!,” I shouted as I tackled the child to the ground. I pinned him, and I raised my fist. Before I could rain down a fury of fists, my opponent unleashed an Indian burn the likes of which I had never witnessed. I launched myself backward to escape his grip. He was already in route to deliver a final blow. That’s when I saw the boulder lying next to me. I quickly gripped the rock and flung it at the child’s face. Blood spouted from his nose as he immediately let loose a tsunami of tears. I collected my rightful prizes and continued onward to the finish line.
The eggs were counted and counted once more. It was unanimously settled upon, and I was crowned victor of the 74th Annual County Egg Hunt.
And that is the story of how I was the first 23 year old to ever win the County Egg Hunt.
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