Thursday, April 5, 2012

E is for Easter

They herded us like cattle to the starting line. I was almost nudged beyond the dedicated point, but I persistently held my ground. There’s no telling what would happen to me should I stumble beyond the starting line before the preliminary signal. Would I trip a landmine? A bullet to the head, perhaps? I couldn’t think such things. My only focus was to bar back the onslaught of impatient opponents.

The judge began counting down. 5… 4… My heart felt as if it were bursting through my chest. 3… 2… The sounds of children being crushed by the overwhelming crowd made me shutter. 1! …And so began the 74th Annual County Egg Hunt.

 I was frozen in fear, but the flood of edgy children forced me onward. I advanced at a steady sprint. The battlefield erupted in violence as children were nearly decapitated by flailing egg baskets. I found myself leaping over trampled opponents barely clinging to life. The numbers were growing thin as I moved farther away from the pack.

It wasn’t long before I spotted the first objective: a shiny gold egg approximately 25 feet northeast. I adjusted my course in line with the dormant egg. I reached the egg and leaned over to collect the prize. I hadn’t lifted the ball of plastic an inch off the ground when a rival child pounced on my arm. I shrieked in pain as my opponent was visible attempting to amputate my appendage. It must have been through sheer adrenaline that aloud me to lift the child up and smashed him into a tree. I nearly vomited when I heard the horrific snap of his spine fracturing, but there was no time to wallow in regret.

Before long, I had gathered a hearty bunch of eggs. I took a moment to study the landscape. Children lay bloodied on the tear soaked soil. I saw a mother attempt to aid her child whose head was lodged in the handle of his basket.

Another hour passed, and I heard the gun shot signaling the end of the hunt. I bolted back to the finish line with my hefty collection of eggs. I was almost home free, when I heard footsteps approaching from my flank.  Bam! I saw stars as I collapsed to the ground. It took me moments to recuperate. That’s when I saw a child pilfering my scattered eggs.

NO!,” I shouted as I tackled the child to the ground. I pinned him, and I raised my fist. Before I could rain down a fury of fists, my opponent unleashed an Indian burn the likes of which I had never witnessed. I launched myself backward to escape his grip. He was already in route to deliver a final blow. That’s when I saw the boulder lying next to me. I quickly gripped the rock and flung it at the child’s face. Blood spouted from his nose as he immediately let loose a tsunami of tears. I collected my rightful prizes and continued onward to the finish line.

The eggs were counted and counted once more. It was unanimously settled upon, and I was crowned victor of the 74th Annual County Egg Hunt.

And that is the story of how I was the first 23 year old to ever win the County Egg Hunt.

This is a submission to Dude Write 11. It's an archive because I haven't written anything of substance recently. Click on the link to read content from some of the best bloggers I know.

48 comments:

  1. wow, sounds pretty intense!
    anyway, i love your blog! definately following!
    f-a-i-r-y-l-i-g-h-t-s.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks! And, I just started following your blog. I could tell immediately that the title of your blog was somewhat of a fascade.

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  2. Congratulations. Better get that Indian Burn checked out, they can be nasty.

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    1. The scars will remind me of the fateful day.

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  3. Now I know to steer clear of egg hunts!

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    1. Yeh, that was the most intense easter egg hunt I've ever read about.

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    2. This may be my last egg hunt. Unless I'm picked once more at the Peeping (oh, that's punny).

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  4. Chiz, you really do have a great talent for storytelling, which has me slightly in awe but mostly annoyed that you're so damned funny!
    Really really loving your posts!

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    1. Wow, I really appreciate the awesome feedback, but you shouldn't be annoyed because your posts are ridiculously hilarious.

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  5. Haha only you can make an egg hunt sound this, er, exciting! Congratulations on your well earned victory :)

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    1. Thanks! It was a hard fought battle; I barely came away with the vistory... although I said it was unanimous.

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  6. Screw the Hunger Games. THIS ought to have been adapted to film. Nice one!

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    1. Agreed! :D

      -Barb the French Bean

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    2. Thanks! I'll pitch it to a few agents and see what they think.

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  7. Holy Shit! This was the hunger games before there was Hunger Games! Well played.

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    1. There was nourishment in those tiny plastic eggs, and I was sure as hell hungry.

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    1. That an egg hunt could be so brutal?

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  9. I never went on an egg hunt....or at least, I don't think I did, lol. I can't believe it's Easter! I totally forgot about it sorta, until yesterday. With the week I'm having, it probably could have passed me by and I wouldn't have even noticed, come this time next week.

    ~Nicole
    Blog: The Madlab Post
    @MadlabPost on Twitter

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    1. Yeah, I was surprised last weekend when I heard Easter was only a week away.

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  10. Well the organisers bought it on themselves by calling it a "hunt". You can't have a hunt without some casualties.

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    1. Something that lives and breathes must die for it to be considered a hunt.

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  11. That is truely a triumphant victory! This reminded me of the Hunger games (Easter Edition)!

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    1. I felt like I was in The Hunger Games. I had to dismember my opponents to come out victorious.

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  12. All is fair in love and egg hunting. Those kids knew what they were in for when they signed that dotted line. 'No mercy!' was your battle cry. Let all future egg hunters tremble at the sound of your name in hallowed halls of Easter Sunday.

    Great post Chiz, enjoyed it.

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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    1. Thanks, Michael! I still have flashbacks of that day, but it was all worth it to assert my dominance and my ability to hunt for Easter eggs. I am a respected adult, now.

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  13. You fought the good fight, Chiz! You emerged without egg on your face. ;) So funny - I love the picture. HA!

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    1. Thanks, it took be about 42 hours to complete the picture. And, the fight was worth forever holding the title of the grand victor of the 74th Annual Easter Egg Hunt.

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  14. I loved the build up! I was truly on the line with you. The revelation at the end was hysterical.

    WG

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    1. Thanks, Wily Guy! Yeah, I never joke of a good ol' East Egg hunt. I was bred to be a champion... of Easter Egg hunts.

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  15. Was that an Easter Egg hunt or a fourth book in the Hunger Games series?

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    1. I'll pitch it to Collins, but I'm pretty sure she has more than enough money. But there's no sense in not trying. Let's just hope she doesn't sue me for plagiarism.

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  16. My kid only has one testicle now, thanks to you.

    I hope you're happy. You may have won, but at what price?

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    1. I deeply apologize. If it's any consolation, I can share my winnings of 34 Hershey's Kisses, 4 Reese's Cups, and 12 Chocolate Coins to help with the treatments.

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  17. Oh, you are hysterical! Your mother must have been so proud :)

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    1. Oh, she was so pleased that she let me stay up until 10:30pm that night and watch Two and a Half Men with her.

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  18. With this victory, it sounds to me like you may be ready you tackle the water park, the day after school lets out.

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    1. Indeed! I will conquer the Lazy River. No one will be able to stand in my path to glory!

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  19. I grew up in a very small farming town. We had greased pig competitions. Catching a greased pig is difficult enough, but you had to do it while fighting off other kids who wanted the prize and there was only one pig. It got ugly every tear.

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    1. Wow, that sounds incredibly awesome. As weird as it sounds, I would love to participate in such events. Though, I know I'd be the first to break my collar bone or something.

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  20. Screw those kids! Why should they get to have all the fun - prancing around picking up eggs? Little bastards.

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    1. I've been saying that all throughout my adulthood! Hell, I got kicked out of the McDonald's ball pit the other day. How do they expect me to work off all that greasy food?

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  21. Dude, this made me laugh so hard I peed my pants a teeny weeny bit.... ok, more than a teeny weeny bit...
    Awesome post! xD

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    1. Thanks for the kind words, Jamie! I wish you a merry pants washing and hope to cause more soiling of pants in the future.

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  22. Hunger Games meets Easter. I love it!

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    1. The Cornupoia part reminded me of an Easter egg hunt. Just substitute the supply bags with colored eggs.

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