We've all been on the losing side of a heated argument. However, there are measures you can take to ensure that you will never again be on the receiving end of such humiliation. Follow these quick steps to master the art of the argument.
Use swearwords to allot yourself extra time to scrounge up evidence mid-argument or to prolong your rant to hide the facade.
I am going to prove my point by continuously writing in a frenzied fashion and start implementing swears at moments where my judgment begins to fail:
I think our minds are conquered by the media airwaves controlled by the fuckin’ media fat cats. It’s fuckin’ shitty that these fuckin’ fucks can shove corporate bullshit down our throats, and we can’t do a fuckin’ thing about it. Fuckin’ shit, man... fuck.
As you can see, my reasoning collapsed in the very first sentence, but I managed to prolong my airtime by inserting swears during instances where I had no idea what I was talking about.
Abuse those vocal cords!
In an argument, it is vital that you shout your point. Even if you don’t have any supporting evidence to back up your side of the argument, make sure you strain the veins in your neck as you relentlessly yell at the supporters backing the counterargument. Drawn the opposition out. If they can’t get a word in, then there’s less of a chance of them proving you wrong. Here’s an example:
Billy: What websites have been visiting to get a virus such as this?
Chet: Oh, the virus just randomly popped up when I was reading an article on Yahoo.
Billy: I don’t think so. It’s virtually impossible to encounter this virus within such a typical website.
Chet: Well, that’s what happened.
Billy: Do you mind if I search your browsing history to locate the source of the virus?
Chet: No, there’s no need. I got the virus from Yahoo!
Billy: That’s highly unlikely.
Chet: I did, Billy!
Billy: I don’t thi—
Chet: FUCK YOU, BILLY! I DID! YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS!
Billy: Let me just check your browsing history real qu—
Chet: SHUT UP, BILLY! YOU’RE WRONG! I’M RIGHT! JUST FORGET ABOUT IT!
See how Chet won this argument by limiting the opportunity for a counterattack? This is how to properly voice your opinion. It is acceptable, if not assumed, that you leave the argument with a popped blood vessel or two.
YOU'RE WRONG! YOU'RE WRONG! I PAID IT! YOU'RE WRONG!
No matter whether true or false, all your evidence has been obtained from a professional source.
Whenever the opposition attempts to strike down your supporting data, claim that you’ve read the figures from a professional source even if you’ve never read anything along the lines of your argument. This will fashion the unsupported theory into a fact. What better way to prove that you know about the workings of the universe than by throwing out an “I read it somewhere that” followed by a random number or passage?
“I read it somewhere that if you plant a seed on a lily pad, the resulting plant with lower the depth of any size lake by 1 inch.” – Genius
I read that cigarettes lower cholesterol.
Resort to insults.
If you find yourself beginning to lose grip of the argument, immediately fall back on personal insults. Do they have a physical flaw? Target it. Do their beliefs rival those of yours? Call them out on it. Is their sexual preference different? Bring on the slurs.
Billy: See, I told you they sell toupees for dogs!
Chet: YEAH, WELL… AT LEAST I GET LAID HOMO... HAHAHAHA
*exit before counter argument can be proposed*
These techniques will quickly have the opponent reevaluate the verbal altercation.
If all else fails, a healthy alternative is violence.
If you are being mentally dismantled by the opponent’s superior intellect, punch him in the facepussy. Nothing ends an onslaught of verbal destruction than a counteracting roundhouse.
Below is the image of a man who lost an argument:
"I just told him the children's museum was in the other direction."