Tuesday, March 13, 2012

How to Win an Argument


We've all been on the losing side of a heated argument. However, there are measures you can take to ensure that you will never again be on the receiving end of such humiliation. Follow these quick steps to master the art of the argument.

Use swearwords to allot yourself extra time to scrounge up evidence mid-argument or to prolong your rant to hide the facade.

I am going to prove my point by continuously writing in a frenzied fashion and start implementing swears at moments where my judgment begins to fail:

I think our minds are conquered by the media airwaves controlled by the fuckin’ media fat cats. It’s fuckin’ shitty that these fuckin’ fucks can shove corporate bullshit down our throats, and we can’t do a fuckin’ thing about it. Fuckin’ shit, man... fuck.

As you can see, my reasoning collapsed in the very first sentence, but I managed to prolong my airtime by inserting swears during instances where I had no idea what I was talking about.

Abuse those vocal cords!

In an argument, it is vital that you shout your point. Even if you don’t have any supporting evidence to back up your side of the argument, make sure you strain the veins in your neck as you relentlessly yell at the supporters backing the counterargument. Drawn the opposition out. If they can’t get a word in, then there’s less of a chance of them proving you wrong. Here’s an example:

Billy: What websites have been visiting to get a virus such as this?
Chet: Oh, the virus just randomly popped up when I was reading an article on Yahoo.
Billy: I don’t think so. It’s virtually impossible to encounter this virus within such a typical website.
Chet: Well, that’s what happened.
Billy: Do you mind if I search your browsing history to locate the source of the virus?
Chet: No, there’s no need. I got the virus from Yahoo!
Billy: That’s highly unlikely.
Chet: I did, Billy!
Billy: I don’t thi—
Chet: FUCK YOU, BILLY! I DID! YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS!
Billy: Let me just check your browsing history real qu—
Chet: SHUT UP, BILLY! YOU’RE WRONG! I’M RIGHT! JUST FORGET ABOUT IT!
*rage quit*

See how Chet won this argument by limiting the opportunity for a counterattack? This is how to properly voice your opinion. It is acceptable, if not assumed, that you leave the argument with a popped blood vessel or two.


 YOU'RE WRONG! YOU'RE WRONG! I PAID IT! YOU'RE WRONG!

No matter whether true or false, all your evidence has been obtained from a professional source.

Whenever the opposition attempts to strike down your supporting data, claim that you’ve read the figures from a professional source even if you’ve never read anything along the lines of your argument. This will fashion the unsupported theory into a fact. What better way to prove that you know about the workings of the universe than by throwing out an “I read it somewhere that” followed by a random number or passage?

“I read it somewhere that if you plant a seed on a lily pad, the resulting plant with lower the depth of any size lake by 1 inch.” – Genius
I read that cigarettes lower cholesterol.

Resort to insults.

If you find yourself beginning to lose grip of the argument, immediately fall back on personal insults. Do they have a physical flaw? Target it. Do their beliefs rival those of yours? Call them out on it. Is their sexual preference different? Bring on the slurs.

Billy: See, I told you they sell toupees for dogs!
Chet: YEAH, WELL… AT LEAST I GET LAID HOMO... HAHAHAHA
*exit before counter argument can be proposed*

These techniques will quickly have the opponent reevaluate the verbal altercation.

If all else fails, a healthy alternative is violence.

If you are being mentally dismantled by the opponent’s superior intellect, punch him in the facepussy. Nothing ends an onslaught of verbal destruction than a counteracting roundhouse.

Below is the image of a man who lost an argument:
"I just told him the children's museum was in the other direction."

16 comments:

  1. Wait a sec, that bruised face looks like mine after I fell into a barrel of jungle juice while dodging a keg at a frat party many years ago.

    Arguments are inevitable and what better win than by your various methods, unless, of course, the opposition is armed with a pint of vodka, swearing in Russian, and has a Makarov pistol dangling by his side.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That sounds like I pretty epic story. And, well, maybe getting into an argument with Ivan Chernovigoskoviskyov isn't the greatest idea. At that point just avoid contant altogether.

      Delete
  2. There's also the 'Hey... Isn't that... Elvis?' method, whereby you are gone by the time your opponent turns back to tell you that no, it wasn't Elvis - having escaped with the sweet sweet taste of victory.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But, what if there is an Elvis impersonator behind him. Would it still be imperative that the flee the scene, or will you have finally found some truth where you once had none? I don't know what I'm talking about.

      Delete
  3. I win most of my arguments, but I do so by reigniting it days later after I've had chance to come up with a response.

    Mrs Addman: Why didn't you put the bin out last night? Are you stupid?
    Addman: Uh, yeah, probably...

    **2 days later**

    Addman: Wake up! I didn't put the bins out because they weren't full, thus meaning that we threw less away this week to save space, thus saving the environment! POW! How'd you like me now!?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I especially love when that argument you "lost" over a few days ago over a "failed" decision you made actually works out for the best.

      "See! Good thing I didn't go to the doctor's appointment because I would've been molested like the rest of the patients!"

      Delete
  4. It's so simple for us women to win an argument; if it's with a guy just squeeze your babies together, act all stoopid and flutter your eyelashes, if it's with a women, disfigure that pretty lil face of hers! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah girls are pretty ruthless when it comes to arguments. The best thing for a man to do in this case is camp out at the bar overnight.

      Delete
  5. Thanks man, I'm taking this list to work tomorrow...and using it!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There we go. Hound that boss of yours for a raise! Unless of course you are the boss.

      Delete
  6. The best way to win an argument is to be a Colombian mother. Those ladies will guilt trip you before you even leave the house.

    -Barb the French Bean

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good thing I have yet to argue with one. I am horrible at dealing with guilt.

      Delete
  7. I prefer to just mash all these together - scream insults with plenty of swear words while punching their faces. After that, people don't want to argue with me, and preventing an argument always beats being in one... right...?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Touche. I've never wanted to be in an argument with that wild bearded man in the subway.

      Delete
  8. Now I just want to know what your computer history looks like. Although, I fear the computer history of most men. There are some things people aren't meant to know about a person.

    And next time you quote someone, I want you to end by "Genius said that"

    And is that last one Freddie Prinze Jr? You didn't, did you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh course my history is vile. And no, that's not Freddie Prince although he bears a striking resemblance to him.

      Delete