Yesterday I went out on my porch to enjoy a frosty mug of sterile dog urine with what remained of a beautiful day when I saw them. A group of juvenile delinquents were loitering across the street and ruining the ambiance of my quiet neighborhood. Was serenity no longer sacred? Is a little tranquility too much to ask for? This wasn’t the first time these punks loafed about these streets either. I finally had enough. I decided to give them a piece of mind.
I stomped down my driveway making it apparent that I wasn’t approaching with good intensions. Pretty soon I was only a couple feet away from them. The only thing that stood between us was their lemonade stand.
I glared down at the group of them. “Loitering again I see!” I was proud at the force with which I threw my voice.
“Would you like some lemonade,” one of the punks squeaked. He looked approximately 6-years-old and wore a stupid smile. I wanted nothing more than to slap that grin off his tiny face.
I wagged my index finger in their faces. “You know what you’re doing is considered a misdemeanor?!”
The boy held out a Dixie cup filled with lemonade. “Here, it’s freshly squeezed! We’ll give you the first one on the house.” The little gnome still had a big, dumb smirk on his pudgy face.
“So you’re selling on my street? Then you surely have a street vending license for this stand, no?” I knew I had caught them red-handed. I bet they were too dense to think anyone would outright ask them for papers.
“The first one is free, but everyone after that is 25¢,” another one butted in.
They’re drowning me out. They’re mocking me! Finally, I resorted to drastic measure. “Fine, if you hooligan’s don’t want to exit the premises, I’ll have to get law enforcement involved!” They didn’t budge. They just maintained their stupid smiles with their dumb Barney and Power Ranger shirts. “You guys asked for it!” I shouted at I made my way inside to report the offense.
I waited inside until the police cruiser pulled in my driveway. I ran outside and explained the situation. The cop studied the delinquents for a moment and turned back to me shaking his head. Without a word, he backed out of the driveway and quickly drove off. Was he truly that scared?! I realize there are 4 of them, but he’s an officer of the law. He’s armed for these types of situations… Was I truly on my own?
I finally decided to take matters into my own hands. I reached into my closet and grabbed a baseball bat. I’ve never been supportive of vigilantes, but how could I sit idly by as these hooligans tainted this serene neighborhood?
I marched out the door and made my way over to the stand. One of the delinquents pointed toward me. “Look! He’s a got a baseball bat! He wants to play with us. Good thing we brought our gloves!” The children proceeded to don their mitts as I wearily approached. “Jimmy where’s the baseball?” “Right here, Billy!” He reached underneath the stand and pulled up a ball. He waved it over his head as he shouted, “Hey mister, are you ready?”
It was apparent these miscreants weren’t going to go down without a fight.
“Get ready, mister! I’m gonna’ pitch it now!” Without a moment of hesitation, the ball left the hoodlum’s hand and beaned me in the nose. A flash of white obstructed my vision as I violently swung the bat to and fro. I began getting dizzy and collapsed to the ground. I could hear the offenders scurrying over and the world went black.
Today, I woke up in the hospital. How I got here, I do not know.
I met the doctor catering to my wounds. “I know what you were trying to do,” he said.
“I know, I shouldn’t have taken the law into my own hands,” I exclaimed.
“No, it’s not that. I agree with what you tried to do. I think we can form an arrangement.” I was puzzled, but I let him continue. “Alone we are nothing but guardians to ourselves, but together, we can strike fear in the hearts of criminals everywhere,” he continued, “on your street.” The doctor reached inside and pulled out a butterfly knife which he fluttered with ease. “Let me join you,” he said as he reached forth his hand.
I connected my hand with his without indecision. And so, from this day forth, the street of Maggi Lane shall forever be guarded by the watchful eyes of Neighborhood Crime Watch.
P.S. I saw The Hunger Games yesterday! It did not disappoint, but I can finally be a BIMBO since the book was still better. For those of you who haven't read the book, it may be a bit confusing because it is very fast paced and there is little time of character development. Plus, there were some distinct changes from the book which I expected.
Also, I was nominated for an award by Addman at Muppets for Justice which is pretty sweet considering how hilarious and talented he is at blogging. How he comes up with such ridiculous and original content is beyond me. I thoroughly appreciate the shout out.
And, to hold up my end of the bargain, I must list 10 blogs that I believe deserve to be nominated for the award. So, without further adieu, here is a list of sweet blogs in no particular order.
The Berserk Herc - Bersercules creates hilarious blogs and vlogs about strange shows and movies. Where he stumbles upon these cinematic wonders is beyond me. He is also a talented artist who has just illustrated a recently published children's book.
Elton Says Things - Elton is hilariously rude and covers a vast array of subjects. This is the first blog I followed when I joined the blogging community, and is still one of the most entertaining blogs I know. He continuously releases comedic gold without fail.
Universal Gibberish - A blog which holds no bounds in subject matter. Anna writes movie reviews, personal experiences, and poetry to name a few. If you enjoy blogs with no limitations in terms of subject matter, definitely give this blog a visit.
Two Beans or Not Two Beans - It's sad to say that it took me a little while to figure out what the title was referencing. What's even sadder is the time it took me to stumble upon this hilarious blog. The Beans never fail to deliver anything short of entertainment.
A Beer for the Shower - Well, I'm sure that everyone know's these guys. Needless to say, these two bloggers are talented authors who've recently released yet another novel. If you haven't somehow stumbled upon their blog, may you pray that your sins be swept away.
Apocalypse Now - I have yet to see a post from this blog that I couldn't relate to. Chuck posts hilarious graphs and pictures that never fail to deliver laughs. Follow his blog if you want to note the signs of the impending apocalypse.
Ash-Matic Does Things - I fairly new blog that has been received a swift welcome into the blogging community. Ash-Matic is an extremely talented writer, and how he can maintain the same level of hilariousness in every one of his posts is quite surreal.
HILL BLOCKS VIEW - Another very talented writer. Sarcasm and satire are just two of his several gifts. He definitely doesn't not withhold any of his beliefs which makes for an extremely entertaining and riotously hilarious blog. No really, it causes riots.
How to Hate Everything - I use this blog to remind me how to hate more things. Ihateeverything does not hold back anything. Being offensive is but an observation to this blogger. That is why this blog is always entertaining and hilarious. It also has a very unique writing style.
Geeky Tendencies - Since I'm a geek, I frequent this blog. Jeremy not only reports on the happenings of the geek universe, but also inputs his own thoughts on various topics. This is another versatile blog which posts whatever interests pop in Jeremy's mind.
And, so there they are. I wish I could include more, and I would've if it weren't for the fact that there is an obstacle literally staring me straight in the face. I apologize for the sloppiness of any reviews or whatever.