Thursday, March 1, 2012

Benefits of Rising Gas Prices


The gas prices are on the rise. Pretty soon you’ll be slurping on the gas station clerk’s chode in exchange for an extra gallon of gas.  Or, maybe you’ll revert to the black market where you used to buy men’s lipstick and suck some dude’s farts for the generous allowance of 3 gallons of gas. But, maybe it’s not all that bad. Perhaps there are good things that can come from the jaw-dropping (pun intended) gas prices.

First of all, maybe all these doucheberry fucks that drive ridiculously large vehicles without any reason other than to look super duper cool will stay home and hopefully just die. If I’m correct, these people’s egos are so inflated that they would rather stay at home watching NASCAR while eating themselves dry than to be caught dead in an eco-friendly sedan. This is good news for those of us with gas conservers because we will no longer have to endure prolonged trips to the grocery store due to some driver who can’t operate his road legal tank properly. I for one am excited to see the economy recover due to the loss of that portion of the population resulting in increased job availability. Plus, those people who buy monster trucks are without question buying such vehicles to compensate for what they lack in rope-a-dope therefore cutting down on the amount of tiny dicks in our population, and in turn, advancing the sexual performance of the human race.
My bro said this would help me pick up mad biddies.

Also, increased gas prices allow you to give an excuse to why you can’t make it to that person you secretly hate’s birthday party/wedding/get-together. “Sorry Billy, I can’t make the quarter-mile hike to your house because the gas prices are just too high. Do me a favor and say fuck you to the kids and wife because I hate you and your stupid face.” Oh that would be splendid wouldn’t it? Also, it decreases the chances of your bum uncle coming to your house and threatening to shit on your porch if you don’t give him money for crack.
I hate you Billy... I hate you so much.

Lastly, I’m going to go straight Fern Gully and say it’ll essentially force us to find an alternate form of fuel. I've said it time and time again; pigeons would make the perfect fuel. Think about it, there is an infinite supply of them; therefore, the likelihood of us running low on fuel is pretty much neverthefuck. All we got to do is melt them into a liquid substance that can easily access our gas tanks. If whatever pigeons are made of have allowed them to overpopulate the world, then, by scientific fact, they can sure as hell fuel a measly car.
Look. This sad creature is just begging to be harvested.

Therefore, before you complain about the rising gas prices, think about these few benefits that could transpire out of this supposed despair. I for one am glad that gas prices are progressing at such a rate.

10 comments:

  1. Does that pigeon have a pin through it's head? Badass!

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    1. Yep, just make sure that doesn't make it into your gas tank because is might create problems.

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  2. Just found you through DirtyBird and I think I have just found a new blog to keep my warped sense of humor amused. Not am easy thing to do! Loved this post!

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it! And, I found your My Haven blog to be up my alley as well.

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  3. Now that you mention it...me too!!

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  4. I have a Yukon, does that count as a douche-baggery? But I hate NASCAR and I find NASCAR fans to be . . . without?

    I do like missing out on lame get together parties.

    But I don't like killing birds, Chiz. Thumbs down to you sir, thumbs down.

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    1. Not if you have a child. Yukons are perfectly acceptable. I'm talking about those high school children that choose to buy a pickup truck over other obviously more efficient choices.

      Also, there's an infinite supply of pigeons. It won't be damaging to the population.

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  5. I think I saw that alternative pigeon fuel idea already on PETA's website.

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    1. Ah, damn. The rat bastards probably already copyrighted it as well.

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