Wednesday, March 28, 2012

A to Z Challenge Overview or Something

Since I have OCD, I am presenting you with one more blog for the month of March. The voices in my head told me that if I don’t provide double-digit figures in terms of blog posts for a month, something terrible will happen to me.  If you were looking for something funny then you should probably stop reading now. Anyway, with this final post before the commencement of April, I will talk a little bit about the A to Z Challenge.
I’ve suited up in glorious, protective metals and I believe I’m ready for battle. I’ve sharpened my sword and polished my shield. Unfortunately, everyone else is equipped with AK-47s and bazookas. Therefore, I’m going to need to visit the armory if I stand a chance against those bloggers actually prepared for the A to Z Battle Challenge.

So far I’ve only completed 6 of my posts for the looming April Challenge. For the remainder of March, I’m going to be busy busting out blogs to make up for lost time spent sabotaging a Boston-based hobo underground fight club. They are a wily bunch to say the least.

My posts are going to be relatively the same length as my usual posts and will contain the same sort of content. If you’re wondering what my theme is, then it’s going to disappoint you when I say I won’t be having one. Thus far, my posts are ranging from cat profiling to a haunting take on a children-themed event. As you can see, there is absolutely no structure or strategy.

I hope you enjoy reading my posts half as much as I enjoyed writing them (especially the letter E)! I’ll see you in April! I don’t know why I’m yelling!

Sorry to bore you with this lackluster post, but my brain will literally fall out of my head if I don’t have at least 10 posts a month.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Deliverance of Justice

Yesterday I went out on my porch to enjoy a frosty mug of sterile dog urine with what remained of a beautiful day when I saw them. A group of juvenile delinquents were loitering across the street and ruining the ambiance of my quiet neighborhood. Was serenity no longer sacred? Is a little tranquility too much to ask for? This wasn’t the first time these punks loafed about these streets either. I finally had enough. I decided to give them a piece of mind.

I stomped down my driveway making it apparent that I wasn’t approaching with good intensions. Pretty soon I was only a couple feet away from them. The only thing that stood between us was their lemonade stand.

I glared down at the group of them. “Loitering again I see!” I was proud at the force with which I threw my voice.

“Would you like some lemonade,” one of the punks squeaked. He looked approximately 6-years-old and wore a stupid smile. I wanted nothing more than to slap that grin off his tiny face.

I wagged my index finger in their faces. “You know what you’re doing is considered a misdemeanor?!

The boy held out a Dixie cup filled with lemonade. “Here, it’s freshly squeezed! We’ll give you the first one on the house.” The little gnome still had a big, dumb smirk on his pudgy face.

So you’re selling on my street? Then you surely have a street vending license for this stand, no?” I knew I had caught them red-handed. I bet they were too dense to think anyone would outright ask them for papers.
“The first one is free, but everyone after that is 25¢,” another one butted in.

They’re drowning me out. They’re mocking me! Finally, I resorted to drastic measure. “Fine, if you hooligan’s don’t want to exit the premises, I’ll have to get law enforcement involved!” They didn’t budge. They just maintained their stupid smiles with their dumb Barney and Power Ranger shirts. “You guys asked for it!” I shouted at I made my way inside to report the offense.

I waited inside until the police cruiser pulled in my driveway. I ran outside and explained the situation. The cop studied the delinquents for a moment and turned back to me shaking his head. Without a word, he backed out of the driveway and quickly drove off. Was he truly that scared?! I realize there are 4 of them, but he’s an officer of the law. He’s armed for these types of situations… Was I truly on my own?

I finally decided to take matters into my own hands. I reached into my closet and grabbed a baseball bat. I’ve never been supportive of vigilantes, but how could I sit idly by as these hooligans tainted this serene neighborhood?

I marched out the door and made my way over to the stand. One of the delinquents pointed toward me. “Look! He’s a got a baseball bat! He wants to play with us. Good thing we brought our gloves!” The children proceeded to don their mitts as I wearily approached. “Jimmy where’s the baseball?” “Right here, Billy!” He reached underneath the stand and pulled up a ball. He waved it over his head as he shouted, “Hey mister, are you ready?

It was apparent these miscreants weren’t going to go down without a fight.

Get ready, mister! I’m gonna’ pitch it now!” Without a moment of hesitation, the ball left the hoodlum’s hand and beaned me in the nose. A flash of white obstructed my vision as I violently swung the bat to and fro. I began getting dizzy and collapsed to the ground. I could hear the offenders scurrying over and the world went black.

Today, I woke up in the hospital. How I got here, I do not know.

I met the doctor catering to my wounds. “I know what you were trying to do,” he said.

I know, I shouldn’t have taken the law into my own hands,” I exclaimed.

No, it’s not that. I agree with what you tried to do. I think we can form an arrangement.” I was puzzled, but I let him continue. “Alone we are nothing but guardians to ourselves, but together, we can strike fear in the hearts of criminals everywhere,” he continued, “on your street.” The doctor reached inside and pulled out a butterfly knife which he fluttered with ease. “Let me join you,” he said as he reached forth his hand.

I connected my hand with his without indecision. And so, from this day forth, the street of Maggi Lane shall forever be guarded by the watchful eyes of Neighborhood Crime Watch.

P.S. I saw The Hunger Games yesterday! It did not disappoint, but I can finally be a BIMBO since the book was still better. For those of you who haven't read the book, it may be a bit confusing because it is very fast paced and there is little time of character development. Plus, there were some distinct changes from the book which I expected.

Also, I was nominated for an award by Addman at Muppets for Justice which is pretty sweet considering how hilarious and talented he is at blogging. How he comes up with such ridiculous and original content is beyond me. I thoroughly appreciate the shout out.

And, to hold up my end of the bargain, I must list 10 blogs that I believe deserve to be nominated for the award. So, without further adieu, here is a list of sweet blogs in no particular order.

The Berserk Herc - Bersercules creates hilarious blogs and vlogs about strange shows and movies. Where he stumbles upon these cinematic wonders is beyond me. He is also a talented artist who has just illustrated a  recently published children's book.

Elton Says Things - Elton is hilariously rude and covers a vast array of subjects. This is the first blog I followed when I joined the blogging community, and is still one of the most entertaining blogs I know. He continuously releases comedic gold without fail.

Universal Gibberish - A blog which holds no bounds in subject matter. Anna writes movie reviews, personal experiences, and poetry to name a few. If you enjoy blogs with no limitations in terms of subject matter, definitely give this blog a visit.

Two Beans or Not Two Beans - It's sad to say that it took me a little while to figure out what the title was referencing. What's even sadder is the time it took me to stumble upon this hilarious blog. The Beans never fail to deliver anything short of entertainment.

A Beer for the Shower - Well, I'm sure that everyone know's these guys. Needless to say, these two bloggers are talented authors who've recently released yet another novel. If you haven't somehow stumbled upon their blog, may you pray that your sins be swept away.

Apocalypse Now - I have yet to see a post from this blog that I couldn't relate to. Chuck posts hilarious graphs and pictures that never fail to deliver laughs. Follow his blog if you want to note the signs of the  impending apocalypse.

Ash-Matic Does Things - I fairly new blog that has been received a swift welcome into the blogging community. Ash-Matic is an extremely talented writer, and how he can maintain the same level of hilariousness in every one of his posts is quite surreal.

HILL BLOCKS VIEW - Another very talented writer. Sarcasm and satire are just two of his several gifts. He definitely doesn't not withhold any of his beliefs which makes for an extremely entertaining and riotously hilarious blog. No really, it causes riots.

How to Hate Everything - I use this blog to remind me how to hate more things. Ihateeverything does not hold back anything. Being offensive is but an observation to this blogger. That is why this blog is always entertaining and hilarious. It also has a very unique writing style.

Geeky Tendencies - Since I'm a geek, I frequent this blog. Jeremy not only reports on the happenings of the geek universe, but also inputs his own thoughts on various topics. This is another versatile blog which posts whatever interests pop in Jeremy's mind.

And, so there they are. I wish I could include more, and I would've if it weren't for the fact that there is an obstacle literally staring me straight in the face. I apologize for the sloppiness of any reviews or whatever.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Reality Show Pitch

So, I’ve still been clinging to the conjecture that I’ve got a multi-million dollar scheme hidden somewhere in my expansive brain, and I think I may be onto something with my latest idea. With the latest craze in competitive, reality television, I’ve designed a form of entertainment the likes of which has never been seen before.

I intend to start off with a few strapping young lads and robust lassies. With the promise of a large sum of cash such as $40 and maybe an Applebee’s gift card or something, I aim to pin these adolescence against each other in a match of strength and wits. The competition will be based off a bracket system where contestants will compete against one another head to head. The loser is eliminated from the show, and the victor continues onward.

The setting will be a circular arena with stadium seating all around, and the center consisting of a sandy pit. The contestants will have an array of weapons and armor to equip themselves with such as maces, long swords, and frying pans. Essentially, the premise of the show is to throw the contestants in the arena two at a time to battle against one another.
Yeah, kinda like that.
With America’s insatiable appetite for competition and permanently damaging consequences, reality television as been increasingly becoming more brutal, bloody, and aggressive. I say we skip the steady progression and jetpack to the peak we’re destined to attain. I’m talking about full, unadulterated violence with lasting consequences. These contestants won’t only be fighting for their lives, but also for the chance to gain their freedom along with like 40 bucks and an Applebee’s gift card or something.

Now, of course I’ll implement some additional aspects to the competition. Say a competitor is cut down but still breathing; with the motion of a thumb, the audience will be able to vote on the fate of the loser. I’m just throwing something out there, but let’s say that thumbs up means the loser lives and thumbs down means, the loser is decapitated.

For the sake of entertainment, I’ll also have surprise guests visit the center ring such as a malnourished herd of tigers or a pissed off Italian deli shop owner. These guests won’t have a shot at the $40 and Applebee’s gift card or something, but they will provide an additional obstacle for the two contestants duking it out.
I know this idea seems risky, but given the chance, I believe it can work its way to the most viewed program in America. How can such an original idea that has never been done before fail?

Monday, March 19, 2012

The Dastardly Evil League of Dastardly Evil Villains

Far be it from me to judge parenting techniques, but when I see a mother guiding a leashed child through the mall as if it was her own humanized version of the Westminster Dog Show, I can’t help but giggle like a fellow human being that similarly saw something laughable.
 Get up! The judges are watching!
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for dehumanizing the human race into a mass of buzzing drones, but do we have to go about it so comically? Whatever happened to the slightly more indistinguishable forms of brainwashing? Suggestive billboards, scantily clad advertisements, songs promoting bestiality. Whoever is in charge of the Dastardly Evil League of Dastardly Evil Villains (formed in 1974) has really become impatient with the slow decline and dehumanization of society. I think we are overdue for a new villain to take the throne from Dr. Orbdork, The Doctor of Obviously Obvious Evil Doings (came into power during the Real World/Road Rules era).

That is why I nominate Professor Naivety and his shamefully malevolent invention of the Imperceptibility Cloak as new chairperson of the Dastardly Evil League of Dastardly Evil Villains. Not to say that Dr. Orbdork has not accomplished dumbing down civilization to an extent, but it appears that we humans have reached an impassible wall. I believe that Prof. Naivety realizes that we need to revert back to the olden days where Dr. Subtlety once reigned supreme.
Instead of increasing the gaming capacity of cell phones, we need to bring back organized dumbing techniques such as beepers and Saturday morning cartoon flaunting sexual innuendos too complex for children to understand.

The best way to pass the towering wall of impassible Self-awareness is not by pounding away at it with a wrecking ball, it’s by chiseling bit by bit through subliminal messaging and subtle dehumanization techniques.

Woah, I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about. I just smoked a bunch of meth and woke up to this.

P.S. The reason my blogs are not as frequent as usually is because I’ve busied myself with a bit of a dystopian, sci-fi project. But, April I’ll be full force for the Blogging from A to Z Challenge. For now, I’m just trying to chivy between my novel and blog.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

The Science of Awkward Silence

So, we’ve all been trapped in that awkward moment where we’re confined in a cramped space with an acquaintance whom we otherwise never speak to.

 It’s the end of the work day, and you hop on the elevator. The doors shake in anticipation of closing, but that’s when you hear it: “Wait! Hold the doors!” Shit! You thought you were in the clear, but no, this day isn’t ready to let you go without one more tribulation.
Wait! I've been sent by the Creators to give you one final test!
Billy the office silly… billy, darts into the elevator as the doors hesitate due to his interference, then close. Silence floods the room in the same way that a 16-year-old’s hose fills a tube sock. What’s the first thing that comes to your mind? Weather.

Me: “I hope the weather stays like this.”
Billy: “Yeah, I heard tomorrow’s gonna’ rain, but the rest of the week’s supposed to be in the 70s.”
Me: “That’s good. I was worried.” Wait, why the fuck would I be worried?
Billy: “Yeah… me too.” Why is this kid so obsessed with weather? Every fuckin’ day.
 *2 floors pass*
Me: “What floor you getting off at?” Please don’t say ground floor. Please don’t say ground floor.
Billy: “Ground floor.”
Me: SHIT! “Yeah, me too… I gotta’ go home… to, ah, walk the dog.” Why did I need to tell him that? I hope he doesn’t think I’m making a reference to masturbation.
Billy: Why the fuck is he telling me this? Sounds like he’s going home to jack off. “Oh, cool. What kind of dog is it?” Why the fuck do I care what kind of dog it is?
Me: “It’s a Shiba Inu… It’s a Japanese breed. It looks like a fox.” Ah, shit. What if he knows what that is? He probably thinks I’m insulting his intelligence.
Billy: Does this kid think I’m retarded? Obviously I know what that is. “Wow, never heard of that before.”
Me: “Yeah, he’s got a lot of hair.” Wait, what the fuck? Ah, finally! Ground floor. “Alrighty, then. I’ll see you tomorrow, man.” Ah, damn it! The way I said “man” kind of made it sound like “mom”. Whatever, I’m out of here. Shit… he’s going the same way I’m going. I ALREADY SAID BYE! “Uhh… I got to tie my shoe!” Damn it, why did I yell that?
Billy:  Wow, you’re tying your shoe. Why the fuck you have to yell it? “Alright, cool. I see ya tomorrow.”
Me: “Peace!” Peace? Ah, now I just got to lag behind him the rest of the way.

Now why did I just tell of this dialogue? Shit… I forget. Oh, yeah. Why do we feel the need to fill a void of silence whenever we are stuck with an awkward acquaintance? Why can’t we just ride in complete stillness to the bottom floor with nothing but the sounds of our hearts beating? Wow, that sounded gay.

Anyway, I’ve come up with a hypothesis. It’s not because we fear that they may think we’re strange and anti-social. It’s because our subconscious is jealous. Our subconscious is intimidated by this acquaintance and associates the other being as a rival threat.

We are confined to a condensed area; therefore, there is limited air to go around. Your subconscious sees the opposition breathing air that rightfully belongs to you. Thus, since your subconscious has little influence over your physical actions, it sends signals of anxiety to your brain. It fills your head with a flood of retarded thoughts. The process continues until your brain is so swamped with these random, retarded thoughts of hot dogs, UFOs, and weather that it forces you to alleviate the stress by expressing the thoughts verbally. Fortunately, these thoughts encounter a screen that filters the most rational thoughts from the nonsensical ones which at most times is weather, sports, or how long the week is dragging.

Therefore, the impulse to fill the void of silence with puffery (hyup) is your subconscious forcing you to inhale more oxygen than your opponent to ensure extended life in the case of emergency.

Science and beers.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

How to Win an Argument

We've all been on the losing side of a heated argument. However, there are measures you can take to ensure that you will never again be on the receiving end of such humiliation. Follow these quick steps to master the art of the argument.

Use swearwords to allot yourself extra time to scrounge up evidence mid-argument or to prolong your rant to hide the facade.

I am going to prove my point by continuously writing in a frenzied fashion and start implementing swears at moments where my judgment begins to fail:

I think our minds are conquered by the media airwaves controlled by the fuckin’ media fat cats. It’s fuckin’ shitty that these fuckin’ fucks can shove corporate bullshit down our throats, and we can’t do a fuckin’ thing about it. Fuckin’ shit, man... fuck.

As you can see, my reasoning collapsed in the very first sentence, but I managed to prolong my airtime by inserting swears during instances where I had no idea what I was talking about.

Abuse those vocal cords!

In an argument, it is vital that you shout your point. Even if you don’t have any supporting evidence to back up your side of the argument, make sure you strain the veins in your neck as you relentlessly yell at the supporters backing the counterargument. Drawn the opposition out. If they can’t get a word in, then there’s less of a chance of them proving you wrong. Here’s an example:

Billy: What websites have been visiting to get a virus such as this?
Chet: Oh, the virus just randomly popped up when I was reading an article on Yahoo.
Billy: I don’t think so. It’s virtually impossible to encounter this virus within such a typical website.
Chet: Well, that’s what happened.
Billy: Do you mind if I search your browsing history to locate the source of the virus?
Chet: No, there’s no need. I got the virus from Yahoo!
Billy: That’s highly unlikely.
Chet: I did, Billy!
Billy: I don’t thi—
Billy: Let me just check your browsing history real qu—
*rage quit*

See how Chet won this argument by limiting the opportunity for a counterattack? This is how to properly voice your opinion. It is acceptable, if not assumed, that you leave the argument with a popped blood vessel or two.


No matter whether true or false, all your evidence has been obtained from a professional source.

Whenever the opposition attempts to strike down your supporting data, claim that you’ve read the figures from a professional source even if you’ve never read anything along the lines of your argument. This will fashion the unsupported theory into a fact. What better way to prove that you know about the workings of the universe than by throwing out an “I read it somewhere that” followed by a random number or passage?

“I read it somewhere that if you plant a seed on a lily pad, the resulting plant with lower the depth of any size lake by 1 inch.” – Genius
I read that cigarettes lower cholesterol.

Resort to insults.

If you find yourself beginning to lose grip of the argument, immediately fall back on personal insults. Do they have a physical flaw? Target it. Do their beliefs rival those of yours? Call them out on it. Is their sexual preference different? Bring on the slurs.

Billy: See, I told you they sell toupees for dogs!
*exit before counter argument can be proposed*

These techniques will quickly have the opponent reevaluate the verbal altercation.

If all else fails, a healthy alternative is violence.

If you are being mentally dismantled by the opponent’s superior intellect, punch him in the facepussy. Nothing ends an onslaught of verbal destruction than a counteracting roundhouse.

Below is the image of a man who lost an argument:
"I just told him the children's museum was in the other direction."

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Frightening Scenes in Children's Movies... That Probably Only Scared Me

For lack of time and chronic brain dead...ness over the past week. I've compiled a list of scenes in children's movies that scared the shit out of me when I was younger... when they probably shouldn't have. Anyway, here we go.

Pee Wee’s Big Adventure  – Large Marge

Alright, so what was the director thinking putting a scene like this in a children’s movie? I realize the whole movie is as disturbing as Hayden Christensen’s portrayal of Darth Vader, but this particular scene not only had the frightening claymation face freak-out, it also had the unsettling story to back it up.

Dumbo  –  Casey Jr.

This woman who lived in the apartment above us actually volunteered to remove this scene from the cassette because I was so horrified by it. As Casey Jr. struggles to top the mountain, he emits sounds of pain and anguish with influences from Satan himself. I loved talking trains when I was younger, but this train topped off my diaper real quick. Fast forward to 2:55.

Fievel Goes West  –  Commie Cats

Communists are scary enough, but put one of their faux fur hats on a cat-piranha hybrid, that’s a bona fide recipe for bedwetting. Unfortunately, I could not find a video clip on the commie cat onslaught at the beginning of the film, but take my word when I say that these cats were absolutely terrifying.  Their teeth were disproportional to their mouth, and their eyes were tiny depressions in their face. And, they had mustaches!

Pinnochio  –  Monstro the Whale

Granted I loved this scene as a child, I still can’t deny the fact that it caused heart palpitationsevery time I bore witness to it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a cartoon character with such rampant rage as Monstro. This is without a doubt one of the creepiest chase scenes ever created. A monster whale with boulders for teeth having a bloodcurdling asthma attack as it tries to decimate poor Pinocchio and his sidekick, mustache Mitch.

The Neverending Story  –  Gmork, the Lord of Looming Suspense

Aside from the nightmarish dog dragon and the upsetting death of Artax, the scenes that caused me the most distress were those featuring Gmork the snaggle-toothed rapewolf. Despite his usual calmness and failure to keep up with anyone, there was always an aura about him that he would snap and go beast-mode on Bastian’s ass at any instant.

So, call me what you may. I found these scenes to be quite disturbing and detrimental to my health. I promise I'll provide some better blog posts this week. I'm just super busy with stuff.

P.S. I don't know what's the problem with the formatting of this post, it keeps getting fucked up for no reason. So, I'm just gonna leave it alone. I trust you guys to put the pieces together.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Untalented Celebs Have Won the Game

Despite the overwhelming hatred the world shares for talentless divas such as the Jersey Shore cast, the Kardashians, and the however many spoiled housewife shows there are, they all have an additional trait in common: they know how to play the game. Not to say that I don't harbor a hatred so intense that it could take on a life of its own and destroy Manhattan, but I must shamefully admit they know how to play the fuckin' game.

They have no viable skills or talents; so, what is it that gains them their overwhelming success? I’ll tell you. It is their ability to flaunt their own stupidity. Yep, you heard me correctly. It may seem paradoxical, but these celebs are actually manipulating the game with their idiocy. In the case of these celebs: if you don’t got it, flaunt it.

Then, why are we buying into such foolishness? Because we’re part of a nation stacked to the brim with silly retards. The fan base of these shows are those who like believe that you can become famous by doing absolutely nothing but eating cheese balls and smelling of retard.

So, is it truly acceptable for us to hate them for their discovery of this loophole? Absolutely, for it is not to their knowledge that they came across this cheat, but by their lack of intelligence that restricted them from actually contributing to society that caused them to accidentally stumble upon this secret. They're essentially the equivalent to lost sheep that happened to wonder into a ditch full of even more retarded sheep that are willing to share their very limited supply of dry corn. 
Take a look at that whale carcass that learned to walk on land, Snooki. She is playing the game, and she is playing it hard as a mutha fucka. As she began to fall from grace, she got pregnant. She essentially beat the game. She’s easily going to gain a solid 2 months of media coverage followed by at least a year’s worth once that poor baby calf is conceived. We allowed it to happen. We should’ve taken the bottle away 4 seasons ago, but we failed. We are no longer “the home of the brave” as we have failed to stand against this evil, malevolent plague.
No one told me she's having triplets! Oh, she's not?
However, hate as we will, there are just too many cacaheads in America to put a stop to this avalanche of idiocy. The most we can do is hope that they are truly so stupid as to run their riches into the ground and pay harshly for their injustices to the human race. Or we can look to Paris Hilton who has actually been in the game so long that her stupidity has actually begun to deteriorate her physical appearance. She is milking the cow stupid so to speak.
"You never go full retard"
P.S. If you're looking for a definition of what "the game" is, I'm sorry because I don't know. It just sounded cool. 

Monday, March 5, 2012

The Disappearance of Books and Why I Kind of Give a Fuck

With the release of the Swindle and iPaddle, bookstores across the nation have been closing at an alarming rate due to their inability to realize that they should’ve jumped on the eBook bandwagon long ago. But, it’s not like literature is at a decline as the Kindle and iPad allow for easy access to billions of downloadable books. So, why do I give a fuck that paperback book are disappearing? Because I like carrying that thing around with a big, fat bookmark complete with glittery tassel accessory shoved ¾ the way into the book. Why? Because it serves as a statement. It shouts: Yeah, I’ve read through most of this book which means I’m pretty much better than you.
The beanie and scraggily beard says, "Imma rape you," but the book says,
"Imma do it softly."
Isn’t that why people to read after all? So, they can have the satisfaction of becoming the center of a conversation by throwing in a “yeah, I’ve read that in a book before,” “the book was so much better than the movie,” or “I don’t really watch TV” (all of which are usually not the case). Wait… That’s not why people read? Ah, well I’m going to continue with my rant because I got nothing else to write about today.
For the past month I’ve been trying to locate the second book in a trilogy I’m trying to complete that’s, so far, coming up to no avail. The only bookstore I know of is the tiny bookstand at the train station by my workplace, the same one where I bought the first book of the trilogy only to discover they won’t stock up on the next two books in the series.

I miss the large bookstores where you couldn’t walk a foot without an employee beating information out of you in order to assist you. At this bookstand, the employees look like they read books. In fact, they are full-blown hipsters so they must right? Yet, when I inquire about a book that is usually world renowned, they give me an enthusiastic “iunno wuh tha’s” to which I must politely respond, “what the fuck is that central processing unit mainframe supercomputer in front of you for?” This standard process usually ends up with me leaving the stand empty handed with a lack of effort on their part. It makes me want to remove their nonprescription glasses, poke them in the eyes, and fart on the cash register.

But, Chiz. Why don’t you order the book yourself? Because technology scares me, and I’m lazy or some shit. I don’t know just; let me finish my argument.

Now, I have to buy a Kindle. How the hell am I supposed to let people know I read with a piece of hardware they can easily be mistaken for an Angry Bird gaming console? Plus, I don’t think I’ve ever bought a book that shatters on impact when I drop it.
My favorite book is Netflix.
Bah, futuristic, space technology scares me. Sophistication is all I ask for. 

P.S. I got a new layout for the blog. If something irks you, let me know and I'll fix it. Also, if you know how to center the Header/get rid of it, feedback would be appreciated.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Benefits of Rising Gas Prices

The gas prices are on the rise. Pretty soon you’ll be slurping on the gas station clerk’s chode in exchange for an extra gallon of gas.  Or, maybe you’ll revert to the black market where you used to buy men’s lipstick and suck some dude’s farts for the generous allowance of 3 gallons of gas. But, maybe it’s not all that bad. Perhaps there are good things that can come from the jaw-dropping (pun intended) gas prices.

First of all, maybe all these doucheberry fucks that drive ridiculously large vehicles without any reason other than to look super duper cool will stay home and hopefully just die. If I’m correct, these people’s egos are so inflated that they would rather stay at home watching NASCAR while eating themselves dry than to be caught dead in an eco-friendly sedan. This is good news for those of us with gas conservers because we will no longer have to endure prolonged trips to the grocery store due to some driver who can’t operate his road legal tank properly. I for one am excited to see the economy recover due to the loss of that portion of the population resulting in increased job availability. Plus, those people who buy monster trucks are without question buying such vehicles to compensate for what they lack in rope-a-dope therefore cutting down on the amount of tiny dicks in our population, and in turn, advancing the sexual performance of the human race.
My bro said this would help me pick up mad biddies.

Also, increased gas prices allow you to give an excuse to why you can’t make it to that person you secretly hate’s birthday party/wedding/get-together. “Sorry Billy, I can’t make the quarter-mile hike to your house because the gas prices are just too high. Do me a favor and say fuck you to the kids and wife because I hate you and your stupid face.” Oh that would be splendid wouldn’t it? Also, it decreases the chances of your bum uncle coming to your house and threatening to shit on your porch if you don’t give him money for crack.
I hate you Billy... I hate you so much.

Lastly, I’m going to go straight Fern Gully and say it’ll essentially force us to find an alternate form of fuel. I've said it time and time again; pigeons would make the perfect fuel. Think about it, there is an infinite supply of them; therefore, the likelihood of us running low on fuel is pretty much neverthefuck. All we got to do is melt them into a liquid substance that can easily access our gas tanks. If whatever pigeons are made of have allowed them to overpopulate the world, then, by scientific fact, they can sure as hell fuel a measly car.
Look. This sad creature is just begging to be harvested.

Therefore, before you complain about the rising gas prices, think about these few benefits that could transpire out of this supposed despair. I for one am glad that gas prices are progressing at such a rate.