Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Trials of A Recovering Hoarder

With all these reality shows centered on hoarding, I began to evaluate my life styles only to regrettably discover that I belong to this growing collection of psychologically disturbed.

According to About.com the definition of hoarding is as follows: “Acquiring and failing to throw out a large number of items that would appear to have little or no value to others.” In reading this I have identified several objects in my possession that fall under this category. So, here is a list of my supposed “spring cleaning.”

Although I love my dog, Pogo, I have found him to be quite useless and time consuming. He also takes up an area on the couch disproportional to his size. In addition, he leaves an abnormal amount of hair looming in every square inch of the house. Every once in a while he will leave a hot piece of shit in a corner of the house if his stomach is too full to eat it. And, it is without question that he is of “little or no value to others.” Therefore, it is unfortunate that I must include him in the dumpster with the rest of my worthless items.

With the absence of my dog’s feces occupying the house, it is without question that my own excrement can replace it therefore nullifying the need for a toilet. My toilet inhabits about 3 square feet whereas my bowel movements require but a measly foot at most. The maggots will most likely consume my leftovers by the time is takes up a troubling amount of space. Therefore, it is permissible, if not vital, that I rid myself of this useless contraption for the benefit of my recovery.

The microwave is perfectly capable of performing all actions executed by this useless appliance. You want a turkey? Don’t be lazy and toss it in the oven with seasonings, salts, and other useless spices; get it done quickly by zapping it in the microwave for 30 minutes. It’ll come out with all juices intact and may even have the zest of hot pockets and popcorn. Cook an entire Thanksgiving feast for the family in less than an hour! If anyone complains about the taste, throw them in the dumpster because their input is useless and detrimental to your recovery.

Hygiene is just a characteristic glorified by the media fat cats. The man only wants you to think cleanliness is next to godliness when in fact it is far below entertainment and waking up at a reasonable hour. In fact, the dirt and oils on your skin protect you from harmful UV rays and airborne farts. Besides, you’re only going to smell like shit at the end of the day anyway; so what’s the point? Do yourself a favor; skip on the shower and your recover you’ll empower! Toss that rubbage in the garbage.

Since you can wear a pair of jeans a month straight without anyone noticing, there’s no need to have multiple pairs. They never smell and it’s considered fashionable when they become tattered and filthy. When waste space with 3 pairs of jeans in your closet when you can easily clear up at least 40 feet by removing 2 of them. Toss them in the garbage!

Overall, a small list, but if I keep working at it I think I can make my way down to the bare essentials of living: xBox, television, and food. I do feel somewhat relieved that I can move that much more freely through my house, and I’m inching closer and closer to a full recover. 


  1. No offence but your kind of a dumbass. Keep the toilet and stick the TV in front of it! and you can then get rid of all your other chairs, your couch and your whole living room! Thats how you stop your crazy hoarding ways!

    Toilet, TV and TP. Thats all you need! (TP is an excellent source of protein by the way)

    1. What kind of mathematical wizardry is this? I suppose I have been bested.

  2. Discarding the dog is really disheartening. Why waste something so valuable? You can sell it to any number of domestic or authentic Asian restaurants for use in their many "exotic" dishes.

    Perhaps, you can skip the chore of selling it off to some Asian entrepreneurial venture and invest in yourself. Use the dog in some dish that will benefit you with it's rich proteins and warm fur.

    I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to benefit from a beast causing you so much debilitating hardship. Maybe it would make a good soup?

    1. Yeah, he eats a lot so the soup would have a lot of flavors. Plus, I could use the protein. Perhaps I'm looking at this hoarding business wrong.