Thursday, February 16, 2012

Secrets to A Billion Dollar Blockbuster

I know for a fact that about 89.7% of the Earth’s population is made up of aspiring film directors. Well, since I’m so caring and bored and, frankly, really fuckin’ tired, I’ve decided to compile this list of helpful suggestions to help you rake in at least a billion dollars in cash from your final product.

Denzel Washington

In order to guarantee a blockbuster, you're going to need this guy. Denzel Washington, the epitome of badassery, may not play the most versatile of roles, but in all honesty, who gives a fuck? You can have Denzel launching baby pandas out of a t-shirt cannon into a herd of pitbulls and, as long as he looks like a badass while doing it, I'll love the shit out of that film. Even if you can't afford to hire him, be sure to at least have a cardboard cutout and place it in the background of every scene. He will still have the same effect over the audience. That anticipation that he may spring into action at any moment will glue the audience to their seats.

If you can’t afford decent CGI, go with the shaky camera method.

I always hear people crying that the shaky camera gives them a headache. But, the lazily thrown together CGI masked by the shaky camera technique would give the audience a whole lot more than a minor headache (I’m talking about diarrhea). Plus, it gives the illusion that there is a lot more action occurring on screen than there actually is. It’s pretty much like hiring an army of stunt doubles. Yep, pretty much.

The fastest route to flawless character development is violence.

Skip the opening family man and “pet the dog” routines; go straight for the initial fight scene. As the opening credits are rolling, have the main character busting some evildoer’s chin and punching in the butthole or something. If the actor is talented enough, the expression on his/her face while defacing the other guy will reveal to the audience the good/bad intentions of the main character. If the main character is fighting tears back he’s good. If he’s smiling, he’s evil. If he’s laughing, he’s maniacal. If he pulls the other’s guys pants down and assumes the position, he’s a silly billy.

Corny but memorable punch lines.

It’s fairly simple really. Here are a few examples:
-“You’ve got some pasta sauce on your lip. Oh, wait. Nevermind.”
-“He’s deader than a cat that’s dead.”
-“You’ve got a pimple on your chin. Let me pop it for you.”
-“This gives a whole new meaning to [insert anything].”
I never said they had to be good. Just as long as it makes the audience do a double take. Something they’ll be repeating for minutes, hours, days, decades after the movie.

An epic, and I mean EPIC, final fight scene.

Based on a nationwide survey, 147.7% of moviegoers admit that the only reason they go to the cinema is for the epic boss fight at the end. I’m tired of these badasses who kill an entire army to get to the one man they’ve sought to destroy from the beginning and basically just pop a cap in their dome, the end. I want to see that evil mutha fucka fight back, chew on his earlobe, rile the main character up a bit. Give him the same sword/gun/bow staff/lawn flamingo skills as the do-gooder. Make it worth the audiences’ while.

Blood and violence always, ALWAYS, comes before plot.

What’s a plot without action. I’ll tell you what it is: it’s nothing! Now, let me ask you what action is without plot: it’s entertainment! See what I did there?



You’re welcome.

1 comment:

  1. thanks for all the advice! now I can make an epicly epic movie!