Oh, yeah! I had a dentist appointment yesterday.
Anyway, so I had known about the dentist appointment was looming, mostly due to the fact that I kept canceling the appointment, but I knew it was coming nonetheless. However, this time I aimed to mentally and physically prepare myself for the insidious engagement.
Every time I go to the dentist, I get peppered with the same questions: Have you been flossing? Have you been brushing after every meal? Have you been eating poop? And, time after time I am forced to admit defeat as I repeatedly answer “no”… then “yes.”
This time I wanted it to be different. Months in advance of the appointment, I began violently brushing multiple times a day. Veins protruded from my forearm due to the force of my rapid brush strokes. I even started flossing… every night. Prepping my gums so that they would not hemorrhage when the dentist sadistically attacked them with that razor wire they call “floss.” When they got to that point where not a speck of blood would show, I moved onward to more aggressive techniques. This dentist wasn’t going to best me this time. I began bringing a bottle of toothpaste to work every day to snack on. Every night before I went to bed, I would floss my teeth with a machete. I would have to alternate toothbrushes after every use. It was brutal but necessary.
Finally, 3 postponements later the day had final arrived. I confidently loosened my tie and strutted into the dentist’s office, shattering the glass door as I slammed it behind me. 1… 2… 3 rings on the desk bell later, I heard her footsteps growing louder as she approached. Come at me bro! I screamed in my head. You can’t hurt me anymore!
Then she rounded the corner, and I froze. It was a different dentist, one that I had not had before. A bead of sweat trickled down my forehead, but then I quickly wiped it away. What are you so afraid of, Chiz? You prepared yourself for this. This bitch ain’t got nothing on you. And my ghetto subconscious was right. I should be glad that this frail looking lady was about to clean my teeth. I was disappointed that my physical training would go to waste, but looked forward to a peaceful cleaning.
She ushered me into the dentist chair. I think it may have been the first time I was calm in the office. Then suddenly, as if someone flipped a ‘fuck you’ switch, the chair flung back and violently clanged into its reclined state. The dentist dug her nails into my chin fat and pried my mouth open. “Open your whore mouth!” she cackled, and all I could do was helplessly obey. She reached back and grabbed a crooked shank and stabbed it into my gums. Come on, Chiz! This is what you’ve been training for! But it was no use, the shank sawed into my gums and blood began spouting out. She repeatedly sheered away at my teeth with both hands as I gripped the chair trying to relieve the pain. Prodding at a molar, “You’ve got a cavity,” the harpy screeched.
“But, I feel nothing,” I replied. Upon hearing that she pulled out a mallet and forced the shank into my tooth as I let out a scream.
“You do now,” she maniacally laughed. Then, she threw the tools over her shoulder. I sighed in relief. It’s finally over, I thought to myself. That was before I noticed the barbed wire in her hand. She wedged the wire between my teeth and began sawing. I could feel the blood trickling down my chin. This went on for about 20 minutes.
After what seemed like an eternity, she finally let me up from the chair. Battered and bruise I made my way over to the front desk where she proceeded to arrange another appoint for the following month. She handed the card to me with a taunting smile. “Have a good night,” the witch said as she hovered back into the office.
I was bested that day.