Friday, February 24, 2012

The IT Guy and Me


So, this week has been hell since I’ve been trying to figure out some issues with transferring data from a client company’s virtual computer over to our end. Now, let me start by confessing that I have very basic knowledge of computers. I can get rid of a virus like it was a bacterial infection and I was a foam-at-the-mouth penicillin, but I am not completely updated on the latest technological jargon. So, needless to say, when I was assigned to take care of the situation, the IT guy at the receiving end of my call was none too happy. Three days later, I accomplished receiving the data I set out to, but the problem still remains. But, that’s an issue I’ll deal with next week so whatever. Anyway, onto my point.

Here’s how the IT guy wished the conversation played out:

IT Guy: Alright, so the problem is that you need to access the quadroflange processor.
Me: The what?
IT Guy: The quadroflange processor!
Me: Oh! Okay, sorry. I didn’t hear you the first time. Why didn’t I think of that? Alright, I’ll just carry over the datacreeper and cross analyze it with the processor. Then, I’ll carry the linkblaster and subdivide it by enwkndocx.exe dragging it into the Nex folder annnnd… There! Thanks for all your help, guy!
IT Guy: No, problem. Call me if you need any further assistance which I’m sure you won’t because I explained everything so perfectly.
Me: Okay, thanks super slick computer guy.
IT Guy: Oh, just doing my job.
End with audible wink.

Now, here’s how the conversation really played out:

IT Guy: Alright, so the problem is that you need to access the quadroflange processor.
Me: The what?
IT Guy: The quadroflange processor!
Me: Oh… I… hmm… tss tss tss… Nah… Yeah, I don’t know what that is.
IT Guy: *sigh* Are you on a browser right now?
Me: Yeah.
IT Guy: Do you see the search bar?
Me: No.
IT Guy: *sigh* Then you’re not on a browser. What does it say at the top of the window?
Me: Proximity Blage exlelell.exe mylifesucks.exe Flournge.
IT Guy: Okay, back out of that, open up a web browser and enter NICE, and copy that link and paste it onto a browser on your hard drive.
Me: Ooooh kaaaay… hmm… pff pff tss… mmm…….. bababa……….. (47 minutes later)……. Yeah, it’s not loading.
IT Guy: *long exaggerated sigh* I’m going to have to call you back *immediate click*
End with the audible spinning of a revolver.

The great thing is that at the end of this arduous process, the answer to the problem of collecting the data is him finally saying: “Okay, I’ll just have to email the files to you.” Arreee youuuu fuggggin’ kidding muuuhhhh. RAGE! I couldn’t believe that this was the conclusion. No epic finale for me. Nooo. He’s just going to email me the files. Why this couldn’t have been the initial solution is far, far beyond me located in some distant land ruled by orcs and fairies.
I love IT, don’t get me wrong. They've gotten me through difficult times. After days of not being able to watch porn, they’ve come and lifted me from the ashes of despair. But, was it truly necessary that this guy be so stubborn that he avoided this inevitable outcome to try and figure out a more complex and flashy way to deliver the goods? At one point in the call I even offered to have him speak to a member of our IT, but he refused to let me go on my way. Maybe he was truly feeding me bullshit and he didn't want a fellow IT member to pick up on it. I don’t know.

Basically, this is how I wished the conversation would play out:

IT Guy: Alright, so the problem is that you need to access the quadroflange processor.
Me: The what?
IT Guy: Oh, sorry. The flashing blue icon that kind of looks like two dodo birds having sex.
Me: Oh, okay.
IT Guy: Okay, once you click that you should see a message saying: “The processor can’t be accessed blah blah blah.”
Me: Uhh, nothing’s showing up.
IT Guy: Oh. Well I’ll just email you the files while I figure this thing out for future access.
Me: Aww yeah! You’re the best.
IT Guy: Baww. TAYNKS!
End with audible thumbs up plus wink.

P.S. These are all real technological terms. No fabrications.

12 comments:

  1. You should check out a show called The IT Crowd. It's a British sitcom and it's hilarious. I'm sure you could relate.

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    1. I just watch a few clips from the show on YouTube, and it looks pretty hilarious. It's also streaming on Netflix; so, I'll definitely have to give it a go.

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  2. My dad happens to be an IT guy, so I think I have it easy when it comes to computer stuff. He seems to be a little more patient with me than other people.

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    1. Yeah, the other 2 IT people I talked to from the company were nice and patient, but I just kept getting stuck with this guy unfortunately. Lucky you though. I wish I knew something about computers so I could build my own.

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  3. The worst thing about IT is when they ask if it's okay for them to remotely control your computer.

    I'm always secretly praying that they're some evil genius, who will make it get up off the desk and go out and rob a bank or something, like a helpless hero under the mind-controlling influence of a dastardly supervillain.

    But no. They just fail to fix the problem, and give me a reference number. My life is so disappointing.

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    1. They always mention doing that with my computer, but it never resorts to that for some reason. They usually just give me the reference number before even trying. I'unno.

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  4. Well to start, I appreciate the avoidance of any fabrications. I don't like those. Second of all, IT guys are assholes with wicked god complexes. Just sayin'. They really do act like the customers they are working for are the bane of their existence.

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    1. They should have to go through patience classes to learn to deal with clueless folk like me.

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  5. I have no idea what a quadroflange processor is either. I thought you'd made it up for comedic effect. I've had that conversation before and I sound just like you and I'm sure the IT guy at the other end of the phone spends the rest of the day telling his friends about the clueless eejit he had to deal with.

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    1. Yeah that might have been slightly fabricated. But, yeah if I could only hear what they were thinking.

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  6. In defence of IT guys everywhere, I must say...ah who am I kidding. A lot of us are dicks.

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    1. Well it must be frustrating dealing with people like me all day. I'm sure they love when I fill the awkward void of silence with weird noises.

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