Friday, February 10, 2012

The Holy War 2012

Before you read this shitty post, answer the question to the right, please. Please. Please, and thank you.

Synopsis: These mutha fuckin’ nuns are tryin’a get these mutha fuckin’ strippers off their mutha fuckin’ street.

We've been long overdue for a holy war: nunnery versus nunnery. A strip club has slithered onto a holy land, and its primary goal is to cast its sinful shadow over the once god-fearing town.

Interested, I took a trip to Stone Park to find out the truth of the chronicle because NBC is full of retarded peepeedicks that can’t cover a story right. Yes, the nuns are playing it cool with the public media: keeping the strip club in their prayers, peacefully casting disapproval upon the joint, sending gift baskets full of Vagisil and subscription antibiotics to the future employees. But, behind the walls of the convent, I knew something bigger was in the works. Something… sinister.

Armed with nothing but a pencil and WWJD yoga pants, the nuns granted me access to their holy domain, keeping me under excessive surveillance. At first, the convent appeared just as I had envisioned it: marble statues, an echoing organ, sports bras. I was becoming increasingly disappointed. Maybe this $1265.99 trips wasn’t worth it. But, I continued my tour.

Before I knew it, night had fallen. The nuns were filing to their living quarters, and I couldn’t help but let disillusion take over as I lay facing the cross in the first row of pews. Hours passed as the dusty convent air filled my lungs. I lay awake, my eyes not wavering from the easily 10 foot cross. My thoughts ran rampant. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe the nuns truly are ones to withdraw without a fight.

The whole night I didn’t allow myself a hint of shuteye. The sun began to shine through the stain glass windows of the church. I could tell it was time to pack it in. I gathered my pile of belongings I lazily tossed in a heap on the hardwood floors and stood up. I turned for the double doors and started for the exit. That’s when I noticed it. I thought it may be my lack of sleep causing my eyes playing tricks on me. Yet, after repeatedly splashing holy water on my face, the spectacle still lay before me. As the sun shone through the stained windows, the reflections converged into a pattern of stable on the floor. I made my way over to the reflection. I could make out the mule, Mother Mary, the three wisenheimers. It was the nativity scene. But, it was baby Jesus that really caught my attention as he was holding some unidentifiable object in his hand which emitted a red glow. Curious, I ran my finger over the supposed object. Suddenly, the wall behind me, the one bearing the cross, revealed a passageway that had been impossible to recognize before. I pushed myself up from the ground and headed towards the secret entrance.

I traveled down an unlit corridor for quite some time, feeling my way across the wall as to ensure that I would not run astray from the path. I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, and I went on into a full sprint. I didn’t care what lay before me, I just needed to find out what was ahead. Closer and closer the light got until I burst through the distinguishable barrier of light.

I was blinded for a bit, but when my eyes adjusted, that’s when I saw them. A squadron of about 30 nuns was frozen in place glaring at me. Each nun bearing a weapon in hand: swords, bows, staffs. Straw dummies and nuns poised in defensive stances. I finally pieced together where I was; it was a training room.

After the nuns realized I was harmless, they informed me of the situation. They were secretly honing their skills in the art of violence. I knew that nuns must’ve had a hobby other then excessively praying all day, but I never believed I’d be this extreme. The training room they donned the name Nativity, probably in reference to the reflection I saw earlier, smelled of sweat and blood. They had all sorts of medieval, lethal weaponry; apparently, arms passed down since the crusades. Some the blood still dried to the blades from all those years past. They also had some modernized equipment such as gas masks incase the strippers resorted to chemical warfare such as airborne gonorrhea. It was clear they weren’t overlooking the strip club’s actions. If the owner of the “den of sin” was looking for a fight, he sure as hell got one.

Will these nuns sit idly by while their convent is overcome by the darkness, or will they turn to that same darkness the fuels their enemy to unleash the power they need to make a stand? Will they use sin to fight sin? Stayed tuned for the epic conclusion to The Whorey War.

The Serial Sister
In case you didn't like the post, here's some new trailers to movies I want to see!

1 comment:

  1. Nuns with weapons - those strippers are gona get a butt kicking!