Sunday, January 29, 2012

Save The... Music? Seriously?

I can't get rid of the white highlighting no matter what I do. So, ignore it I guess?

Billy the Guitarist has been in the music business for three years. He opens his cupboard to gaze upon the vast assortment of Top Ramen and Maruchan Instant Lunches. After much internal debate, Billy the Guitarist settles on the chicken flavored noodles. He tears the package open above the boiling pot of water as the carefully woven brick of noodles falls into the hot pool. He begins stirring the contents of the pot, mixing the noodles into a tangled jungle of blandness. Looking out the window, he sees Christmas lights strewn across the balconies of his neighboring tenants. His lips curl into a fragile smile, and he whispers to himself, “what the hell; it’s Christmas.” He makes his way to the cupboard and grabs a second brick of Ramen.

Why am I telling you this story? Is it the poignant condition the economy has left our citizens in? Is it the tradition to spoil ourselves but a few times a year? No, I will tell you why. It’s because there are way too many musicians in the world.

I’m not declaring that there is anything particularly wrong with playing an instrument out of sheer love for music. Hell, I love fuckin’ music (I also like listening to it). But, these rallies claiming that music is a dying art has flocked billions of people to pick up an instrument under the delusion that they will make it big in this “collapsing business.” However, the fact is that there are way too many people sharing this same delusion, making it harder to become a rock star than a global dictator.

While I was in college, I would walk by at least 700 billion hipsters parking their asses on a grassy knoll singing a song that “only free spirited, intellectuals” would understand. Despite this observation, VH1 still feels the need to Save The Music. To those of you  unfamiliar with the Save the Music Foundation, the website describes it as, "a non-profit organization dedicated to restoring instrumental music education in America's public schools... the VH1 Save The Music Foundation has provided $48 million in new musical instruments to 1,800 public schools..." In case your mind blocked out the mindfucking information provided: yes, $48 million... $48,000,000.00... Forty-eight million dollars. They have pumped $48 millions dollars into buying musical instruments. Well ,I guess providing keyboards to the already over privileged middle-class students of America is just as important as the failing economy, job loss, cancer/HIV research, third-world depression, increasing homeless population, crumbling social security, dwindling health-care options, war effort, and zombifying Steve Jobs. As long as we create more Justin Beibers and Rebecca Blacks, there's no need to pass on this measly $48 million to those other lame and gay issues. 

I live in a town with a population of about 20,000. Of this population, there are apparently 33,042 bands. 2 of my 3.5 friends play the guitar. I work in Boston, and I see homeless people with instruments. Where is this music drought they speak of? It fuckin' blows my mind to pieces that I can't locate the source of the drought. 

So, to those of you still clinging onto the dangling dick of the music industry, just let go and dive into the piss bowl the rest of us recognize as reality. I know we all have delusions of the discovery of our otherwise unoriginal talents that will thrust us into Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Clinton's inner circle, but it is important to ensure that this inevitable waste of time does not effect your welfare in this unforgiving world. Teehee ;P
If this woman can't make it in the rap game, I don't know who can.

I fuckin' don't know where I was going with this. It sounded much better in my head. Anyway, music's great; I'm just being an ignorant cacafaht.


  1. There is a theory that says music helps people learn other subjects faster, such as math and science. However, if you look at most musicians, it seems as though the subjects they learn are drug use, unprotected sex and how to be a douchebag. I love a nice sax, which is what most homeless people seem to play. However, in today's world, it is all Audiotune and Protools-talent is no longer required.

    1. I hear you there. I'm not saying all musicians have that self-entitlement, smug aura to them, but a lot of them do. Nothing wrong with picking up a guitar, but don't expect to make it big.