So after taking my 9th piss of the day due to an overdose of coffee, I stared in the mirror and adjusted my tie. What a silly thing a tie is. It got me wondering where ties actually came from. However, instead of googling the answer, I came up with my own conclusion because I’m bat-shit insane.
Anyway, I thought of it this way:
Ties are most commonly worn in the business world. Therefore, the origin of such a strange article of clothing must’ve originated from a businessman. So, the story begins with a miserable businessman named… Dory? Dory hated his life and constantly had thoughts of suicide. One day, after monotonous years of punching useless numbers into Excel, Dory decided to end it all. Dory went home and lined up a stool under his ceiling fan. He grabbed a rope, fastened a noose in it, and wrapped it around the fan. He confidently balanced himself atop the stool and comfortably nestled his neck within the noose. He knew that whatever was to come after life was better than the dark confinements of his ice-shit-grey cubicle. So, with just slight hesitation, he kicked the stool out from underneath him. His whole life was summarized within that 2 foot drop. When suddenly, the ceiling fan came along for the ride and landed on his head, knocking him unconscious.
The next day, Dory woke up extremely concussed. To him it was just another work day. He lifted himself off the ground and headed straight to work. His mind was reduced to scrambled eggs for the moment. He walked through the doors of his shit building and planted himself in his cubicle. Little did he know, he had amassed a crowd of co-workers around his cubicle. People looked at him in awe for the noose he tried to kill himself with the very night before still hung from his neck.
“Brilliant!” screamed Billy.
“What fashion sense!” said the office whore.
Everyone was so turned on by his apparel that they too showed up to work the next day with ropes tied around there neck. So began Dory’s business of ties. He became a millionaire overnight. Dory changed his name to something less gay and happily lived the rest of his life.
To this day we still commemorate Dory’s accidental discovery, and continue to tie rope around our necks to remind us that we are all capable of great things kinda.
Photoshopping skills, HOOOOO!