Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Irreversibly, Infinitely Flawed Design Thing


A horrible affliction has cursed mankind for centuries. A cure has yet to be found for this physical ailment that defiles almost every man and woman. Of course, you all must know what I’m talking about: The Jeanus.

I should've warned you before that this post contained graphic material.

For those of you who have never worn pants before, ‘jeanus’ is the scientific term for the elevated bulge that appears above your private region when you sit. What makes this disorder worse is that is creates the illusion that there is a tiny peepee boner poking through your jeans. Despite the constant adjustments one does to concave the jeanus, it always returns to its hollow, phallic shape. All you can think about is all the strangers staring at your lap in disgust as this dinky, bulge gawks up at you.

Mankind has invented wind turbines, space stations, 3 ply toilet paper, dirt, and even Michael Jordan’s lay flat collar, but it has yet to discover the lay flat jean. We have yet to unravel the same mystery that stumped the likes of Einstein, Hawking, and MacGyver.

Will we ever escape the embarrassment and shame of that lurking jeanus or will we be forever enslaved and humiliated by that ghastly growth? Should we just cower to the superior design of the jeanus? That which crumbles and raises itself again. Is it true that our brains don’t wield the cognitive capacity to defeat the greatest threat to mankind? Only the future will tell. For the time being, may we all lurk in the shadows to hide our hideous disfigurements.

3 comments:

  1. I have a jeanus right now. The only solution I've found is to staple it back down.

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  2. I'm in the same boat. I'm sitting at my desk at work, and have have a massive, 2 story jeanus staring up at me. I don't know if my hands are steady enough to stable my jeanus down though. It's too dangerous to risk.

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    Replies
    1. Haha 2 story eh? That doesn't sound like a jeanus anymore.

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