Monday, January 30, 2012

Habits That Will Help You Live to 100

[Link] 11 Health Habits That Will Help You Live to 100 [Link]

This article contains some interesting suggestions that will hopefully allow you to reach the riveting age of 100 (Achievement Unlocked). Basically, the strategy is to do the opposite of everything I am currently doing. However, despite the multitude of healthy proposals described in this article, I can't help but that there are more habits that will aid in prolonging your life. So, here are a few examples I came up with on my own:

12) Avoid wrestling grizzly bears.
I know wrestling with a grizzly bear is enticing as ever given the season drawing them south for the winter, but it may come as a surprise that avoiding these creatures can actully protect you from many health risks. Grizzly bears are trained in the art of Greco-Roman wrestling from the time they are cubs long into adulthood. Initiating a sparring session with a grizzly bear doesn't take much effort, but they mimmick the behavior of a steriotypical, alcoholic frat boy in that they take things far beyond the extreme. If the bear happens to pin you, tapping out will unfortunately make them angrier. They may resort to yelling in your face or, if provoked enough, removing your face altogether. So, to ensure yourself a few extra years, avoid wrestling a grizzy bear because they don't like to lose.


13) Do not drink paint.
Paint has that alluring scent that makes one's mouth into a fountain, but despite its appetizing aroma, paint can actually be harmful to your internal organs. Huffing paint is all well and good, it strengthens the mind which sends signals to the rest of your body to relax and conserve energy. However, drinking paint has the opposite effect. The paint lines the internal organs and sends sporatic signals to your brain suggesting your body is under attack. Your brain tries to answer the multitude of incoming messages by releasing waves of antibodies that can only be described as rush-hour traffic. The antibodies become enraged that the microorganism asshole in front of him won't switch lanes therefore engaging in an internal form of mass road rage causing you to shit your pants and die.


14) Offer sacrifices to the pagan gods.
Pagan gods are undoubtedly real, and it would be beneficial for you to acquire their favor. Upsetting the gods might result in rapid blood loss from your anus or being crushed by a boulder. A simple goat a day would suffice, but if you manage to sacrifice a human baby, you will forever be on their good side. The gods will bestow gifts of longevity and one thousand dollars cash. !WARNING! Sacrificing yourself will not allow you to reach 100.

15) Don’t kill yourself.
This habit is vital in ensuring you live a long life. No matter how depressing, miserable, and mediocre your life is, you won’t achieve elderliness by downing copious amounts of ecstasy and diet loss pills or jumping in front of a subway car. Suicide hinders your ability to live by cutting off your life source. When you kill yourself, your brain sends signals to your body to fuck off and die, which inevitably leads to your death.

16)  Stay away from Drew Barrymore.

Drew Barrymore is a sorceress that sucks the life out of anyone that she encounters. It is apparent by Adam Sandler’s drastically dwindling youthful appearance since the movie, 50 First Dates. It’s how she’s been able to look the same age for decades. Unfortunately, with every endowment of immortality comes her everlasting lack of sexual appeal and acting ability. An encounter with Barrymore only hastens your approaching demise while allowing her to be continually cast for even more shitty roles in horrible movies.

17) If your friend is kidnapped by inbred hillbillies, go home.
You won’t be any use to rescuing your friend as these hillbillies have retard strength and an arsenal of pitchforks on hand. Chances are you will be forced to eat poop and die. Your best bet in this scenario is to go home. Admit that camping in Mississippi was a terrible deal, count your losses, and cook a healthy meal when you get back home. Calling the police would only put you in harm’s way as the police will want you to confirm the site of the kidnapping. In the process of doing so, they will be impaled by primitive spike traps, and you will be raped and chewed on by toothless gums.

Well, there you have it. I may have missed a few habits that you guys may pick up on. But, at least now the article has a more extensive list. It seemed to be lacking before.

9 comments:

  1. LOL I've seen Deliverance, I know how that hillbilly thing ends, won't come save anyone.

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    1. I've never seen that movie; I only know this from personal experience. But, I can already tell you'll live far beyond 100 with your wide based knowledge of the dangers of hillbillies.

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  2. Hi I came by your blog via the A to Z challenge list.

    I wish you good luck with the challenge.

    Yvonne.

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    1. Thanks, Yvonne. Good luck to you as well. Thanks for visiting my blog!

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  3. Yeah, your list is much much more helpful. Thanks for that. I mean seriously, floss every day??? Unless it's a ploy to get a zombie close enough to use the floss to twist around their throats, cut off their heads and (non-neurotically) place it in a bowl of fiber-LESS cereal made from Non-whole food grub . . . the other list had nothing to offer me. So what I'm saying is . . . Chiz . . . I owe you my life.

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    1. You are quite welcome, Dirty Bird. I don't even know how that article was published with such a lack of information. I hope I can save many more lives with my words.

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  4. PS - No friend is EVER important enough to risk a hillbilly from any "-ville" place. The world is full of people, there's lot of replacement friends to be had.

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  5. Grizzly bears scare me,....paint smells bad to me and besides I never listen to Dr. Phil's advice anyway,...suicide also scares me..., and Drew Barrymore tends to avoid me at all costs...and well, as far as the hillbillies, even when the movie "Deliverance" comes on, I cower under my bed in fear. The only one I have a problem with is the sacrifices...where the hell am I gonna find these many goats?????????

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    1. Good question. Fortunately, this site exists: www.rentagoat.com

      It's a little bit expensive, but you can't put a price on living an eternity.

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