Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Chiz on Headlights and High-beams

There's nothing more disappointing than finding out that half the animal crackers in your box are sheep.

Anyway, every driver has encountered this problem at one time or another. You're driving down the street in the dead of night. You then spot the trees lighten up, forewarning there is an approaching car on the other side of the road. It's nothing out of the ordinary so you keep your steady pace. When all of a sudden the car reaches the bend in the road and you are staring straight into the sun. As you shield your eyes, you flash your high-beams in hopes that Apollo's chariot dims his headlights. When all of a sudden the opposing driver pulls an M. Night Shyamalan and reveals that their high-beams were never on to begin with. That's when they unleash the power of a thousand suns and you become defenseless as your life flashes before your eyes. You manage to find a safe place to settle until the car finally passes. The night sky makes it hard for your vision to readjust, but after two long weeks your eyesight finally returns.

Which brings me to my point today: headlights that bear the illusion that they are always set to high-beams.

I feel as though it should be illegal to have this "5000 halogen" death beams. I can think of at least 400 countries that they're not street legal in.

I for one never feel the need to use my high beams except for the occasional "I'm letting you go" or "cops are up ahead" signal. I've never encountered a darkness so black that my normal piss-yellow lights haven't been able to penetrate it (trust me, I been deep in the Maine woods too).

For people who have these ridiculously unnecessary futuristic space lights, I demand that the hammer of justice be brought down. I mean literally brought down onto the hood of their cars and swung into their headlights so they can no longer drive at night and burden the common driver with their sunlamps. If that can't be done, I propose that light sensors be installed in the roads. Whenever a blinding light triggers the alarm, the senors will activate a cannon that launches several deer carcasses at the scene of the crime, hopefully pinning the driver down until police and an ambulances arrive. The driver (if still alive) will be taken into custody where they will be held for disturbing the peace, reckless driving, and being a total dick.

Anyway, my point is, cars don't need to mount spotlights on the front of their cars. Darkness is not getting any darker; there is no need for improvement.


  1. Thats nothing! More then half the people in the world are sheep!

  2. And if you ever change your mind about sheep, google has been sending people to my page that search for "sheep fuckin" . . . so YDB has you covered

    1. Haha. Yeah, I remember reading another post of yours saying that there was another inappropriate seach that kept linking to your page. I've had random searches link to my page but nothing as ridiculous as that.