Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Chiz on Cyclists

The best part about train rides: If you’re suffering from writer’s block, all you have to do it spot the closest snooty looking pair and hone in. Within seconds you’ll have something to rave about.

Courtesy of the two prissy fucks across from me, comes my topic of the day: Cyclists.

This is how the scenario usually plays out for me. I’m driving down my street and come up behind some dingleberry-fuck in the middle of the street showcasing a skintight jumpsuit and bouncing on top of his bicycle’s custom dildo-shaped seat. He gives the illusion that he’s peddling at mach5 due to his aerodynamic posture and nonstop foot action, but in reality, I could stop my car, get out, and push the fuckin’ thing faster than he’s moving. So, in the meantime, I’m attempting to find a clearing in the oncoming lane so that I can barrel roll around this fucker since he seems to think he’s more entitled to the road than I am. News flash: The road was not made for bicycles; it would be narrower if that was the case, and that’s a scientific fact! But, he’s training for Farmer Bailey’s Berkley 5k Race which is far more important than the millions of enraged fucks like me trying to get to work on time.

I wish that cars could just have complete control of the fuckin’ road. Frogger’s laissez-faire view on stopping for pedestrians should be implemented into the Constitution or some shit. I mean these cyclists have the same outlook on rules of the road as those fuckin’ idiots who cross the street without looking both ways. “Oh, well if they hit me, I can sue them, hurr durr.” No! You can’t sue them when you’re face is no longer attached to your body.

Furthermore, since the resonance from a blaring car horn can’t penetrate their futuristic space helmet, I feel as though it should be permissible to just give them a little nudge with my car. Nothing too extreme, I’ll just shove them ever so slightly with my bumper, nothing serious enough to cause any permanent damage. Or, if I’m patient enough and finally make it around them, maybe I can just throw like a bottle or coffee cup at them just to say, “hey, I don’t appreciate your lack of concern for my time management.” They are usually wearing sunglasses despite the time of day, so any glass shards that my run astray from the projectile’s impact won’t necessarily blind them.

Just a tiny nudge.

I mean, I’m willing to share the road, just as long as they are not on the road the same time as me. All I ask is that if you feel as though there’s a multiple ton object moving closer to you, pull to the side of the road and respect that vehicle’s superior mass. I know you may have the new Maxfaht Stain 2000 mountain bike, but unless it is equipped with the same gizmos as Inspector Gadget, I believe you are going to lose this game of chicken.


  1. When they drive in the middle of the street and line up at stop lights in the same lane as the cars, I want to fucking punch the shit out of them. Urg!!! Totally Fucking Agree!