Thursday, January 5, 2012

18 Year Old Widow Wastes Thug

No charges for teen widow who killed intruder

So, I was reading this article today because the title intrigued me. Surprisingly, the government made the right decision in this case and didn’t seek any charges on this sit-in vigilante. But, after finishing the article, it wasn’t the result of the crime that affected me more than the details that the journalist seems to overlook as if they are nothing special.

First off, the fact that this girl is a widow at the age of 18 doesn’t strike anyone as a little peculiar? I can understand her being married, sure, but to be a widow? That means this girl must’ve been married to her husband for less than a year before he passed away taking the age of consent into consideration. I figured her young, strapping husband must have been tragically killed over seas or killed in a horrific boating accident. Then the journalist tamely drops a bomb on us: "McKinley's husband Kenneth, 58, who died on Christmas Day after being hospitalized with complications from lung cancer."

… Wait a fuckin’ second. 58 years old. Fifty fuckin’ eight years old!? This guy has more years under his belt than I have pubic hair on my balls! How is it that the journalist can just utter this statement so nonchalant? This factor deserves a story of its own.

Fuck. Anyway, moving on. While a guy attempts to break into her house, this girl does what any other functioning person would do: she calls the cops. While on the phone, she lays her baby down and sticks a cigar in its mouth and grabs a pistol. But, what she does next will make you fall out of your chair. Pistol in hand, she goes to the next room and grabs a 12-gauge. This girl’s slappin’ on dat perk and running akimbo. Meanwhile, this fuckin’ retard at the door is still banging at the door not knowing that there is a one woman firing squad on the other side.

The girl then asks the dispatcher if she can shoot the prick. The dispatcher, like a straight up boss, calmly states,  “I can't tell you that you can do that, but you have to do what you have to do to protect your baby. It’s go time as soon as this idiot enters the door. So, the girl sits there with probably the biggest shit-eating grin in the world, hoping this mutha fucka busts through that door. Then it happens, the guy finally breaks down the door and is suddenly forced into a real-life action film where he unfortunately plays the role of the villain. The hero stands in front of him in a cinematic pose aiming a pistol and (I’m assuming) wielding a 12-gauge with one hand. So what does Dr. Wicked do? He runs in and fills his role as the villian as he is masta’ blasted by a hail of gunfire. His friend? Oh, he retreats like Starscream.

But, he soon finds justice too. Not only did he see is accomplice and friend blow to pieces, but he even gets charged with his murder. Bravo judicial system, Bravo.

As you can tell by now, I spent copious hours Photoshopping this shit. Appreciate.

Yeah, that’s probably not how it really played out. But, I feel as though I addressed the main issues that the original journalist ignorantly overlooked.


  1. Nice revision. you missed your calling as a journalist.

    Say hellooooo to my little friend!

  2. Ha, I love the additions.

    PS - Some older guys are hot, so don't player hate . . . congratulate.