Monday, January 30, 2012

Habits That Will Help You Live to 100

[Link] 11 Health Habits That Will Help You Live to 100 [Link]

This article contains some interesting suggestions that will hopefully allow you to reach the riveting age of 100 (Achievement Unlocked). Basically, the strategy is to do the opposite of everything I am currently doing. However, despite the multitude of healthy proposals described in this article, I can't help but that there are more habits that will aid in prolonging your life. So, here are a few examples I came up with on my own:

12) Avoid wrestling grizzly bears.
I know wrestling with a grizzly bear is enticing as ever given the season drawing them south for the winter, but it may come as a surprise that avoiding these creatures can actully protect you from many health risks. Grizzly bears are trained in the art of Greco-Roman wrestling from the time they are cubs long into adulthood. Initiating a sparring session with a grizzly bear doesn't take much effort, but they mimmick the behavior of a steriotypical, alcoholic frat boy in that they take things far beyond the extreme. If the bear happens to pin you, tapping out will unfortunately make them angrier. They may resort to yelling in your face or, if provoked enough, removing your face altogether. So, to ensure yourself a few extra years, avoid wrestling a grizzy bear because they don't like to lose.

13) Do not drink paint.
Paint has that alluring scent that makes one's mouth into a fountain, but despite its appetizing aroma, paint can actually be harmful to your internal organs. Huffing paint is all well and good, it strengthens the mind which sends signals to the rest of your body to relax and conserve energy. However, drinking paint has the opposite effect. The paint lines the internal organs and sends sporatic signals to your brain suggesting your body is under attack. Your brain tries to answer the multitude of incoming messages by releasing waves of antibodies that can only be described as rush-hour traffic. The antibodies become enraged that the microorganism asshole in front of him won't switch lanes therefore engaging in an internal form of mass road rage causing you to shit your pants and die.

14) Offer sacrifices to the pagan gods.
Pagan gods are undoubtedly real, and it would be beneficial for you to acquire their favor. Upsetting the gods might result in rapid blood loss from your anus or being crushed by a boulder. A simple goat a day would suffice, but if you manage to sacrifice a human baby, you will forever be on their good side. The gods will bestow gifts of longevity and one thousand dollars cash. !WARNING! Sacrificing yourself will not allow you to reach 100.

15) Don’t kill yourself.
This habit is vital in ensuring you live a long life. No matter how depressing, miserable, and mediocre your life is, you won’t achieve elderliness by downing copious amounts of ecstasy and diet loss pills or jumping in front of a subway car. Suicide hinders your ability to live by cutting off your life source. When you kill yourself, your brain sends signals to your body to fuck off and die, which inevitably leads to your death.

16)  Stay away from Drew Barrymore.

Drew Barrymore is a sorceress that sucks the life out of anyone that she encounters. It is apparent by Adam Sandler’s drastically dwindling youthful appearance since the movie, 50 First Dates. It’s how she’s been able to look the same age for decades. Unfortunately, with every endowment of immortality comes her everlasting lack of sexual appeal and acting ability. An encounter with Barrymore only hastens your approaching demise while allowing her to be continually cast for even more shitty roles in horrible movies.

17) If your friend is kidnapped by inbred hillbillies, go home.
You won’t be any use to rescuing your friend as these hillbillies have retard strength and an arsenal of pitchforks on hand. Chances are you will be forced to eat poop and die. Your best bet in this scenario is to go home. Admit that camping in Mississippi was a terrible deal, count your losses, and cook a healthy meal when you get back home. Calling the police would only put you in harm’s way as the police will want you to confirm the site of the kidnapping. In the process of doing so, they will be impaled by primitive spike traps, and you will be raped and chewed on by toothless gums.

Well, there you have it. I may have missed a few habits that you guys may pick up on. But, at least now the article has a more extensive list. It seemed to be lacking before.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Save The... Music? Seriously?

I can't get rid of the white highlighting no matter what I do. So, ignore it I guess?

Billy the Guitarist has been in the music business for three years. He opens his cupboard to gaze upon the vast assortment of Top Ramen and Maruchan Instant Lunches. After much internal debate, Billy the Guitarist settles on the chicken flavored noodles. He tears the package open above the boiling pot of water as the carefully woven brick of noodles falls into the hot pool. He begins stirring the contents of the pot, mixing the noodles into a tangled jungle of blandness. Looking out the window, he sees Christmas lights strewn across the balconies of his neighboring tenants. His lips curl into a fragile smile, and he whispers to himself, “what the hell; it’s Christmas.” He makes his way to the cupboard and grabs a second brick of Ramen.

Why am I telling you this story? Is it the poignant condition the economy has left our citizens in? Is it the tradition to spoil ourselves but a few times a year? No, I will tell you why. It’s because there are way too many musicians in the world.

I’m not declaring that there is anything particularly wrong with playing an instrument out of sheer love for music. Hell, I love fuckin’ music (I also like listening to it). But, these rallies claiming that music is a dying art has flocked billions of people to pick up an instrument under the delusion that they will make it big in this “collapsing business.” However, the fact is that there are way too many people sharing this same delusion, making it harder to become a rock star than a global dictator.

While I was in college, I would walk by at least 700 billion hipsters parking their asses on a grassy knoll singing a song that “only free spirited, intellectuals” would understand. Despite this observation, VH1 still feels the need to Save The Music. To those of you  unfamiliar with the Save the Music Foundation, the website describes it as, "a non-profit organization dedicated to restoring instrumental music education in America's public schools... the VH1 Save The Music Foundation has provided $48 million in new musical instruments to 1,800 public schools..." In case your mind blocked out the mindfucking information provided: yes, $48 million... $48,000,000.00... Forty-eight million dollars. They have pumped $48 millions dollars into buying musical instruments. Well ,I guess providing keyboards to the already over privileged middle-class students of America is just as important as the failing economy, job loss, cancer/HIV research, third-world depression, increasing homeless population, crumbling social security, dwindling health-care options, war effort, and zombifying Steve Jobs. As long as we create more Justin Beibers and Rebecca Blacks, there's no need to pass on this measly $48 million to those other lame and gay issues. 

I live in a town with a population of about 20,000. Of this population, there are apparently 33,042 bands. 2 of my 3.5 friends play the guitar. I work in Boston, and I see homeless people with instruments. Where is this music drought they speak of? It fuckin' blows my mind to pieces that I can't locate the source of the drought. 

So, to those of you still clinging onto the dangling dick of the music industry, just let go and dive into the piss bowl the rest of us recognize as reality. I know we all have delusions of the discovery of our otherwise unoriginal talents that will thrust us into Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Clinton's inner circle, but it is important to ensure that this inevitable waste of time does not effect your welfare in this unforgiving world. Teehee ;P
If this woman can't make it in the rap game, I don't know who can.

I fuckin' don't know where I was going with this. It sounded much better in my head. Anyway, music's great; I'm just being an ignorant cacafaht.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

A-Z Blogging Challenge

So, I discovered this challenge after reading a post by Addman, on his blog Muppets For Justice.

Any of you who think you have the balls and ovaries to take on this challenge, start stocking up on BENGAY and memorizing the alphabet. For those of you who have miserable blogs like mine, take this upcoming April to prove to your fellow superior bloggers that you are not going to fizzle off into obscurity like those parental blogs. Prove that you are here for the long haul despite your minimal pages views and followers. After all, it's not about the statistics; it's all about the young children who stumble onto your blog and become scarred by the horrific content on your page. It's knowing that you have permanently skewed little Timmy's outlook on life.

So, this is a calling to arms. Raise up you sword of doubt and shield of mediocrity! Follow beside me into battle my brothers and sisters! I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about! Just do the damn challenge if you know what's best for you! I just fuckin' woke up!

Friday, January 27, 2012

Recount of a Nightmare

Have you ever had a nightmare that spun you in a funk the whole day? Well, I had one of them babies last night.

So, I know the dream went on a while before this scene, but this is the part I vaguely remember. These people were standing around a little girl in a polka-dotted, red dress with an unmistakable look of horror plastered on their faces. The setting was a brown, run-down amusement park. The girl in the center of the crowd began talking (About what? I don't know) and then proceeded to scream. She was spastically jerking every which way when suddenly, the girl’s body split in half, and numerous, purple tentacles jet out from her body impaling the people standing around her. Everyone but me; I’m but a spectator. She proceeds to lift them a good 15 ft of the ground. Then she simultaneously tears all the peoples’ right arms off taking away a slab from the lower right part of their face down to their hip. She then drops the people who are somehow still alive, and as they hit the ground, they all bounce back up out of the pool of their own blood and start running. My vision hones in on one guy who’s at a steady trot because he can’t run, and for some reason I could read his thoughts as he was running away. He’s was thinking something along the lines of, “I can’t take the pain, but I can’t stop running” if I remember correctly. All the while he was running, his left eye began sagging down his face. A purple tentacle then slams him through the chest and drags him face down through the gravel and back to the mass of people being torn apart.

The scariest part is that these people wanted to died, but were forced to suffer instead while enduring torture that would have killed any normal person instantly. The worst part was hearing the thoughts and desperation of the guy I was following.

But then I realized what was truly the scariest part of the dream… the realization that I’m still having nightmares about monsters when I’m a grown-ass man. Perhaps it has something to do with my overwhelming immaturity or my habit of eating way too much sugar before I go to bed, but I feel as though when a human being reaches a certain point in life, nightmares should only consist of worries such as being late on the rent payment, or forgetting to TiVo an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. If anything, I believe my nightmares have only become more gory and horrifying. I mean, what thought in my mind could’ve conjured up an event such as that portrayed in my dream?

Bah it’s probably because I started reading again. I’m actually putting my imagination to use rather than watching 30 Rock while simultaneously watching funny cat videos on YouTube.

Eh, anyway. Just thought I’d get a quick post in before bed. Probably going to get a lot of hits from people trying to find tentacle porn now.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Chiz on Headlights and High-beams

There's nothing more disappointing than finding out that half the animal crackers in your box are sheep.

Anyway, every driver has encountered this problem at one time or another. You're driving down the street in the dead of night. You then spot the trees lighten up, forewarning there is an approaching car on the other side of the road. It's nothing out of the ordinary so you keep your steady pace. When all of a sudden the car reaches the bend in the road and you are staring straight into the sun. As you shield your eyes, you flash your high-beams in hopes that Apollo's chariot dims his headlights. When all of a sudden the opposing driver pulls an M. Night Shyamalan and reveals that their high-beams were never on to begin with. That's when they unleash the power of a thousand suns and you become defenseless as your life flashes before your eyes. You manage to find a safe place to settle until the car finally passes. The night sky makes it hard for your vision to readjust, but after two long weeks your eyesight finally returns.

Which brings me to my point today: headlights that bear the illusion that they are always set to high-beams.

I feel as though it should be illegal to have this "5000 halogen" death beams. I can think of at least 400 countries that they're not street legal in.

I for one never feel the need to use my high beams except for the occasional "I'm letting you go" or "cops are up ahead" signal. I've never encountered a darkness so black that my normal piss-yellow lights haven't been able to penetrate it (trust me, I been deep in the Maine woods too).

For people who have these ridiculously unnecessary futuristic space lights, I demand that the hammer of justice be brought down. I mean literally brought down onto the hood of their cars and swung into their headlights so they can no longer drive at night and burden the common driver with their sunlamps. If that can't be done, I propose that light sensors be installed in the roads. Whenever a blinding light triggers the alarm, the senors will activate a cannon that launches several deer carcasses at the scene of the crime, hopefully pinning the driver down until police and an ambulances arrive. The driver (if still alive) will be taken into custody where they will be held for disturbing the peace, reckless driving, and being a total dick.

Anyway, my point is, cars don't need to mount spotlights on the front of their cars. Darkness is not getting any darker; there is no need for improvement.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Letter to Mansfield Commuter Rail Parking Committee

Well, I had another post in store for today, but the surprise $50 parking ticket greeting me after a hard day’s work has given me an opportunity to write something of substance. It shouldn’t have been a surprise seeing the ticket considering I instantly knew what it was for, but having dodged a ticket after paying less than the $4 for parking fee at least 43 times allowed this violation to catch me off guard. I’m not mad though; I paid the check instantly (after failing to locate a phone number to harass them), and I’ve learned my lesson. Yet, I still feel as though I should give them some advice as to how to put the money I gave them to good use. Welp, here we go.

Dear Mansfield Commuter Rail Parking Committee,

Any minute you will be receiving the $50 I made out to your name in the mail. First off, I want to thank you for not paying for the postage since I needed to buy stamps anyway. It was very gracious of you to remind me of my chores. Anyway, I digress. Since you will be receiving my $50 along with several other violation checks, I think I should have a vote in what you do with the money. So, here are a few suggestions:

1)      As aesthetically pleasing the crater-filled, dirt/gravel parking lot is, it would be nice to maybe have a section or two of it paved. I know in today’s economy it was cost at least $40,000 per square foot of cement, but if you pile up all those violation checks, you might be able to reach this goal. It would be worth the $4 every day to have the sensation that I’m driving on solid ground and not a pile of dead bodies. Also, I wouldn’t have to leap over the pond that permanently occupies every spot. I will miss the trees growing in the middle of the street, though.

2)      Maybe you could be courteous enough to place a change machine somewhere in the vicinity. Even if you charged a dollar to use it, I’d still be a frequent customer. I mean, when I think parking lot prices, exactly $4 is what comes to mind. The only reasonable price that asks for the most amount of one dollar bills. What better way to entrap the common working man than to ask the price that’s hardest to maintain. Why don’t I ask the cashiers inside the station for change, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you why in this next suggestion.

3)      You can easily just use my check alone to fill the cash registers with enough money to ensure everyone receives proper change for their ticket purchases. Having lost roughly $20 due to not receiving the proper change, I feel it necessary that you address the problem with having change already in the register when you open. I know that it sound like an outrageous plan that has never been attempted in any business before, but it might be crazy enough to work. However, I do find it humorous when I ask for change, and the alcohol-soaked cashiers point to the tray harboring $4.75 in nickels and dimes on the counter when my change due is $8. But, all jokes must come to an end.

4)      Another possibility is that you could expand the lot. I’m sure the run down foundations located feet from the parking lot is running at about $1 million an acre; so, this proposition may be out of the question. But, when I saw that you checked of a $25 additional charge on the ticket for not having a residential pass, it begged me to question where exactly are the non-residential parking spots located? I visited this lot many, many times in my life and have yet to see a single spot that isn’t marked with a “Residential Parking Only” sign. Maybe, this neighboring, multi-million dollar plot can be bought to make some non-residential spots, maybe?

Ah, well. Those are just some ridiculous propositions that I have for you guys. I know all these suggestions are out of the question due to their ludicrous nature. But, if you someday find the funds to pave the lot or provide easier access, it would be wonderful and I know my $50 has been put to good use. But, seeing as these proposals are beyond your grasp, I’ll allow you to spend it on catered lunches for your office provided by Taco Bell. I hope you guys don’t get a stomachache, though L.

Thank you so much for the life lesson.


The Guy Who is going to Find You and Throw a Spear into The Soft Spot of Your Fuckin’ Head
I outlined what appeared to be Satan watching over the Mansfield Commuter Rail.
This explains everything.

Monday, January 23, 2012

The Hunger Games

This post has some slight spoilers. Nothing to ruin the book, though. Major spoilers are highlighted.

Sorry I broke my promise to have a post every 2 days, but recently I've been using my train time to read The Hunger Games Trilogy in time for the movies release date (March 23rd).

Anyway, I've only finished the first book, and I must say, I'm extremely excited for the movie to come out now. I'm not usually big into reading, but this book was ridiculously good. The day I finished it I had my girlfriend pick up the next book, Catching Fire, at Walmart while on the way to my house. I've been looking up the crew on, and I'm happy to see that Gary Ross is the director (Pleasantville). Also, Woody Harrelson as Haymitch? Sign me up. Couldn't think of a better character to play the part (although he's described as a stalky man in the book).

However, I am a bit dismayed that the movie is rated PG-13. I'm not going to lie; I do enjoy a graphic movie now and then, but that is not the reason that I believe it will be very difficult to properly portray the story on the big screen with such a leniant rating. It's easy to say that this book has some pretty detailed graphic scenes, but it's left to the imagination the extremity of the gore. Because of that younger teens can pick up the book and not shit their pants. But, how are you supposed to depict the graphic murder scenes in the film without showing too much bloodshed and violence? Bah, maybe my imagination has just portrayed the book to be a lot more gory than Collins intended.

*MAJOR SPOILER ALERT* (Highlight text to view)
I am mostly interested in how they are going to portray Cato's prolonged death in the movie as that scene is not exactly suitable for younger teens. I'm willing to bet they use regular old wolves instead of the mutations as it will cast away any need for explanation. Also, I was hoping the tracker jacker scene would be absolutely gory and insane, but the rating rules that out. Apparently the actors are raving about that scene though; so, let's keep our fingers crossed.
Anyway, I was thinking how sweet it would be to make this into a video game. Have 24 players enter the arena, and you basically just sit at your computer trying not to die while living off a stockpile of Cheetos and Moutain Dew. Epic.

Anyway, I know my promises mean nothing, but I will upload a better blog tomorrow. Also, if you haven't read the book, give it a shot; you won't be disappointed (unless you are and I look like a fool). Bah, anyway, I'm about a fourth of the way through the second book. I'm a slow reader.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Indiana Jones Trek to Class

[Link] Hold On! A Perilous Trek to School [Link]

"Walking uphill both ways" just doesn't seem to cut it anymore.

I think I would've looked forward to going to school if I had to wrestle an Indiana Jones-worthy obstacle course everyday. It would also be good population control; survival of the fittest.

Don't worry; I got another post coming today. I just thought this was epic.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Irreversibly, Infinitely Flawed Design Thing

A horrible affliction has cursed mankind for centuries. A cure has yet to be found for this physical ailment that defiles almost every man and woman. Of course, you all must know what I’m talking about: The Jeanus.

I should've warned you before that this post contained graphic material.

For those of you who have never worn pants before, ‘jeanus’ is the scientific term for the elevated bulge that appears above your private region when you sit. What makes this disorder worse is that is creates the illusion that there is a tiny peepee boner poking through your jeans. Despite the constant adjustments one does to concave the jeanus, it always returns to its hollow, phallic shape. All you can think about is all the strangers staring at your lap in disgust as this dinky, bulge gawks up at you.

Mankind has invented wind turbines, space stations, 3 ply toilet paper, dirt, and even Michael Jordan’s lay flat collar, but it has yet to discover the lay flat jean. We have yet to unravel the same mystery that stumped the likes of Einstein, Hawking, and MacGyver.

Will we ever escape the embarrassment and shame of that lurking jeanus or will we be forever enslaved and humiliated by that ghastly growth? Should we just cower to the superior design of the jeanus? That which crumbles and raises itself again. Is it true that our brains don’t wield the cognitive capacity to defeat the greatest threat to mankind? Only the future will tell. For the time being, may we all lurk in the shadows to hide our hideous disfigurements.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Hipsters and Their Superior Knowledge of The Universe

I hate when you are having a conversation about the complexities of the universe and how it came about, and then, a bow-tie wearing hipster fashioning thick-rimmed glasses comes over steals the spotlight with his "superior" intellect. This is how this conversation usually pans out:

Average Joe: I mean, it could be possible that there's a greater power guiding evolution.
Average Jane: Hell, I believe in a divine being of some sort.
Average Joe: Maybe it's our curse to never discover the truth.
(enter Hipster Demetrius)
Hipster Demetrius: I heard you're conversation. You guys are just falling victim to the Pope and his media fat cats. Science is the answer.
Average Joe: Well Demetrius, everything's a theory. So, people are entitled to their opin--
Hipster Demetrius: Nope! Science is the answer. Listen to logic you simpletons.
Average Jane: I agree with Joe. Nothing in the world can truly be prov--
Hipster Demetrius: No! You're wrong. You guys are just crazy conservatives. Science is a fact.

Usually the conversation ends with the average Joes and Janes picking up the hipster Demetriuses and placing him in the middle of the street to which the hipster Demetriuses reply, "You're only mad 'cause you know I'm right." When the fact is that these hipster people are just so relentless and ignorant to other people's beliefs that they won't let them get a word in edgewise for fear of being proven wrong. This eventually drives the regular, everyday people to commit heinous acts to these said intellectuals.

How can they possibly know that all theories are truths? Did they rope themselves to Stephen Hawking's wheelchair and blast off into the cosmos? Did they reach the edge of the universe and call of God's name to which their was no reply? I didn't know that these hipsters could so easily acquire this knowledge that is otherwise unobtainable to the rest of humanity.

They feel no need to explain themselves either. The only argument that farts out of their mouths is "logic." I mean, reason is applicable to many things in the world: You touch a hot stove; you don't do it again. You see a lion on the sidewalk; you run. When a child is crying in public; you throw it in a dumpster. There are many common sense situations we can apply reason and logic to. However, explaining the universe and all things within it with a single word is simply ignorant.

But, what the fuck. If these hipster's believe that they know the truth of the infinite reaches of space, let them be completely self-involved and continue believing their false sense of superiority. Their skinny jeans and beanies have limited blood flow; therefore, we should pity hipsters for it is difficult for them to process information in a correct manner.
I tried to write a funny caption, but this photo already speaks for itself.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Teenagers and Their Stupid Faces

I wish it was still legal for strangers to beat the shit out of teenagers. I mean I try not to have anything against teenagers because I was a little shit stain like them at some point, but I mean some just do some things that make me want to yank their fuckin’ stupid hair out.

While I was still working at the movie theater, Friday and Saturday breaks would be hell. I would leave the kitchen, and it was like wading through a sea of malfunctioning Furby dolls. I’d make my way upstairs to grab my 9th Dunkin’ Donuts iced coffee of the day, and I’d pass by these groups of teenagers lying in the halls. And, I know what’s going to happen. One of the fuckin’ cool kids is going to try and start a conversation with me or say hi or something gay like that. And, sure enough, one of the little flapjack fucks says hi to me, and all the girls giggle. And, all I want to do it grab the little shit by his neck fat and throw him off the fuckin’ balcony. But, I keep it quaint and politely tell him to go fuck himself to which they are for some reason stunned by, like they’ve never heard that response before.  Then they’d continue on with their fuckin’ stupid conversation about how their parents are letting them stay out until 11 that night.

I finally make it to the Patriot Place plaza located next to my theater to grab some Dunkin’. I proceed to shove my way through waves of tilted flat-brim hats and hooded tough guys. I enter Dunkin’ and the teens are there waiting in line. Usually, anyone ahead of me in line at Dunkin’ Donuts is automatically on my shit list; the fact that they are sucking up my air talking about how Sarah sucks a lot of peepees just makes them a bigger threat. Then one of the tough guys leans to his posse and exclaims, “I need to get in a fight, man. I haven’t been in a fight in like a week.” To which his fellow pickle-smoochers reply, “I know, right? I need to kick someone’s ass too.” Then the images start flashing through my head. I grab the nearest solid object and hit the kid really fuckin’ hard in the head. While, his friends scatter by the blood-spattered, crazed look on my face, I grab my medium blueberry iced coffee with milk and sugar that’s already waiting for me at the counter because I’m a frequent customer and drag the kid’s corpse to the parking lot. Once it hits 11 o’clock, I search for the child’s parent or guardian to squeal up to the curb in their Mercedes. I then proceed to squish the teenager up into a ball and shove him through the driver’s side window. I then clock back into break and continue working as a slave behind the line.

Unfortunately, I come to and I’m still waiting in fuckin’ line behind these pricks. It’s not fair, I wish I was an old person in that era where it was still socially acceptable to throw a disrespectful teenager at a bunch of parked cars. But, then again, I’m also acting like the person I hoped I’d never be like. But, I accept it, it’s just part of growing up to hate the generation that comes after you.

Man, I think my posts are getting more violent.

Anyway, shit like this is what I'm talking about. I mean I wish Dwayne Johnson, The Rock, was the bus driver instead of this poor old lady. He wouldn't stand for this shit. He would relentlessly unleash people's elbow after people's elbow on these mutha fuckas. Tossing seats around like they were twirling batons. /disengage rage.

Alright, sorry for the lackluster post.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Chiz on Cyclists

The best part about train rides: If you’re suffering from writer’s block, all you have to do it spot the closest snooty looking pair and hone in. Within seconds you’ll have something to rave about.

Courtesy of the two prissy fucks across from me, comes my topic of the day: Cyclists.

This is how the scenario usually plays out for me. I’m driving down my street and come up behind some dingleberry-fuck in the middle of the street showcasing a skintight jumpsuit and bouncing on top of his bicycle’s custom dildo-shaped seat. He gives the illusion that he’s peddling at mach5 due to his aerodynamic posture and nonstop foot action, but in reality, I could stop my car, get out, and push the fuckin’ thing faster than he’s moving. So, in the meantime, I’m attempting to find a clearing in the oncoming lane so that I can barrel roll around this fucker since he seems to think he’s more entitled to the road than I am. News flash: The road was not made for bicycles; it would be narrower if that was the case, and that’s a scientific fact! But, he’s training for Farmer Bailey’s Berkley 5k Race which is far more important than the millions of enraged fucks like me trying to get to work on time.

I wish that cars could just have complete control of the fuckin’ road. Frogger’s laissez-faire view on stopping for pedestrians should be implemented into the Constitution or some shit. I mean these cyclists have the same outlook on rules of the road as those fuckin’ idiots who cross the street without looking both ways. “Oh, well if they hit me, I can sue them, hurr durr.” No! You can’t sue them when you’re face is no longer attached to your body.

Furthermore, since the resonance from a blaring car horn can’t penetrate their futuristic space helmet, I feel as though it should be permissible to just give them a little nudge with my car. Nothing too extreme, I’ll just shove them ever so slightly with my bumper, nothing serious enough to cause any permanent damage. Or, if I’m patient enough and finally make it around them, maybe I can just throw like a bottle or coffee cup at them just to say, “hey, I don’t appreciate your lack of concern for my time management.” They are usually wearing sunglasses despite the time of day, so any glass shards that my run astray from the projectile’s impact won’t necessarily blind them.

Just a tiny nudge.

I mean, I’m willing to share the road, just as long as they are not on the road the same time as me. All I ask is that if you feel as though there’s a multiple ton object moving closer to you, pull to the side of the road and respect that vehicle’s superior mass. I know you may have the new Maxfaht Stain 2000 mountain bike, but unless it is equipped with the same gizmos as Inspector Gadget, I believe you are going to lose this game of chicken.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

"Avoid Ghetto" GPS App Controversy

Synopsis: Microsoft creates an app for GPS devices that steers the driver clear of “ghettos” and high-crime areas. It is controversial due to its “racist” nature.

Let’s start off by weighing these options: Would you rather be politically correct and drive your Prius down the streets of Detroit while Miley Cyrus plays over the radio, or would you rather avoid getting masta blasted in the fuckin’ face and have your lifeless body flung from your car as it’s driven to the nearest dealer by its new owner?

I’m sorry, if you answer yes to the latter then you are a no-good, dirty racist pig like me. According to this article, the correct answer is to plaster a big, dumb fuckin’ grin on your face as you drive through Compton absorbing hollow points to the fuckin’ larynx.

Of course, in today’s society, it’s more important not to offend someone than it is to be face raped by a gun barrel for the change in your pocket. I mean great job on AOL’s part in trying to suggest a probably way of decreasing America’s overpopulation, but I would much rather plug this app into my GPS than be on the wrong side of a bazooka (ghettos get their name from 'bazooka').

“It’s pretty appalling,” says Sarah E. Chinn, author of Technology and the Logic of American Racism. “Of course an application like this defines crime pretty narrowly, since all crimes happen in all kinds of neighborhoods. I can’t imagine that there aren’t perpetrators of domestic violence, petty and insignificant drug possession, fraud, theft, and rape in every area.”

Valid point Chinn; Farmville even has its fair share of crimes. I suppose the mystery of who stole an apple from Ol’ Booradley’s Orchard equates to the petty crimes that happen on the daily in Flint, MI. But, let’s be crazy for a second. Let’s just assume that one of these areas outweighs the other in crime rates. Would you want mini-Chinn driving through Pedophile Lane, Rapeville, MI? Let’s not dish out a hasty response; remember it’s important not to offend anyone. Take a second to think this over. If your daughter drives through an area so condensed by Family Watchdog threats that the air smells like chloroform, you’d be fine with that wouldn’t you Chinn? Who gives a shit if anything happens, as long as you don’t offend anyone.

Believe me, I've driven through areas I certainly did not belong in because I was lost or my car broke down. It's not fun. There's a difference between racial profiling and just plain common sense. If there's a bunch of 6 year-olds playing soccer in the middle of the street at 2 in the morning on a school day while their parents reload M16 cartridges on their front porch, it's time to cash in your fucks and turn around.

Ah, anyway. Before I take this too far, I think I’ll give this subject a rest. So, the conclusion is: it’s essential to be politically correct even if it means deepthroating a few bullets. I guess. Bah, it’s bed time.

Monday, January 9, 2012

My 7 Most Anticipated Films of 2012

This is for those who couldn't read my earlier blog post on The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

I know; everyone has one of these fuckin' lists on their blog. But, let me tell you this... I'm not original. Therefore, I'm gonna copy them and provide my top movies. I'm going from 7 to 1; 1 being my most anticipated. Here we go!

7) Ted
Mark Wahlberg plays an adult whose childhood wish comes true when his cherished teddy bear comes to life. Not much else is known about the film beside Seth MacFarlane being the director. Why is this movie on my list then? I believe it's an original concept, and we should all know by now how hard those are to come by. I'm picturing something along the lines of the television miniseries Wilfred which (if you haven't seen by now) you should take a gander at.

6) The Divide
A bunch of apartment tenants hold out in the apartment's basement bunker during a nuclear holocaust. The close quarters wears on the tenants both physically and mentally. I'm a big fan of the post-apocalyptic genre; therefore, this is an automatic "Fuch Yeah!" for me. 

5) Snow White and the Huntsman
Don't know too much about this film other than the trailer looks pretty epic. Looks to be  an interesting twist on a childhood fairy tail. Everyone's bitching like cacaheads that it has the girl from Twilight, but I've never seen those movies so nothing's spoiled for me.

4) The Avengers
I’m still surprisingly on the fence about this movie. Iron Man and Thor were great movies, but in comparison to Captain America, it’s easy to shine. I’ll leave the Hulk movies out of this seeing as they just pulled some actor out of their ass for this one. Anyway, super hero movies have the tendency to be pretty good at times, but unfortunately, they can just as easily bomb. This movie has been a long time coming; so, considering the preparation so far. I’m including this movie on my list.

3) The Hunger Games
I don’t really know what this movie is about because for some reason my high school took this off the reading list. All I know is that in a future society, countries choose a boy and girl to compete in a tournament where only one child leaves with their life. The survivor represents their country in something or other. I don’t know you probably know more about this than I do. Anyway, the previews of this movie convinced me that I need to read this book. So, sometime before the release of this movie I may have to bang out this book in a day or something.

2) Iron Sky
Space Nazis… That is all.

1) The Dark Knight Rises
I shouldn’t have to give a synopsis for this one, nor should I even need to explain why this is my most anticipated movie of the year. But, I will explain one vital aspect I am looking forward to: Tom Hardy as Bane. His roles in Bronson, The Warrior, and Layer Cake have opened my eyes to how incredible of an actor he is. I’m very much looking forward to his interpretation of Bane.

I would seriously have way more movies up here, but there’s some confusion over what movies are actual concepts. Also, many movies I’m looking forward to have a big fat ‘N/A’ labeling the release date. So, for now this is what I got.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Disturbing Scene

If you have not seen the movie, this blog will not make sense. Also, this blog contains SPOILERS for those who have not seen the movie.

Well, my girlfriend and I went to see The Girls with the Dragon Tattoo this weekend since my parents described the movie as nothing short of genius. My girlfriend and I knew very little about the movie. Neither of us had read the books; so, we went in there blind.

We entered the movie theater and the audience consisted of mostly older couples. We sat down as the lights dimmed. “Oooh,” I thought to myself, “this is going to be good” (I don’t fuckin’ know).

 *Flash forward 2.5 hours*

I actually enjoyed the movie. I left feeling that I got my money’s worth… except for one speed bump that occurred about halfway through. I’m sure many of you who’ve seen the movie know what I’m talking about.

Now, I didn’t go into the movie completely blind as my girlfriend told me upon entering that her friends mentioned there was a rape scene in the film. Alright, well I’ve seen 300, and King Leonidas’ wife gets pushed up on a bit by some horndog. That scene wasn’t very scarring. But, for fuck’s sake, nothing could’ve prepared me for this horrific, sadistic panorama. At the moment the guardian dude starts the rape process, I was hardly able to keep my eyes on the screen as my girlfriend tucked her head in her sweater and covered her ears. During this scene I glanced around the theater expecting to see people leaving or at the very least cringing. But, what I saw were completely emotionless faces. I was shocked. All these 60-something-year-olds were completely unfazed by this ridiculously disturbing scene.

This made me think about all these fuckin’ hippy articles pointing out how “desensitized” today’s youths are due to cartoon violence and video games. But, my girlfriend and I were the only ones on the verge of painting the salty ground with our puke. The only thing keeping me there was the hope that this girl would get sweet revenge on this dude (and ohhhhh she does).

But, how do these uninformed research fuckin’ hipster journalist fucks realize that it’s not just the youth that’s being desensitized, it’s all of society. Not that I care though. Anyway, I thought at first the movie was attempting to gain some shock value, but from what I read on the movie only depicted a portion of detail that the book went into. Also, in seeing that scene, I enjoyed the scene where she gets back at the dude greatly.

Ah anyway, I actually changed my mind about the scene mid-blogging seeing as my appreciation for the revenge scene was elevated in seeing how she was really treated. 

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Broncos Knock at The Gates of The Evil Empire

Tim Tebow led his herd of Broncos to an incredible win over Rapelisberger and his Steelers.

This game is the biggest upset I've seen since "That-Superbowl-XXLI-that-shall-not-be-named." Anyway, bravo, Broncos.

This is also one of the most exciting games I've seen even though I wasn't really concerned too much over who was going to win. I believe that the Pats would beat either team that entered their domain. After, witnessing the best defense in the league being picked apart by a quarterback with a less than healthy pass percentage, it was plain to see that our overwhelmingly intense offense will be the deciding factor come Saturday night.

A high scoring game, I predict. It's going to be a race in points as our last place defense puts up a fight against Tebow's recently found mojo, and Brady threads needles to Welker, Gronkowski, and Hernandez against the defense that stomped on Rapelisberger's "injured" ankle.

My prediction? Patriots - 38 and Broncos - 24

And, so ends my completely biased and lackluster post of the day.

Friday, January 6, 2012

My Early Morning Commute

So, I decided to make a tribute to the world’s most famous author, Dr. Seuss. Nah, I’m fuckin’ with you. I just really don’t have anything to write about today. So, here’s a silly dilly poem about my commute into work every morning because I am really just too tired to write anything relevant (not like any of my post have been the slightest bit relevant). (Also, this dude next to me is trying to read my shit. FUCK YOU, GUY!)

Title. Something. Whatever. Fuck it.

On the train into Boston, I assemble. Woohoo!
My shoes fuse to the ground that’s all covered in poo.
I attempt to shut my eyes and drift off to sleep,
When the conductor bends over and slaps on my seat.

“Ticket!” The fat, old woman lets out a shriek.
“One sec!” I yell. Then soon become meek.
She could easily sit on me and squash out my brains.
So, I hand her my ticket and act courteously feign.

Is it time that I can sit back and actually sleep?
Nope! A porker sat down, concaved the bench deep.
Her fat, it runs wild and cuddles my side.
For the love of God! End this fuckin’ ride!

Finally, I step foot on the South Station stage.
Shoved by business fucks, I am enraged!
Oh the hatred, it boils down in my soul,
But, then I realize I fit their same fuckin’ mold.

Is it true? Am I also a terrible fuck?
Condensed in my cubicle, smothered to muck.
My soul it is gone. It fled on to France.
While I live out my life, hand on the dick in my pants.

Sorry, guys. I really don’t hate my life. I just thought that this shit would amuse some similarly insane person like me out there. I will continue on with my normal rants next post. I was just literally too fuckin’ tired to write anything containing substance. But, I wrote it; therefore, I have to post it.

P.S. Yes. I use swears as adjectives to even out the syllables per line.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

18 Year Old Widow Wastes Thug

No charges for teen widow who killed intruder

So, I was reading this article today because the title intrigued me. Surprisingly, the government made the right decision in this case and didn’t seek any charges on this sit-in vigilante. But, after finishing the article, it wasn’t the result of the crime that affected me more than the details that the journalist seems to overlook as if they are nothing special.

First off, the fact that this girl is a widow at the age of 18 doesn’t strike anyone as a little peculiar? I can understand her being married, sure, but to be a widow? That means this girl must’ve been married to her husband for less than a year before he passed away taking the age of consent into consideration. I figured her young, strapping husband must have been tragically killed over seas or killed in a horrific boating accident. Then the journalist tamely drops a bomb on us: "McKinley's husband Kenneth, 58, who died on Christmas Day after being hospitalized with complications from lung cancer."

… Wait a fuckin’ second. 58 years old. Fifty fuckin’ eight years old!? This guy has more years under his belt than I have pubic hair on my balls! How is it that the journalist can just utter this statement so nonchalant? This factor deserves a story of its own.

Fuck. Anyway, moving on. While a guy attempts to break into her house, this girl does what any other functioning person would do: she calls the cops. While on the phone, she lays her baby down and sticks a cigar in its mouth and grabs a pistol. But, what she does next will make you fall out of your chair. Pistol in hand, she goes to the next room and grabs a 12-gauge. This girl’s slappin’ on dat perk and running akimbo. Meanwhile, this fuckin’ retard at the door is still banging at the door not knowing that there is a one woman firing squad on the other side.

The girl then asks the dispatcher if she can shoot the prick. The dispatcher, like a straight up boss, calmly states,  “I can't tell you that you can do that, but you have to do what you have to do to protect your baby. It’s go time as soon as this idiot enters the door. So, the girl sits there with probably the biggest shit-eating grin in the world, hoping this mutha fucka busts through that door. Then it happens, the guy finally breaks down the door and is suddenly forced into a real-life action film where he unfortunately plays the role of the villain. The hero stands in front of him in a cinematic pose aiming a pistol and (I’m assuming) wielding a 12-gauge with one hand. So what does Dr. Wicked do? He runs in and fills his role as the villian as he is masta’ blasted by a hail of gunfire. His friend? Oh, he retreats like Starscream.

But, he soon finds justice too. Not only did he see is accomplice and friend blow to pieces, but he even gets charged with his murder. Bravo judicial system, Bravo.

As you can tell by now, I spent copious hours Photoshopping this shit. Appreciate.

Yeah, that’s probably not how it really played out. But, I feel as though I addressed the main issues that the original journalist ignorantly overlooked.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

They Wear Shades Just to Hide Their Face

--Because they know for a fact that their cooler than me (lame Mike Posner reference. Who I frankly think is a posner. Sheet, I'm so fuckin' clever).

So, I was thinking. Nothing particular set me off on my rant today besides my dream of concocting a brilliant idea for website that becomes super popular and rakes in the dough while I sit on my ass all day and eat Smart Food. I don’t know.

Anyway, why is it that celebrities spend their whole lives chasing after stardom, yet when they finally achieve it, they try to hide their face from the public? I understand wanting some privacy, but if I ever become famous, I’d never stroll around town in a baggy hoodie and big ass sunglasses. I’d welcome the paparazzi with open arms. The reason why the paparazzi treat most celebrities like shit is because these so-called “superstars” shun the paparazzi and pay them no consideration. If they just smile for the camera or do goofy poses, the paparazzi won’t attempt to get a rise out of them for attention. I realize that the foremost purpose a paparazzi dude is to get goofy photos of a celeb, but why is that such a big deal? I guess I’m just less fazed by it because my friends have publicly humiliated me on several occasions through drunken photos/videos.

I mean paparazzi I guess could be one thing (although I’d personally enjoy it), but hiding your face from the public too? That’s just hypocritical. I mean how do celebrities usually obtain their stardom? It’s through stalking several other celebrities. Yet, they feel that their status is grandiose that they should bar others from doing the same thing? Hell, I may just be ignorant to the whole thing, but I feel as when I walk through the streets, I’d embrace the act lowering my shoulder into a bunch of screaming fans.

Hell! If I were a celebrity and had a gazillion tons of money, I’d adopt like 50 different colored babies (well, maybe not)! And, not to be cliché, I’d top my pool with Jell-O. I would, and I’d pay people to jump in it before me just to make sure it was safe. Then I’d throw sharks in the Jell-O pool and a bleeding carcass to see what would really happen. Would the sharks be able to sense the blood? If so would they be more concerned with escaping the Jell-O or with devouring the bloody carcass? I mean I would never in a million years harm an animal. But, I think about this shit. Not to scare anyone away from my blog, but this shit runs through my mind.
I don’t have the software to show you what I truly believe to be the result.

Anyway, I’ve diverted from the point which is… Celebrities… shouldn’t… have faces? I don’t know. 

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Origin of the Tie

So after taking my 9th piss of the day due to an overdose of coffee, I stared in the mirror and adjusted my tie. What a silly thing a tie is. It got me wondering where ties actually came from. However, instead of googling the answer, I came up with my own conclusion because I’m bat-shit insane.

Anyway, I thought of it this way:

Ties are most commonly worn in the business world. Therefore, the origin of such a strange article of clothing must’ve originated from a businessman. So, the story begins with a miserable businessman named… Dory? Dory hated his life and constantly had thoughts of suicide. One day, after monotonous years of punching useless numbers into Excel, Dory decided to end it all. Dory went home and lined up a stool under his ceiling fan. He grabbed a rope, fastened a noose in it, and wrapped it around the fan. He confidently balanced himself atop the stool and comfortably nestled his neck within the noose. He knew that whatever was to come after life was better than the dark confinements of his ice-shit-grey cubicle. So, with just slight hesitation, he kicked the stool out from underneath him. His whole life was summarized within that 2 foot drop. When suddenly, the ceiling fan came along for the ride and landed on his head, knocking him unconscious.

The next day, Dory woke up extremely concussed. To him it was just another work day. He lifted himself off the ground and headed straight to work. His mind was reduced to scrambled eggs for the moment. He walked through the doors of his shit building and planted himself in his cubicle. Little did he know, he had amassed a crowd of co-workers around his cubicle. People looked at him in awe for the noose he tried to kill himself with the very night before still hung from his neck.

“Brilliant!” screamed Billy.

“What fashion sense!” said the office whore.

Everyone was so turned on by his apparel that they too showed up to work the next day with ropes tied around there neck. So began Dory’s business of ties. He became a millionaire overnight. Dory changed his name to something less gay and happily lived the rest of his life.

To this day we still commemorate Dory’s accidental discovery, and continue to tie rope around our necks to remind us that we are all capable of great things kinda.

Photoshopping skills, HOOOOO!

Space Nazis

No, the blog title isn't misleading:
If Dark Knight Rises wasn't coming this summer, I think this would be my most anticipated movie of 2012.

Then again, this is being made into a movie.
Pretty fuckin' good way to ring in the new year.

Monday, January 2, 2012

White Dog

If the preview is this enriched with masterful cinematics and breathtaking performances, then imagine the intensity of this film. The dog may only attack black people, but I can tell this movie has the ability to slay people of all races with its never-before-seen dramatic dialogue and flawless characters.

Finally, a film has turned light on the ever increasing issues of racist dogs in the U.S. I'm sick and tired of white dogs giving white people a bad name. It's time to cure this plague.

It's on Netflix, and you bet your ass I'm gonna watch this... if I ever get around to it. Once I see it I will truly weigh in on it. That being said, I can't wait to be mesmerized by this masterpiece.

Back In My Day...

So, being a 23 year old person, I have constantly been berated by older folk for having an "easy" life. And, in retrospect, I've had a very easy life. But, for the demographic of society that fall over the hill, it is quite ignorant to say that youths nowadays have it easier than you did.

"Buuh Durr, when I was a kid we had to go outside and play. You spoiled kids have the interwebs and television to dumb your minds."
Awesome, we do have all this great shit, but in saying that same thing you are creating a paradox. Yes, you want your children to go out and play, yet at the same time, you don't want them moving from within an inch of your sight because let's be real, there are far more mentally fucked people in the world today. Also, to say that this advancement in technology is numbing minds is completely ludicrous. I've learned more on the internet and television in one day than and proclaimed "wise" man has in his entire life.

In addition, when these self-righteous old people were in school, 8th grade consisted of multiplication tables and memorizing state capitals. Now, I'm encountering 2 year olds that can recite every U.S. president in order.
I don't know about you, but this makes me feel like a dumb piece of shit.

On to the topic of jobs.
Older folk always scold youths for not being able to get jobs. But, I wish they would stop and think about why there are no jobs. It's because they fucked up the economy for us. We can't get jobs because the economy has been torn to shreds because of careless spending on fuckin' retarded cars such as hummers that shred the already dwindling oil supply, constant relocating of houses creating a never ending stream of unneeded mortgages, and our overwhelming percentage of savings (0% link). I realize that spending boosts the economy, but spending on the leading consumers of currency isn't going to change anything. I'm not bitching about the 1% versus the 99%; fuck that, I'm arguing just for pure common sense.

Back in the day, someone can find a penny on the ground and buy a mansion. We unfortunately don't have that luxury today. The youth (I'm not including myself in the demographic) has been burdened by careless spending.

Instead, we are now forced to invest in 401(k)s as social security in pretty much guaranteed to be gone by the time of our retirement. Regular savings is no longer a viable option. Investing in risky shares is unfortunately the common choice.

So to the older fucks who don't understand that it's not the children's fault that they are forced into this situation need to use the "interwebs and television" to discover the real reason for this recession. 

But, the argue in favor for these old folk; yes, I believe that a parent should be allowed to beat the shit out of their kids.

P.S. This is only meant for the older folk that feel that they endured more hardships than anyone on the planet and they are entitled to make ignorant comments with no retaliation.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Fuckin' Crazy People!

Again with the fuckin' crazies. Two days in a row.

So yesterday, my girlfriend and I were at the gas station on the way to my friend's house for New Year's Eve. I walk in to prepay for a pump. While waiting in line, the man in front of me is asking the cashier something. The cashier was rifling through papers behind the desk when the man in front of me turns and pops the question. "Hey man, which way you headed?" I quickly attempted to point the direction that the man was hopefully not headed in. So, I pointed down the road. "Oh great, mind giving me a ride? I'm homeless." Leaving out the homeless part might have made this easier on me (at this point I should tell you I'm terrified of hobos). A series of uhhs and umms came from my mouth as I attempted to dismiss him in a manner that wouldn't get me stabbed. The hobo reached in his pocket and pulled out a wad of ones, lint, and cigarette butts, "I'll pay you."

"No. No. No," I replied as he shoved the wad of pasty ones in my face.

"I just need a ride a mile down the road." This is when it clicked. It's not that cold out. It stopped raining about an hour ago. If he needed to go down the street a mile, why couldn't he just walk? This mutha fucka wants my brand new Nissan Versa.

But, like the fuckin' retard I am, I blurted out, "Yeah sure meet me outside in a few minutes." While in the process of paying the cashier, the hobo proceeds to tell me that he owns property down the street (but he's homeless?) and the only thing in life is booze (while making a swigging motion with his hand). The cashier finally finished the process and the bum asked me whether he should accompany me to my car walk. I tell him to wait inside, and I'd pull the car around once I fill up. So I book it to my car and start filling my tank while nervously glaring at the hobo behind the doors. The gas pump was obviously pouring at an incredible speed of one drop per minute. Finally, I neared the end of the filling procedure and the pump started to slow down. I was 20 cents away from my payment when I saw the hobo making a move for the door. 10 cents, and the hobo is outside the door coming towards my car. I say fuck the 10 cents, and teleport into the drivers seat. "We've gotta go!" I shout to my girlfriend, and I peel out of the lot, leaving the hobo in my dust.

Mission accomplished.

At least I managed to escape this one, and although it's not intense as the last crazy, I'm recording it in the book.
Intense Photoshopping abilities put to work.
On a lighter note, today I encountered no crazies, and it was quite relaxing. Hopefully I can resume my normal rants by tomorrow. Anyway, kind of forced myself to write today after not updating in a few days. So sorry if the content is less than satisfying. I'll try to make up for it tomorrow