Friday, December 30, 2011

Insanespotting

One thing about being a magnet of crazy people is that they give me something to blog about.
Alright,  as in my earlier post about the demon child at the mall, I must reiterate that if psychopaths were flies, then I’m the brightest lantern in the fuckin’ world.

So, I finally manage to get out to lunch with my sister and a few of my coworkers from my new job. We meet up at a bar, and as soon as I enter, the craziest dude offers to buy me a drink. After several attempts of shoving the money back in his face, I finally succumb. He said something along the lines of “Let me buy you a drink; I don’t do this often. I just need a place to sit.” It didn’t completely register in my mind to what he was talking about until he planted his insane ass at the same table as us. His monotonous voice first led me to believe it was just a simple speech impediment, but now it is apparent what it’s from (copious amounts of drugs).

Anyway, the events that followed are almost too strange to put into words. Basically, this guy must’ve been on depressants or some eccentric shit because he was absolutely bat-shit crazy.
Through his psychopathic rantings, I learned this much about the dude:

·         He believes he is proclaimed as the world’s biggest douche bag.
·         He hates himself and wishes he would die.
·         He believes/doesn’t believe in Jesus (it’s hazy)?
·         He wanted to be a poet, but his father through away his material whilst calling him a fag.
·         He plays the guitar in a band, I guess?
·         He’s had several jobs; several of which he’s been fired from due to his alcoholism.
·         He’s been to jail several times for drunk driving.
·         He’s going back to jail.
·         He’s going to visit his friend who just had a baby, and they are going to get “shit-faced, do tons of drugs, and eat chicken wings”
·         He hates “spics” claiming that they beat the shit out of him in jail and broke his glasses.
·         He claims to know fluent Spanish, but would only tell me the Spanish term for “faggot.”
·         His favorite third-world leader is “Fu Man Chi.”
·         He thought Gaddafi was a great leader.
·         And his life’s calling his to be a “human servicer”/guitar poet.

I mean, at least this guy knew what he liked and didn’t like. Anyway, before he could be ushered out of the bar by the waitress who finally noticed our desperation, he managed to feel me up several times, steal my tie, and try to give me free money by attempting to stuff it in my shirt pocket. The dude even came equipped with a Charles Manson scar. I mean, I usually know how to conduct myself around crazies, but this guy made me look like a rookie in the field of ‘pwning’ psychopaths.

So, does anyone know where I can get some crazy people repellant because I really, really need that shit, badly.

If you read my blog, expect to hear several more of these stories because they are bound to happen. 


It's because she's a retard.


Slutbook on Manly Clones

Don't ask me about the title. I don't know. Anyway:

I've been reading Facebook statuses once again, and it got me thinking.

Cindy Poostain omg boys are all exactly the same. They are so retarded... like wtf fml. #cantbetrusted #immafaggot like hmu girls!!1

Alright, if you've got a Facebook, you've definately come across these statuses posted by the dumbest slut on land. But, why is it so hard for these girls to realize that the problem may not be the billions of men in the world that somehow wound up being exactly alike? Now, the multitude boys this cesspool has probably put out for all have one thing in common. There is one denominator they all share. They've all been with this same girl. Now, I'm no mathematics major, but if I had to guess, maybe the girl seems to be the issue?

I mean I could be wrong. Maybe every man in the world really is exactly the same. In that case, I actually wouldn't be upset. I mean if I shared any of Tom Brady's qualities, I'd be a very happy man. Ah anyway, bored on my lunch break.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Bitchy High Heels


Ladies, no offense but your high heels make you sound like a bitch. I mean on occasion it’s nice to see a woman dressing up and slapping on a pair of clodhoppers, but when you where them in a casual or work related environment, it just doesn’t have the same effect. I mean, a concessionist at the movie theater I work at (last day’s tomorrow!) wears a pair of high heels to work every day. There is nothing in the grimy, concession food industry that can justify you wearing these heels. It’s like I’m running to grab some flour or something for the kitchen and then I hear it. It start in the distance *clop… clop… clop.* I quicken my pace to keep ahead of it, but it only gets louder *Clop, Clop, Clop.* It sounds like a bitch is steadily approaching. Pretty soon I’m at a nervous gallop and, *CLOP! CLOP! CLOP!* The bitch is right behind me! I dive into trash room to avoid getting trampled.

I mean, she’s probably a very nice woman. I’ve never talked to her really. But, damn those fuckin’ high heels make it sound like she’s late for a Red Hat Society meeting. Every ‘clop’ echoes through the halls: *Move bitch, I’m right behind you bitch, Imma rape you bitch.*

And for fucks sake, don’t you dare complain to me about how much high heels bother you. It’s basically the equivalent of me attaching a mouse trap to my ball sack and bitching about it.

It's creepy how the crowd claps in unison as the models ankle bones are pulverized into a fine powder.

Leave Tebow Alohohone!

No talent comedian, Bill Maher, calls out Tim Tebow?
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/showtracker/2011/12/bill-maher-sparks-calls-for-hbo-boycott-following-tim-tebow-tweet.html

Alright, I think it's time we give Tebow a rest. He may not have the greatest pass percentage in the game, but he also doesn't have the greatest recievers either. Seriously, who does he have? Eric Decker? That's about it. He may not put on the loveliest of performances, but he gets the job done plain and simple.

Besides, his two recent losses were to very good teams: The Buffalo Bills and The New England Patriots (aka 'The Mutha Fuckas', aka 'Dem Boyz', aka 'Straight Up Ballas', aka 'Simply the Greatest Team Ever Constructed in the Game Forever'). He's still a rookie people. Keep that in mind.

Face it. The only reason he has so many haters is because he's a proclaimed Christian. Basically, every hipster liberal in American mocks him for his beliefs as they dance around fires twirling their rain sticks with cow shit smeared on their junk. Since when did it become so wrong to express your beliefs? For crying out loud, this poor kid has more haters than Muhammed Saddam Osama Husein bin Laden.

Anyway, focus on the game you fuckin' haters. If you want to make fun of his above average rookie start, then back it up with something more than bias, hippy bullshit. This is why the NFL is not made for hipsters. I'm not a Tebow lover; I'm just sick of people who know nothing about the game coming out of right field to cash in their counterfeited two cents.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Facebook Complainers

If you are able to translate your biggest problem of the day to Facebook from anything other than a 20 year old public library computer, I regret to inform you that your life is not that bad. Furthermore, you look like a big ol' whiny bitch. So, stop complaining to your friends about your broken iPhone, minor headache, or various other forms of American middle-class problems. Unless the problem has to do with a sweet explosion, an intense car crash, or having to dodge some bullets, I don't want to hear about it.

Also, don't post any of those comments that are like , "OMG! I hate people!! I wish my car wasn't at the bottom of the ocean...fml," than take 40 hours to respond to your friends eager to find out what happened.

And now for a completely unrelated video:

Friday, December 23, 2011

Pokemon Red/Blue "Secrets"




So I’m assuming (or least I hope) that the demographic for readers of my blog are of a mature age. Since that’s most likely the case I’m going to talk about Pokémon today!

I was recently thinking back to my youth and how revolutionary Pokémon was when it came out. I waited in anticipation even when the television only whetted my appetite with commercials bearing no game play but only cartoons of monsters being trapped in cages.

Anyway, the topic of this post has more to do with the effects of Pokémon on the internet community. Does anyone remember while searching for secrets/codes/cheats for Pokémon the absolutely ridiculous, lengthy, disturbing articles you came across? Some of you may know what I’m talking about, but for those who don’t, there were several websites that came out during the period of Pokémon Red/Blue that claimed to reveal secrets in the plot. Anyway, some of this “secrets” claimed that if you did some absurd feat in the game, something incredible would happen that would so divert you from the main story that your head would spin.

A few of the “secrets” I remember reading were:

<!--[if !supportLists]-->1)      <!--[endif]-->If you pressed left and right really fast when you are approaching Prof. Oak after beating the Elite Four, you could break free from the cut scene and move to the side of the trophy room. In the bottom right corner of the room, there is a door that would lead to a whole new Pokéland for of new monster and tougher gym leaders. It’s like two games in one!

<!--[if !supportLists]-->2)      <!--[endif]-->If you do some devastating shit, the next time you return to your house your mom will be dead. But, here’s the twist, her tormented soul will be waiting for you. You will have to use your bench players to take out this bitch’s ghost because for some reason she’s pissed at you. When you beat her, her soul comes to rest and you win shit or something.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->3)      <!--[endif]-->Then finally, the most fucked up one I remember. You do some more devastating shit like catch ‘Missingno.’ and throw him into liquid shit or something. After that, you return home, and your mom says she’s been raped by Prof. Oak. So you go to his house and beat this mutha fucka up. But, he has an arsenal of ridiculous Pokémon, some the likes which have never been seen. Then you beat him, but your Mom’s scars will never heal… since she’s now pregnant!

Anyway, those are just a few of the fucked up “secrets” my fragile mind had to read when I was a wee-little-lad. So, did Pokémon revolutionize games, or did it make way for disguised smut to creep into innocent children’s minds? 

By the way, I searched for a while, but this is the only site remotely similar to the sites I was talking about: http://www.angelfire.com/pokemon/pokecentr45001/cheats.html

Templet Change

Why? Because I'm bored at work, and I don't give a fuck. Beautiful blue sky, glimmering green grass, and whatever those weed things are called gentle being kissed and dispersed by the wind. If you think that's not epic then you can get the fuck out. Beautiful landscape. Beautiful. #ballsohard

P.S. I need to take a shit, yet everytime I go to the fuckin' bathroom there's someone in one of the two stalls. There's like three and a half people in today. I don't like taking shits 3 feet to the right of some dude.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Psycho Demon Child

So, strange story I have for you guys today.

I was finishing up the last of my Christmas shopping in the mall. As I was wondering around sucking at shopping, I felt hungry; so, I decided to make a trip to the food court. I ordered from the Thai food place of which I am a regular at sadly enough, and perched my ass at a table. As I was eating and minding my own business, a little Mexican child of about 4 started pounding on the chair next to me while maintaining a dense, death glare at the side of my head. His mother who was about two seats away was facing the other direction, and like a good mother, ignoring that her child exists when he behaves like a psychopath. Anyway, after a solid minute of this, I glanced over at the child and flashed a quick smile and then resumed eating. The kid probably stopped for half a second before he started pounding on the seat again while not once blinking while intently staring at me. But, I kept strong and ignored him by reading some gay advertisement on the table. After about 2 more minutes of this, the kid finally stopped.

"Mommy, mommy. This man beat me!" he yelled. "This man beat me," he continued. His finger was fastened in my direction. Not knowing what to do, I continued eating and refused to give eye contact. After shouting for what seemed the longest 20 seconds of my life, the mother got up and then left. That's it. They just got up and left.

I looked around and caught glimpse of the people surrounding me, and most were giving me the "dese-niggas-is-crazy" look; so, I knew I was in the clear. Also, the food court was packed with screaming children so not to many witnessed the child trying to get me arrested for no reason.

I don't know what it is. No matter where I go, the crazies always seem to find me. I don't know if it's my cologne or the smell of my farts or what. They always seem to single me out of a crowd. These fucking psychos always find me!

Anyway, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and whatever other holidays there are.
P.S. School's done with. I'm back mutha-fuckas.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Twitter, Just So Y'Know

So basically, I got a Twitter profile with like 2 followers. Just thought I'd let anyone who actually reads this blog know that my Twitter profile name is 'Chiz_Chat'. I'm not huge into updating it because I usually forget that I have it, and I know no one is reading my posts. But, it's a good place to go to see what I'm actually up to in my exhilarating life and to see what my plans for the blog are. The more followers I get, the less I will forget that I have it. Anyway, I'm just giving you guys a heads up. Also, don't be turned off if I show my lack of knowledge about what propose hashtags hold.
In other news... yeah, I don't got much other news. Soon though. Soon.

P.S. Post some feedback or blog ideas on my Twitter, and I promise you I will weigh in on your ideas.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Good News and Papers on Pedos

Hello to you and you,

Alright I'm almost done with school. Got an incredibly 1 page out of 10 done for my paper on the Supreme Court's stance on 'virtual child' pornography due Thursday (no. I didn't come up with the topic myself). But, I'm coming down to the wire, and I will soon be able to rip my head out of my asshole, take a shower, and get back to splooging nonsensical words onto this otherwise unpopular blog. In even better news, I have a full-time job in Boston so you know what that means right? Of course you don't. I'll have more opportunities to write blogs on the train. That means a new blog post almost every day starting Jan. 3rd! Get excited children!

Anyway, after reading several documents on 'virtual child' pornography (basically advanced CGI pictures or young-looking adults according to the court), I'm am still very fuckin' confused on whether this shit is illegal or not. Is it illegal under federal laws but not in the court? I don't fuckin' know. Damn judicial system and its confusing, unnecessary choice of words. Why can't they just blatantly say whether it's illegal? Anyway, I chose this topic out of a list the professor gave us. I thought it would be the easiest to argue. I now feel very creepy and regret my decision wholly. Anyway, I'm not gone. I'll be back with a vengeance or something cliche and gay.

And, like always when my blogs contain not actual content. Here's a funny video:
Scarily accurate.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I Can't Even...

Stark has released one of his new prototypes to the public. If I ever get rich, fuck buying a house. I'm pouring all my dough into investing in one of these psycho machines:

I swear if I had one of these, I'd be the first to travel around the world with it.

Accepting all donations starting now.

Monday, December 12, 2011

I'm a Big ol' Poofaht

Sorry I've been lacking on the updates recently. Finals week is coming up, I working on hopefully gaining a new career, and I got bit by a tick so I think I'm dying. Anyway, December 22nd is when I'll flush all my excuses down the toilet and get back to writing about stupid shit that nobody cares about.

Over n' out.


P.S. I've been trying to upload some pics of Occupy Boston from my phone, but my phone randomly started blowing big peeps. But when I manage to get them on the internet, I will upload them along with a very late and untimely blog. Get exciteeeedddd ohboi!

Friday, December 9, 2011

Hollister Poop


(Took me forever to think of that title)

I know it may be hard for you to admit it, but have you ever stepped foot in a Hollister clothing store? I’m sure many of you have seen them as they are basically the punk teen driver of the mall store community. They blast music with their windows wide open and frequently showcase half naked men. Anyway, if you’ve been in one then you most likely notice they’re extreme marketing flaws such as an eerie darkness that’s so black that you actually think you look good in the clothing until you walk out the door (On second thought, that’s more of ingenious than flawed). Also, the music is turned to a velocity that makes it impossible to ask any questions to the otherwise clueless employees while the perfume makes it incapable to emit words out of your face hole. I feel like a fucking Helen Keller when I enter that place.

Now all you Hollister employees are probably thinking to yourself: “Oh this Chiz-guy must be jealous of our extremely good looks. Dat’s why he’s hating” *commence high five*. Well although some of that may be true, I feel as though I’m entitled to such mockery because *dun dun dun* I was an employee myself *gasp*. I know, it’s hard to believe that a child such as I would be allowed into such a prestigious position as a Hollister rep, but unfortunately, it happened.

Their obsession of accurate clothes folding that borders OCD and their extremely shallow view on customers became very irritating at times, but I managed to stay employed there for a whopping 5 months despite my apparent lack of folding abilities.

Anyway, what really made this job was the increasing sense that I did not belong there. Mothers would come up to me wielding jeans and pressing them against my temple would ask “do you think these would look good on my 14 year old daughter!?” Since it was (I think) illegal for a 22 year old man to answer that, I would cleverly answer there question with another question: “I don’t know. What does she like?” Genius, I know.

Well, I forgot why I started writing about this subject. I think it was pretty much my lack of ideas today due to my severe sleep deprivation. Anyway, long story short, they didn’t exactly fire me. They kind of just pretended they didn’t recognize me when I transferred back to my original store.

On top of all that, they promote bestiality:

P.S. I know I’m a hypocrite. If anything, I’m more judgmental than these Hollister employees. Also, not all of them were really all that bad. I just like being a dick I guess. I don’t know.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

African Facebook


(My best attempt at concocting a Facebook status update)

Oseye Saburi
       Roasted malaria and sand for dinner! (posted at 9:37PM)
Jibade Omariba   Ah screw you!!1 I had nothing again… fml (posted at 9:40PM)
Radhiya Zuri   Well at least you didn’t have insurgents shoot up your hut (posted at 9:42PM)
Oseye Saburi   Not feeling very well… (posted at 10:03PM)
Jibade Omariba   Oh guess it’s better that I didn’t eat again lol (posted at 10:06PM)
Radhiya Zuri   ring worm again? (posted at 10:08PM)
Cindy Smith   fuck I no exactly how you guys feel. My iphone shit the bed in the middle of    philosophy class. God does prof Higgins have an annoying voice… hmu <3 (posted at 10:17PM)

Monday, December 5, 2011

Random Blog Promotion


In attempt to try and reel in more traffic to my blog, I’ve come to the realization that my blog is next to impossible to search for on any blog directory. The reason for this is when I am asked to choose from a list of specific categories my blog falls under, it doesn’t fit any of them. There is no category labeled “random shit.” I mean, I could always select a category that normal people would visit such as “news” or “family,” but I’m not a deceiver. This is what brings me to the argument: why must a blog have a specific focus?

I believe that bloggers should write about anything that pops into their head that they deem somewhat interesting. I mean music and news is great, but after a while you have to get the urge to write about something with tenacity, something worth going on a tangent about. I don’t know why people feel it’s taboo to write about whatever bullshit arises in your fucked up head. On another note, how do these people writing about how wonderful their family is get so many followers? Is there something so mysterious about an American, middle-class, white family?

“Little Jimmy finally wiped his own ass today. My breath was taken away as I realize he almost completely rid himself of all poo stains. He didn’t need to tag me until the very end.” Great, Sarah! That’s fuckin’ awesome! I’m glad your family is so wonderful. If only all families were as pure and righteous as yours!
Anyway, I don’t know what people find so interesting about those blogs. I guess it can be compared to reality shows on MTV (except these blogs leave out all the good shit like fighting, deception, and verbal insults leading to reevaluating of one’s self).

Also, why do so many blog promotion tutorials believe that blog posts should be short? I’m going to make my rant as long as I damn well please. I know it doesn’t make sense that I have so much shit to rage about seeing as I have no legitimate problems in my life, but… Yeah, I got nothing to back that up with. Anyway, back to my point. Bloggers should have no limits to their writing. How are you going to learn to expand your boundaries in real life if you can’t even go buck wild on a webpage reserved for you and only you?

I know none of this makes sense which is probably the real reason I have no followers. Anyway, my point is blogs about random shit shouldn’t be so hard to promote because they have diversity.

P.S. This woman here would make a much more interesting blogger than any of these fairy queens:

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Dare to Dream

Never give up on your dreams.
You can do anything.

P.S. Tomorrow another one of my overly popular, lengthy rants will be posted. To the millions of people who read my blog, try to hold the poop in your butt hole.

Friday, December 2, 2011

So-Called Great Thinkers


(unrelated) There is nothing more frustrating than being denied Magna Cum Laude because of a philosophy class. Not that it was really all that important, but Philosophy! Really! I took this class because is useless, and you can bullshit your way to an A. I was on the path to getting an A (which I need to get Magna Cum Laude) until I received my most recent test score, which most likely bumped my grade down to a B. (unrelated)

But, surprisingly, that’s not what angers me most. It’s the fact that the teacher favors these philosophy majors in my class for their superior wisdom (or so they’re taught to believe). I can’t help but notice that these philosophy majors chose this line of study only because they are at a loss of something they actually excel in. Half these students were little pompous shits before they enrolled in college, but now that they’ve been taught how to be “great thinkers,” they’ve found the great poop fountain of enlightenment which supposedly allows them to critically analyze all aspects of life through a third eye. Alright, I shouldn’t be the first to say that everyone has the cognitive capacity to thoroughly analyze some aspect of life and shit out a bogus conclusion that’s never been thought of before. That doesn’t make you a “great thinker” it just makes you an asshole with a depressing sense of superiority.

Dear Philosophy Majors,

I realize it’s ignorant of me to include you all in this concentrated cloud of poofahts. I know there are some of you who study this field for the same purpose that someone studies history. But, I believe that you must realize by now that that’s the case, for there isn’t a broad base of careers in Philosophy. Again, I apologize to the truly “enlightened” ones.

Sincerely,
Chiz

Now that that’s out of the way, the rest of you assholes need to cut the crap and erase your passive superiority complex. You’re not an individual in a world of sheeple. Everyone thinks the same thoughts as you, you’re just too arrogant to realize. Stop judging people for being “simple-minded” and start using your “incredibly advanced state of minds” to philosophize the fact that everyone thinks as you do but are humble enough to keep it to themselves.

P.S. Don’t get me wrong, Philosophers have shaped the way we incorporate modern science. However, ignorant as it is for me to say, modern science can no longer be improved by philosophy, only first-hand experimentation of proposed hypotheses. And, don’t say hypotheses are a form of philosophy; that would be like saying “where’s the shitter?” is philosophical question.
Sorry I’m such an asshole.