Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Undeserving Citizen Kane


Take a gander at any movie database or film critic website. Why is it that Citizen Kane is still rated the best film of all time? I vaguely remember having to slam my head against the desk to keep myself from slipping into a coma while being forced to watch this monstrosity in one of my college film classes. Why is this movie still critically acclaimed? It fucking enrages me.

First, let’s all take a look at the premise of this movie. Sure, the story of a big shot newspaper executive sounds like the makings of a genius movie plot, right? Just kidding, that’s a terrible idea. But why are we honoring a movie based on unrealistically accumulating wealth? Sorry Tiny Tim, no wealthy man is ever going to come take you from your shit parents and turn your shit life into a vast landscape of unimaginable wealth, castles, and rainbows. No, fuck you Kane with your unobtainable ambitions.

 If children in the upcoming generation realize this wealth is out of reach, they’re going to construct unbelievable elaborate crimes to obtain this wealth. If Kane enjoyed himself that much in the 1920s, think of the shit we can do with that wealth now. So much electronic shit. I can turn my mansion into Tron then construct a reenactment of the Battle of Helmsdeep with midgets equipped with tazers. Shit’s nuts. Anyway, the movie’s a menace to modern society and stuff.

But my main argument against this movie comes from the ending. Yes, the ending was ridiculously bad. Rosebud is a fucking sled? Are you kidding me? I mean, I know it represents his loss of childhood and innocence, but who the fuck would want his shitty childhood over immense riches? But, no… That’s not the true reason this movie sucks. A lot of other films pull that same morality crap. It is the sole fact that the ending of this mystery, this MYSTERY, was the use of a scapegoat. Not once in the movie was it referenced that the sled’s name was Rosebud. There is no way the audience could partake in this “epic” mystery for the only one who had any hint towards the ending was the selfish screenwriter himself. But yeah, those are my basic rants about the film. It sucks, and it should be held with such esteem.

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