Monday, November 14, 2011

Proper Popcorn Etiquette

Popcorn by jayneandd
Popcorn, a photo by jayneandd on Flickr.
Have you ever graciously shared a bowl of popcorn with your friend and have them disrespect you for it? Well that’s how I feel when I’m shoveling down popcorn and my popcorn partner disrupts me by rudely saying “Why do you eat popcorn by the handful,” as their limp, faggy hand grabs one piece at a time. Is there any other way to eat popcorn other than by the handful?

You don’t eat M&Ms one at a time; excavators don’t grab one grain of sand at a time; ravenous wolves don’t munch on deer blood cells one at a time. I’m fuckin’ hungry and if you think I’m gonna eat my popcorn like a snooty fairy king then you can go microwave your own bag. There is no enjoyment in eating popcorn one at a time because as soon as it touches your tongue is dissolves into nothingness wherein all you end up swallowing it slightly salty spit. It’s offensive.

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