Saturday, November 5, 2011

Northern Rednecks

I try to make myself fairly open to all lifestyles, but try as I may, there is one emerging group of people that slowly eat away at my already fragile tolerance. Being a Massachusetts resident all my life, nothing boils my poofarts more than helplessly viewing fleshbags convert to what I like to refer to as Northern Rednecks. I'm sure many of you from the North might already realize what I'm getting at, but for those unlearned folk, let me indulge you in this horrific epidemic. Consider the disease in “28 Days Later.” Imagine that same widespread epidemic, but those infected can give you rabies without any physical contact. To spot a Northern Redneck, look for these signs:     

      1) Constantly request shitty country music about sheep herding and sheep fucking (i.e. Toby Keith, Tim     McGraw, Garth Brooks, etc.).

      2) Drive obnoxiously loud and big trucks (P.S. Don’t worry about their gas consumption; their parents got that covered).

      3) Wear cowboy hats or pre-shredded mesh hats with some super faggy southern symbol or bottom of the barrel beer logo.

      4) Proudly display the confederate flag on any piece of shit they own (i.e. things their parents bought for them).

Now, I shouldn’t even have to write about these fucking idiots because they already demean themselves enough on their own (They associate themselves with the Confederacy. Confederates lost the war, making them losers. Therefore, if A=B and B=C, then A=C and that means they’re losers). However, I feel that this atrocity needs to be recognized before MTV makes a reality show out of them.

Don’t get me wrong though, I don’t mind southern-born Rednecks. They’re inbred; they can’t help how deformed their brains are. But, these Northern Rednecks were born with a silver cock in their mouth and only seek the redneck lifestyle in an attempt to shed their image as a spoiled rich child. I assume it’s to appear more independent and rugged then they actually are. So my suggestion to those who know (or God forbid are) one of these mentally unstable souls, confront them, have an intervention, tell them that they don’t need to pretend to be inbred, or prejudice, or stupid,… or ugly,… or put on a fake southern accent… Ah, fuck it. These people are helpless.

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