Saturday, November 12, 2011

Guide to Becoming Famous Poet

You want to be a world famous poet? No? Well no one gives a shit which is why I’m giving you people the gift of my foolproof, 5 step guide to making girls swoon and dudes do whatever they do when they read poetry. Prepare to detoxify all metha-don’ts and inject your mind with LSD (Literary Science… Dicks).

1) If it doesn’t make sense, you’re doing it right.

Choose any world renowned poet and analyze their highest regarded piece. Do you find yourself finding many interpretations and alternate views to a simple verse? The more a poem is open to interpretation, the greater attention it receives.
Therefore, do as most famous poets do and write a completely nonsensical arrangement of phrases. It doesn’t matter what order it’s in, it just matters that it looks like the structure that a typical poem would hold. Take my example for instance: “The rooster crows loudest in the East.” I just made that phrase up, but most overanalyzing literary scholars would attempt to find some hidden meaning. The simple truth is, I thought it sounded cool. I have no clue what I mean by this. When asked what you mean by this puzzling phrase, say, “I cannot reveal such details as it open for all interpretations.”

2) Use big, confusing words.

If you succeed in making the audience feel stupid, then you’re on the right path. Take a look at my next example: “Brandished by the unforeseeable light, the vicar brought forth his heavenly projection.” Do these words work together in this context? Are these words even real? I don’t know, but I think it sound pretty fucking smart. Remember, a thesaurus is your best friend.

3) Leave the rhyming to Dr. Seuss.

Ever wonder why poets often don’t rhyme in their works? It’s probably because they’re too high or lazy to do so, right? Well, yeah, pretty much, but they also do so to not sound childish (at least that’s what they say). Don’t burden yourself with thought; just write. If you’re spending more than 3 minutes on a poem then you’re thinking waaaay too much.

4) Capitalize random words.

This step works much in the same as step 1. If I take my example from before and capitalize a word, it brings about a whole other way of interpreting my meaningless sentence. For instance: “The rooster Crows loudest in the East.”

5) Originality is better kept in your butt hole where it belongs.

Stick to the basics: love, love lost, nature, some gay beauty thing. No one has ever gotten far by                        writing about what hair products Hitler used. I know originality is always taught to the young boys and girls, but fuck that useless shit and save yourself the trouble. Famous poetry is completely void of uniqueness.

The finish product should look something like this:

(P.S. Titles don’t matter. Make something up…

“The rooster Crows loudest in the East,”
Said the Father unto his child.
Brandished by the unforeseeable light,
The vicar brought forth his heavenly Projection.

The adolescent treaded through the river,
Unknowing of what his father bestowed upon him.
The current pressed Hard against his fragile mind.
The boy thought his Will might shatter under the pressure.

He found an elevated point in the river.
As he propped himself up, the sky sank closer.
And over the turmoil and Chaos of the rushing water,
He could hear the faint caw of a Rooster.

Okay, I timed myself and that took about 4 minutes. A bit longer than I had expected, but you guys will surely rush through these poems with more practice. Bullshitting is an art my friends. Now go and awe the literary world with your brain farts.

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