Steven Chisholm wrote: “Woaaah… I’m so drunk!!!1 I can barly speel I’m so drunk!. Man My lyf is so coo! Wah I’m such an alcoholic! hmu”
Yep… That’s the issue I’m taking on today… The drunk Facebook update. Now, as you well know by now, I’m the one to get worked up over the stupidest shit, and this is no exception. Of course all you Facebook users out there are well aware of the various statuses that socially deprived users are capable of posting. We’ve got the “I’m-ugly-please-tell-me-I’m-pretty” status, the “boys/girls-are-all-stupid” status, the “desperate-plea-for-help-due-to-some-minor-negative-occurance-in-my-otherwise-incredibly-opportunistic-life” status, and the obviously reoccurring “here’s-some-song-lyrics-to-express-my-depression” status. But, out of endless cesspool of attention whoring updates, the one that pops the most blood vessels are the “I’m-drunk-I-have-a-life-I-swear” statuses.
“Why, Chiz! How come you don’t just ignore them if you hate them so much?”
Good question stereotypical dumb respondent. However, the answer is… because I have a big heart. What am I talking about you ask? Well, whilst scrolling down my news feed, I come across these statuses displaying horrendous spellings and emitting an aura of desperate struggle. I immediately think: “Holy shit, someone’s having an epileptic seizure. This person needs help!” I halt my scanning of the news feed to frightfully locate clues of the whereabouts of this person or some other floating hint of their distressed situation. Panicking, I finally come to the conclusion that this person—this… fraud—is simply creating a ploy for attention. But, I’m not angry at how I responded to the update. No, I’m angry at how well the status performed its goal of forcing me to read it. Now I’ve got this image of a lonely drunk at a party Facebooking on his phone, a sober child who’s trying to gain attention, or some clam cake drinking by himself in my mind. It’s frustrating. Forget that important subject I was thinking about before. I can kiss those thoughts goodbye. Now, I’m focused on this monstrocity of a status. It enrages me… I’ve already forgot what I was writing about it worked so well. Bah, well that’s about it. The vents are clogged.